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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to sometimes give toddler DD the finger behind her back?

642 replies

Legbreak · 21/06/2018 21:57

She definitely doesn’t see and it makes me feel better and is always at home, not out and about etc. My DSis thinks it’s appalling.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Wolfiefan · 26/06/2018 17:05

Not if the child isn't even in the room and doesn't have a clue what the adult is doing?! Jeez. It's a harmless way for an adult at their wit's end to release tension and stress.

speakout · 26/06/2018 17:18

The OP said a "behind her back" not a "different room".

speakout · 26/06/2018 17:19

always at home, not out and about

Why not out and about?

If it's so harmless and hilarious why not when you are out?

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2018 17:21

I wouldn't do it if I thought my child could see me. So not out and about. But out of the room.

speakout · 26/06/2018 17:23

So if your OH did this to you as you walked out of the room in front of your friends that would be fine?

Titsywoo · 26/06/2018 17:36

I do it to my DH all the time when he is being annoying and am sure he does to me!

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2018 17:44

You're either being deliberately obtuse or a GF.
Doing it outside of the room (which I said I had done) when a child has driven you to screaming point is very different to that scenario. Adults don't generally push each other to that state. We use our words and can explain ourselves and be reasoned with.
If your kids have never ever driven you beyond the point of all human patience then lucky you. Hmm

UserX · 26/06/2018 18:01

If your kids have never ever driven you beyond the point of all human patience then lucky you.

Well, my kids are just as naughty and exasperating as any others but I can definitely say I have never thought or said or gestured “Fuck You” at them.

Nobody is goading or being obtuse. I genuinely believe that this is horrible behavior and there is no justification or excuse for it.

speakout · 26/06/2018 18:03

*Well, my kids are just as naughty and exasperating as any others but I can definitely say I have never thought or said or gestured “Fuck You” at them.

Nobody is goading or being obtuse. I genuinely believe that this is horrible behavior and there is no justification or excuse for it.*

Totally agree.

speakout · 26/06/2018 18:05

wolfie- or a GF.

You see how naturally it comes to some of you.

As is evident by the number of deleted comments on this thread.

Luckystar777 · 26/06/2018 18:10

A lot of people here shouldn't have had kids, I think that's a horrible thing to do.

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2018 18:16

Nah. It's not horrible. Far better than screaming at kids which some people do or storming about the house and creating a horrible atmosphere. Kids have no idea. Parent feels better.
What would you rather a parent who finds themselves at the very end of their tether do? Sing hymns or chant? Burn some incense? Hmm

speakout · 26/06/2018 18:22

Nah. It's not horrible. Far better than screaming at kids which some people do or storming about the house and creating a horrible atmosphere.

Are these the only alternatives you can think of?

Do you think those of us who don't stick the finger up at our kids storm about the house creating a horrible atmosphere or burn incense and chant?

If these are the only parenting techniques you can think of when you feel frustrated then you are in trouble.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 26/06/2018 18:24

DS2 sticks his tongue out behind my back (DH dropped him in it), I'm sure he'll be giving me the finger in a few years. What's the difference the other way round?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 26/06/2018 18:34

I find the insinuation that people on here who admit to this are unfit or abusive parents much more offensive than any of the swearing, by a mile.

UserX · 26/06/2018 18:35

DS2 sticks his tongue out behind my back (DH dropped him in it), I'm sure he'll be giving me the finger in a few years. What's the difference the other way round?

The difference is he’s the child, you’re the adult and you should know better. It’s not acceptable for him to do it to you either. Maybe you could teach him that.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/06/2018 18:52

Ds was once lecturing me on there joys of Minecraft and Stampylongnose this was probably the third in an hour

As I walked out of the room I muttered oh please shut the fuck up ds heard the shut up and asked who I was talking to I replied the cat who I then realised was out ds didn’t notice and carried on with his lecture

I love my ds more than anything but yes he annoys me yes he sometimes bores me and yes I wish at times he would stfu but it’s fleeting Halo

nostaples · 26/06/2018 19:42

'DS2 sticks his tongue out behind my back (DH dropped him in it), I'm sure he'll be giving me the finger in a few years. What's the difference the other way round?'

