AIBU & grabby?

[worthsolittle1]

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

Absolutely 100% not being grabby. Please find a way to say no to him! The longer this goes on, the longer his feet will be under the table and he'll feel entitled and it'll be harder. I can't believe he is trying to sell this to you as a good deal!!

I'm afraid the way he has gone about this is grounds for LTB, you need a partner who wants the best for you, not the best for himself at your expense.

There are huge savings to living together. Why exactly is he the only one benefitting from that? That's not how a partnership works.

A partnership would be he e.g. pays half what he would have been before and so you both benefit.

I can see how you can get into serious debt on £4500 but if its so bad he can only spend £150 a month on outgoings then 1) there should be visible impacts such as not being able to hold a mortgage and 2) he wouldn't be spending any money on treats such as takeaways

Your update makes his sponging even clearer. I have no respect for people who don’t want to pay their way.

I’d write down your household outgoings such as
Gas
Water
Electric
Council tax
Buildings and contents insurance
Food (his dc will eat it too)
Rent/mortgage

And split it down the middle 50/50 ... then I’d also suggest a ‘fun’ fund that you each pay an amount into for things like takeaways etc

Sit him downstairs with this list and say,
‘It’s amazing that you’ve moved in and it’s put you in a position to pay your debts off quicker, thank you so much for the £150 a month, but you also need to be paying X a month, I’ve baswd this on the household outgoings’ and hand him the paper. If he refuses then or says he can’t afford it, then just tell him if he thinks he’ll be better off back in his own house, then please move out at the end of the week, otherwise his first payment is due by the end of the week.

Come on OP please do t let him take the piss

If you continue with this arrangement than you are a total mug. Don't let him sponge off you and your children like this...seriously!

YABUVU to let a cocklodger move in with your children without even having a conversation about the practicalities first.

YANBU to demand he pay up or fuck off.

I thought you meant £150 a week and thought he was a CF at that.
Tell him no.

If anyone's being grabby, it's him! If he rented a room for himself - £100 per week plus food. If he rented a flat £500 pw plus council tax, bills and food.

This makes me want to come help you pack his fucking bags 🤬

He knows what he's doing, he didn't move in because he loves you and wants to spend his days being with you.
This was a cold, calculated move to make himself more money, I bet he won't even be paying his debts off and even in the rare chance he did, he would fuck off as soon as he found someone else to take advantage off unless you continued to be manipulated like this.

Anyone decent who earned his income would be ashamed at the disgustingly small sum he offered.

Why don't you suggest a saw so in 6 months you move into his and rent yours out, for a change? See what he thinks...:-)

swap

Would you benefit from tax credits ? UC if he wasn't there?

LovelyBath77 I think the OP said she rents hers

OMG Just seen how much he earns. That's shocking.

Ok, even more unfair really. Horrible, poor lady. Hope you have the courage to kick him out...and soon

I'm not really sure how to bring the conversation up with him tbh.

Ok, I think we should now focus on helping the op to decide what to say to him about his offer.

Firstly, to re open the conversation about how much he contributes, I think you could say that you've been thinking about it, and are deeply unhappy with the amount as:-

1. it doesn't even begin to cover the additional costs of him living there, and
2. you feel like you're the one paying his debts back as he's proposing to live virtually free in your household. You're not his mother and £34.61 a week is a derisory sum that wouldn't even cover his food!
3. it makes you feel used, and like a complete mug, and you've been here before with your ex. It's very very disrespectful of him, and you won't allow yourself to be used by him in this way. Also, that it was very presumptuous of him to just 'announce' what he would contribute without any discussion.
4. Make it very clear that the arrangement must be a win win situation for both of you, not just him! (see comment from a previous poster who talked about 'win win')

Look back on all these comments and work out all your costs for him to see-there was a complicated but very fair calculation that someone wrote early on, about how to work out a fair shared household budget. Use this as a base line- write it down and give it to him. Tell us what he says.
Don't agree anything straight away. Give yourself time to think, and tell him you'll mull over his proposals and get back to him.

You really have to be careful here. Nowhere have you talked about him moving in with you as a sign of an increased commitment between the both of you, and wanting to take your relationship to the next level. It really does sound as though it is sheer convenience on his part while he clears his debts (and probably saves a nice pot for himself) before moving out again, or even actually finishing the relationship)

Don't be embarrassed to talk to him about money, and don't let him tell you that you're 'grabby' either- you're not!

Hopefully, other posters will be along soon to give you some more ideas about what to say to him too.

Sorry this is such a long post- I'm incensed on your behalf!

@worthsolittle1 I charge MY OWN SON £100 a WEEK. Not because I need the money but because it's what's fair and he needs to pay his way.

You should not be moving in with anyone if you can’t talk openly and honestly about finances. Fairness is paramount.

I’ll reiterate, if he’s willing to treat you like this he’s not worth your time.

Cocklodger. Dump and move on.

FFS! My oldest pats more than that to live at home AND buys his own food. He even buys us all the odd carry out. He thinks it’s brilliant because he has plenty of money left over from his minimum wage job. Get that prick out of your house, OP!

If he's moving in then I think it's important to sit down together and work out a budget. He needs to see all your outgoings and you his, pref a credit report too. Then u can start managing money as a couple. It doesn't have to be joint bank accounts but transparency is important

Op you tell him you need to sit down together and go through all finances on both sides. You can't let this slide

I love the expression cocklodger because it's so accurate.

Gets his mysterious debts if they even exist paid off in record time
Has extra cash from renting his house - even if the debts are real he won't be using all the rent to pay them off
Sex on tap
Fed for free

It's a great life, isn't it? 😂

So he gets his enormous (and it is enormous) salary, rental income from his house which I would imagine is not a small amount but as a very conservative estimate of an extra £500:

£4500 & £500 - £150 = £4850 in his pocket, just for him!

I don't know what your benefit situation is but again, let's say £500:

£1500 & £150 & £500 = £2150 in your pocket but that supports you, three children full time and three children part time as well as utilities, food, council tax, insurances.. need i go on?

Either sit him down and go through this properly - or get him out of your house!!!