...to sometimes give toddler DD the finger behind her back?

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I am no pearl clutcher as I will swear (not the four letter words) when provoked but OP your gesture is deeply nasty to a young child and it is in a whole different league to the odd swearing under your breath.
Think about the symbolism as to what it represents next time you feel like doing it.
YABVU

Everyone gets it - the kids, DH (I've got RSI from giving him the fuck you very much treatment through the wall), the dog, next doors cat, her down the road whose kid needs to leave mine the fuck alone, the people that gave me a job then changed their minds, splashy men in the swimming pool, Jacuzzi hogging men.

I'll be buried with my two fingers up and my headstone will say "She's fucked off herself now"

why would you even do it?

I may have done this on occasion. I think it's a bit silly which relieves the stress they can cause by just being kids. DD has no idea it has happened and by the time she returns to the room I am calm and able to talk nicely. I can't see that it does any harm at all.

Similarly when she is being very challenging, dp and I will sometimes mime strangling her in a homer Simpson style to each other. I think it helps us feel we are in this together and brings some light relief to stressful situation. Again, she has no idea.

Dd has never been hit, feels incredibly loved and is a very happy child. I can't see that a humorous and slightly childish reaction to the stressful elements of parenting her will do any harm.

I'll be buried with my two fingers up and my headstone will say "She's fucked off herself now"
Excellent!

And work colleagues. Reminds me of a time when our boss came into the staffroom at lunch to blether at us. We all noticed a non Sweary colleague sat with her chin on her hand, with the vs up the side of her face. Everyone was doing silent shaking with laughter. We still do it now in particularly shite meetings.

Oh God yes. Baby DD had the "Fuckity Fuckity What Now" song when she wouldn't sleep, then as a threenager I would lock myself into the loo and do the two finger, tongue out, expletives dance rather than screech at her.

Now she's a teen she knows she's gone too far when I swear. She's been called a dickhead, a nobjockey and told to "stop the passive aggressive shite and just say what you mean". It works. She's a pretty amazing kid and so far (touch wood) she hasn't turned into a teenage delinquent!

(I also offered to throw her out the window once when she'd cried non stop for 2 hours. I said "OK, I think it's time for you to leave DD, pick a window" but as she was about 3 months old then, she didn't answer. Bloody kid )

I do this behind my grumpy and horrid teenager’s back!!

And there are some seriously sanctimonious people on this thread OP! Toddler will not be emotionally scarred, you are not a terrible mother and it doesn’t show a lack on respect or control, rather an honest frustration of how difficult toddlers can be!

I do it but in a very joking way only when dds back is turned and usually pull a silly face with it so if she catches me I can quickly put the finger away and she will laugh at the funny face I think it depends on your sense of humor. Dh and me have a little joke about giving the vs with my best friend and her dp.

it's no worse than muttering swear words under one's breath at toddlers, which lots of people do. Toddler's are one of life's bigger challenges...

I wander about the house muttering "Oh just fucking fuck off" whenever any of my family shriek speak to me

Also, this.

I’m definitely guilty of this 😂 and definitely guilty of going to the toilet just to stand there and say “fuck off fuck off fuck off what do you even need now?!?!?!”. I can 100% guarantee that it is better for my mental health (and probably theirs too!) to do that than to actually do it to the faces 😂😂

I do it to ds (9). He’s really hard work and when he’s bleated ‘mum I can’t find...’ for the billionth time that day when it’s right there in front of him I will say ffs under my breath.
In other circumstances - such as when I’ve played football with him and he’s told me I’m rubbish in a sneering voice - I will give him the finger.
My toddler I tend to stick with just whispering ffs. Yesterday for example, when she screamed for a boiled egg and NOTHING else would suffice. So I did her a boiled egg and toast. She ate the toast, ignored the egg and got down from the table. After a while I chucked it away. Half an hour later she reappeared in the kitchen and demanded to know where her egg had gone because she wanted it. Then the whole thing started again ‘it was mine egg, where’s mine egg? I want mine egg!’ I did say ffs a number of times. Quietly.

Notclear, I have done it loads at work. Stopped when I did it to a particularly rude colleague as she waited for the lift - just as the doors opened revealing the mirrored back of the lift. Ooooops.

That's my whole point!

Why did you stop when you were caught out?

YANBU I do this to my 13yo almost every day. It makes me feel better and so far he hasn't caught me

I don't doubt for a second that he does the same when my back is turned after telling him to switch the Xbox off!

On the flip side, I did say to DH only yesterday that our whole family (inc children) speak to each other in tones of barely concealed irritation and that maybe that isn't ideal it is mostly my fault, shamefully. I'm still in favour of a discreet Fuck off, but maybe adopting some sort of anger reduction technique (whatever works for you!) would also help. I am still learning to do this myself so let's learn together....

YANBU

The 'sanctimonious' people are answering the question the OP asked. It's not sanctimonious to think this shows a lack of respect.

I’ve done it. Sometimes they are just tiny dickheads.

perhaps she will turn the tables op and do it to you when you are old and infirm, actually she probably will

I honestly thought everyone did this. Am a little shocked at the holier than thou on this thread.

little shocked at how uncouth posters are

Not the finger but definitely the V sign and often. They never caught me, they don’t know I did it and it was such a release! They are grown up now and lovely so I no longer feel the need thank goodness.