Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to sometimes give toddler DD the finger behind her back?

642 replies

Legbreak · 21/06/2018 21:57

She definitely doesn’t see and it makes me feel better and is always at home, not out and about etc. My DSis thinks it’s appalling.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
speakout · 22/06/2018 10:33

I have read the whole thread and it has only strengthened my feelings.

It is horrible disrepectful and immature.

If my OH did this to me I would be furious.

It is only a matter of time before you are caught- by someone else or the child themselves.

If your OH did this to you thinking no-one was watching but a friend came into the room unexpectedly how would you feel?

Children are worthy of no less respect.

And if that makes me a pearl clutcher then fine.

BarbaraWarpecker · 22/06/2018 10:37

I often flip the V at the closed front door after my teenager has left for school.
I was once photographed making a gesture behind my toddler's back. i love them both dearly. It's just a momentary release of tension and you know, even as you do it, you are being childish... but - children can be frustrating. Parents are not saints or martyrs.

kirta · 22/06/2018 10:41

U can give urself a star and at the end of the month treat urself based on how many stars ?

No, I'm not a primary age child. I'll let my fleeting frustration out in a quick, harmless, totally hidden flick of the Vs and get on with my day.

KittyKlaws · 22/06/2018 10:46

Would you be fine if they did it behind your back?

Yes.

JJS888 · 22/06/2018 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KittyKlaws · 22/06/2018 10:50

U can give urself a star and at the end of the month treat urself based on how many stars ? Lol works for me

Really?

Actually my kids made me a smiley chart if they caught me saying a bad word and they got the reward once - it was fine. An amusing thing - my kids are older though.

I’m not going to lie. I’m a bit shocked by this thread.

There really are a lot more shocking things in the world than humans being flawed in a minor way. I'm not saying it is an awesome thing to do but it really isn't as shocking as you seem to think it is.

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2018 10:51

I do agree with @speakout 'It is only a matter of time before you are caught- by someone else or the child themselves.'

I am sure you do not want this OP as you said 'always at home, not out and about '.

Also people are talking about sticking two fingers up but you said 'give toddler DD the finger'. As with all swearing there is a 'hierarchy' of how offensive words are. So with gestures. Generally, I think it is accepted a two finger gesture is less offensive than one finger. But either way you really do not want to have to explain it to your dd or to have her doing this at pre-school.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/06/2018 10:54

I've honestly never done this. It's sly, it's passive aggressive, it's dishonest. Far better to say, "You are behaving badly and really annoying me, I'm going to ground you/walk away now."

And actually, I don't have a problem with the odd raised voice within the context of an otherwise loving relationship.

I would really hate someone to do this to me.

KittyKlaws · 22/06/2018 10:56

I bet the people laughing also think banter is harmless and women take offence and it's all PC shit.

At best you are stupid and at worst you are abusive. Now fuck off back to Twitter worshipping Katie Hopkins and commenting on the Daily Mail.

I don't think banter is always harmless nor do I think women taking offence is 'PC shit' - you can check what I think.

I can see why you see something more in this because of your experience and you have a point but your last sentence is you sounding off in an angry manner . Why on earth would doing this a) mean we are stupid or b) (and this really is an extraordinary leap of logic) worship Katie Hopkins and read the Daily Mail?

I'm not abusing my child and while I think your response is an over reaction I can see why your experience has lead you there and that does make me see things from another perspective. Smile

FTR I read broadsheets and dislike Ms Hopkins

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2018 10:58

I did this with D's 6 behind his back when he was giving me attitude and spat at me, despite telling him off.

letsallhaveanap · 22/06/2018 10:59

YANBU but I do this to everyone I love really... and they do it back... all in good humour! Thats just my familys sense of humour.

mrsmuddlepies · 22/06/2018 10:59

I dislike the way some posters excuse anything, hitting, swearing, shouting if it is behaviour from a mother. If someone posted that a child's father often gave them the finger, there would be outrage.
I do understand how frustration can lead to this kind of behaviour, but some of the posters who support this may turn into the mothers that are moaned about on the Stately Homes thread.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/06/2018 11:02

Areo and you see no correlation there?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2018 11:04

No tinkly as he does not see it, so how will he copy. I rarely do it, sometimes he can be a did winding his Autistic sister up causing a meltdown!