You are right that he will be doing it to you if that's what you do to him. Our job is to model the behaviour we want our children to adopt.

I have never sworn at my children and now as teenagers they have never sworn at me.

As other posters have said we have other resources to draw on when we disagree or are irritated with each other.

Out of interest, if you saw a teacher or childminder or even a waiter or busdriver giving a toddler the finger behind their back what would you think?

I have a bit more understanding for those parents who say they have sworn at their child when they have absolutely reached the limits of their patience, those who are doing it because they find it funny are plain irresponsible and almost certainly hypocritical because they really won't find it funny when their kids do it back to them.

nostaples · 26/06/2018 19:45

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed children pick up a lot more than we think they do. Your child DID notice and he will almost certainly repeat this behaviour. If there was even a chance that they would do this, why do it?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/06/2018 20:02

nostaples I am well aware that children at times pick up more that we think they do

But unlike maybe yourself I am not a perfect parent and neither do I pretend to be

I’m sure childcare professionals do at times mutter under their breath but working with a child and parenting a child is different, the relationship and dynamics are different I know ds wouldn’t witter on and on and on and demand constant attention from his teacher

And given this was about three years ago and he hasn’t copied my actions since I think he isn’t scarred from this incident

nostaples · 26/06/2018 20:12

You see, Enthusiasm, I never said I was a perfect parent, I just said I don't think it's right that parents should swear at their toddlers, or children in general.

It's funny how many people on the thread defend their position by insulting other people. It's more of the same really isn't it? When people feel OK about themselves they usually find ways to communicate their feelings, even difficult feelings, without simply swearing or insulting other people.

' I know ds wouldn’t witter on and on and on and demand constant attention from his teacher ' You'll probably find that he does and that the teacher has another 29 kids to deal with as well.

If teachers, bus drivers, shop assistants, nurses etc can deal with many hundreds of difficult people every day without swearing and we expect them to do this then I really think it is beholden on us as parents to do the same with our own children, who we should love and care for.

nostaples · 26/06/2018 20:17

'’m sure childcare professionals do at times mutter under their breath'

They really don't and certainly shouldn't. I've been working with young people, including the most challenging situations imaginable for 20 years and honestly never seen this. Certainly not a teacher swearing at a child which would lead to disciplinary action. And rightly so. Adults in positions of responsibility MUST be able to work with vulnerable people, children without 'losing it'.

That doesn't mean they don't go and sound off in the staff room in their lunch break with OTHER ADULTS. No, they don't go into a cupboard or another room and swear because they are still caring for children.

YummySushi · 26/06/2018 20:21

If you saw ur sons teacher doing this behind his back, I’m sure you would go insane..

If u were my sons teacher and did this to him, I would be making a huge huge deal and moving him schools.

Trust is important for kids and if the person they trust isn’t trustworthy behind their back... then it’s a big deal actually.

The amount of mums thinkng this is normal, is making me contemplate homeschooling my youngest !.

SmileEachDay · 26/06/2018 20:26

The amount of mums thinkng this is normal, is making me contemplate homeschooling my youngest

Really?

Gosh.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/06/2018 20:35

oh Lordy more preaching

I work in mh with very challenging ex offenders many of them young adults

Never ever do they push my buttons in the same way as ds. my working relationship is a close one and I see them daily at work even when I have been called them most awful names and their behavior has been threatening it’s not the same but I can’t say I or anyone else I work with haven’t walked away muttering to ourselves I’m human and I don’t like being called names or have someone trying to indimidate me when all I have done is ask if someone is coming to take their medication - that isn’t the same as swearing at someone or losing it Hmm that’s quite a leap in behavior