...to sometimes give toddler DD the finger behind her back?

[Legbreak]

She definitely doesn’t see and it makes me feel better and is always at home, not out and about etc. My DSis thinks it’s appalling.

The thing is we do this as a running joke in our house to each other. DP and I do it o each other's faces.

How delightful.

And hilarious.

And great to teach your kids.

However don't expect people in the wider community to get the "running joke" when your kids start to stick the finger up.

Wow all these perfect parents, doing everything right, must be so good.

IIIustriousIyIIlogical I couldn't be a teacher, I don't have anywhere near enough patience!!

Let the record show that all my teacher friends have glowing records, are clearly doted upon by their classes (several are in our kids' school) and my own kids love them. So what if they occasionally explode when the little darlings aren't looking

OP no you're not being unreasonable or a bad parent.

Some on here are absolute kindred spirits, those who think this is shocking it is so much healthier to be annoyed and release that in this way, or swearing in your head/in the loo rather than snap at some point which sadly some parents do.

I have a baby, and have definitely sang my own little lullabies to him when refusing to sleep, and called him a terrorist, shitbag, arsehole in a happy voice. If you say it in a happy voice you can say whatever right?

I wouldn't care. It is a gesture not violence.

It's a violent gesture though.

If someone did that to you in the pub, it would quite rightly upset you.

It's not meant to be nice or even comical. It's used as a threat, to intimidate, ridicule or devalue someone else.

it is so much healthier to be annoyed and release that in this way, or swearing in your head/in the loo rather than snap at some point which sadly some parents do.

It is not an either/or case though- unless you are suggesting the finger uppers are the ones likely to snap.

Usually I find MN mum's a bit precious but this is disgusting and abusive. Anyone who thinks that's ok should replace a gesture with a word or action.

But the whole point is that I’ve replaced a word or an action with a gesture!

I have a baby, and have definitely sang my own little lullabies to him when refusing to sleep, and called him a terrorist, shitbag, arsehole in a happy voice. If you say it in a happy voice you can say whatever right?

This is what I don’t get. Do you actually call your baby a shitbag? Do you think of them as a shitbag?

Children don’t misbehave as a personal attack on you, but giving the finger or saying fuck off under your breath is a reaction to a personal slight. It’s what you do in an argument when you have nothing left to say. It’s what you do when someone cuts you up driving. Why would you do that to your child, who is just doing annoying but normal kid things? So aggressive.

I do the Ross from Friends secret swear gesture

It is not an either/or case though- unless you are suggesting the finger uppers are the ones likely to snap.

No it's not either/or, but you are more likely to snap and shout or become resentful if you're releasing your frustration whether that me in this way the OP is or it be ranting that your child is an arse to the other parent or a friend. It's a release, and this stops a build up of frustration.

Some parents may not find any of this necessary, they may not be sweary people however for those who are and do find swearing comical rather than aggressive this is an outlet that isn't impacting their children.

So many people on hear seem to think babies and toddlers can't understand anything. Of course they can, they can understand much more than they can say and they can copy too. Good luck to everyone calling your kid a shitbag and singing cute little "fuck off" songs. I'm sure it will go down a storm in nursery.

This thread is starting to make me feel like ✌🏻(behind some backs)

This is what I don’t get. Do you actually call your baby a shitbag? Do you think of them as a shitbag?

I don't view swearing as aggressive, obviously it can be but personally I don't swear with aggression neither do my dh or friends. I view swearing as a comical interjection. Therefore singing you little shitbag when he's just pooed and it's gone out the side of his nappy and all over me is my response. It doesn't mean I'm not going to clean us both up and give him a cuddle straight after or have fun with him in his bath as no I obviously don't think his behaviour is directed at me.

I've done it to release pent up energy before now.
The trick is not to do it behind their back in case they turn round.
Turn your back on them and do it, or better still look at them and do it behind your back.

I work in an office, and have been know to stick the finger up at the phone when I’ve got a difficult person on the other end. I’ve also done it to my cats YANBU, it can help with the stress, and it’s way better than openly effing and blinding at them (children, animals and customers)

In response to my previous posts about schools in the 70's and 80's, where students and parents were routinely name called and gestured behind backs. One teacher accidentally got 'caught' making a face about a parent at a parents evening. Surprisingly, the parent, senior teachers and governors did not think it was funny and 'lol' about it. That teacher eventually (poor attitude all round) failed her NQT year and was dismissed. I have been involved in observations and interviews all my life. One whiff of this kind of disrespect, and a candidate thinking it is funny to belittle vulnerable children, and you would be in a great deal of trouble.
It is not funny, it is not appropriate and it will lead on to other even more disrespectful acts. It is not venting and if I saw a parent behaving like this to a very little child, I would have concerns.

What a weird thing to do to your baby/toddler. Sounds awful, maybe your baby can't "see" it, but I bet he can feel the hate you are indulging in - and moreover so can you.

I think OPs read about doing this somewhere else online (I came across it). I think its a horrible thing to do, the fact that the child can't see it is completely irrelevant).

I don't view swearing as aggressive, obviously it can be but personally I don't swear with aggression neither do my dh or friends.

So you wouldn’t mind if anyone called you a shitbag? When your baby is older, and they run into some stranger in Sainsburys on their scooter, and the stranger calls them a shitbag, will you join in and say oh yes ha ha ha they are being such a shitbag today ha ha ha?

Lol no

JJS888's comment didn't read to me like she's 'drunk' - it read like she's witnessed some horrific abuse of vulnerable people and still finds it, understandably, upsetting and this is probably triggering.

Pff, it read to me like she's a numpty who likes to have a rant... Maybe flicking the V's at someone would calm her down....

Unless, of course, it'd "trigger" her...

IIIustriousIyIIlogical I couldn't be a teacher, I don't have anywhere near enough patience!!

Me neither, I'm a volunteer with a youth organisation!

Much gesticulating goes on I can assure you...

if I saw a parent behaving like this to a very little child, I would have concerns.

Crikey, not much going on in your world then!!

I am surprised that the same bunch of people who think beans on toast is not an acceptable meal, or those who push offence taking to a whole new level in terms of race, body type etc, think this is funny.

I'm failing to see the correlation there. As for the emotive guff about it being "abusive" come the fuck on. It's not as though the OP is roundhouse kicking her toddler into the next room.

No kids, but not above flipping the bird to my cats. Or at the phone when I'm at work and have particularly arsehole-ish customer on the other end.

however don’t think it’s hikarious when the wider community don’t think it’s hilarious when your kids do the finger at them

Oh dear are you such a crap parent that you can’t teach your kids appropriate exchanges in different situations?

My adult and teen kids sometimes swear but never in front of small children or loudly in public.

Can’t you teach your children that? Maybe get some parenting advice or help. Lots out there