Dulra · 22/06/2018 11:05

It may seem odd but I lean towards it would be better to scream infront of her than swear at her in secret, there’s an added “nastiness” in the latter that doesn’t sit right with me
It really isn't! Screaming at a toddler is never a good thing.

I don't think YABU. You are frustrated and cross and if flipping the V sign behind your child's back helps you cope better go for it. I don't see it as a nasty expression to your child more like a stress relief for you. Saying that muttering something under your breath, counting to 10 or leaving the room to calm down may be better but we all have our own ways of coping with the stress and frustration our kids can bring us. There are parents out there doing a hell of a lot worse

letsallhaveanap · 22/06/2018 11:06

Things are dependant on context... humour is one thing and genuine anger is another... if id grown up with my parents swearing at me out of genuine anger all the time I may well have been on the stately homes thread...
The OP sounded like a bit of a joke to cope with annoying toddler behaviour.... not a genuine expression of anger akin to hitting!
Might not be what everyone does.... but swearing is defined by its context its not at all the same as hitting. Just because no one ever swears in your family and if they did it would be an aggressive thing does not mean its the same in every family.
It certainly can be an aggressive an alarming thing... but it can also easily be affectionate and/or lighthearted.... the bigger picture defines that. Lots of people are from incredibly loving and supportive families but those families have a dark sense of humour or dont really care too much about swearing...
Each to their own.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2018 11:09

I never swear around him, but when he really annoys me.

Takethemdown · 22/06/2018 11:10

Meh if a parent sticking a finger up behind their child's back rather than walloping or screaming aggressively at them then whatever.

I don't do it behind my kids back but I have done it to the front door about my neighbours Blush

CarefullyDrawnMap · 22/06/2018 11:13

Jeez. Erm, no, I don't think it's OK. I think it shows contempt.
Flipping the bird to my husband or a teen in a jokey way yes, of course. The 'go the fuck to sleep book' yes, totally great. Swearing under your breath to yourself, calling them little shits through gritted teeth when you're talking to a friend, yes, no problem with all that. Giving the finger to a toddler behind her back. Nope.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 22/06/2018 11:16

Oh I do this all the time. And I mutter "for fucks sake" after the 3000 "mu-u-m" of the day. I don't do it to their faces obvs.

I find it a bit weird people are judgey about it tbh. But then someone said up thread they use a punch bag instead to get rid of their parental frustration, really? That seems to much effort when you're already exhausted!

mrsmuddlepies · 22/06/2018 11:16

All the posters who agree with this, how would you feel if nursery teachers or nannies or reception teachers did this all the time behind the children's backs?

Shmithecat · 22/06/2018 11:17

TinklyLittleLaugh

I've honestly never done this. It's sly, it's passive aggressive, it's dishonest. Far better to say, "You are behaving badly and really annoying me, I'm going to ground you/walk away now."

Yeah, cos my 2yo totally listens to me when I say stuff like that to him.

Hmm

Yanbu op. Yanbu.

Shmithecat · 22/06/2018 11:18

mrsmuddlepies

All the posters who agree with this, how would you feel if nursery teachers or nannies or reception teachers did this all the time behind the children's backs?

Empathetic, accompanied by a fist bump of solidarity.

Ohmydayslove · 22/06/2018 11:20

I think it’s completejy the context.

Op is joking and toddler doesn’t see. My teens and I do this but it’s in jokey frustration not in any way anger or with the desire to hurt.

I think it’s the context.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 22/06/2018 11:21

Letting out frustrating privately is not harmful to a child. I’d ont do it but I’ve flipped off DP also and he’s done the same to me. We make it into a joke now and then get the fuck over what bothered us. It’s a release.