Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Original poster

AIBU & grabby?

298 replies

worthsolittle1 · 21/06/2018 20:37

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

OP posts:

Grumpyoldblonde · 22/06/2018 09:23

You say no to the pisstaker. Just no.

BarbaraofSevillle · 22/06/2018 09:24

You say 'no loss of benefits' but if you are receiving Child Benefit, it will have to be paid back due to his earnings (£4500 pm is around an £80k salary, more if he is paying a pension and/or student loans and you get zero child benefit if someone in the household earns above £60k - he could pay it back himself via a tax return of course, but is he aware of this?)

When he said he'd give me £150 he said look your be £150 better off now with me living here

Does he not eat any of the food you buy then? Also his DCs when they stay? What about your council tax going up? No showers or washing at your house? He's either a cheeky fucker or a bit thick when it comes to the realities of the costs of running a household.

muttmad · 22/06/2018 09:25

Who suggested him moving in?
Did you know he had debts and suggest he moves in so he could pay them off? In which case i can sort of see why he would assume he wouldn't have to contribute....
miss communication
But if this was his idea or if you suggested moving in together as a natural progression of your relationship but not for paying off his debt then you really need to re evaluate your relationship!

catinboots9 · 22/06/2018 09:26

He earns 4.5k a month???? How much are his debts???

Thebluedog · 22/06/2018 09:26

No loss if benefits. What about your 25% council tax reduction for starters

WerkSupp · 22/06/2018 09:29

When he said he'd give me £150 he said look your be £150 better off now with me living here .
Without him living here I'd pay out what I'm paying now. so I think he's sees the £150 as doing me a favour and I now have extra money to spend which I don't even after paying for the extra food.

Look, OP, he knows what he is doing. He knows exactly what he is doing. He may think he is doing you a favour, because he is an entitled twat who believes women should pay for his presence, but he knows he is using you and taking the piss. He may not even be paying the debt in greater quantities, why should he?

And now he has got his feet under your table, he will try desperately to hang onto his cheap meal ticket with sex on tap and free digs for his kids when he has them.

He will gaslight you, act shocked when you bring up that he's taking advantage of you, telling you that you are trying to make money off him, that he's doing it for the good of you both (did he dangle a carrot in front of you of buying a house together after the debt is paid?), how can you think so little of him to believe he's mugging you off?

But the bottom line is that he is massively fucking you over, you have form for allowing this to happen and this cycle will continue as long as you let it.

IJustLostTheGame · 22/06/2018 09:33

His share of council tax and food combined will be more than 150 a month.
Write all the costs down and show it to him, if he is a decent person he will offer or agree to cover it.
If he is cocklodger he won't, and I would advise you to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fucktown and stay there.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/06/2018 09:35

'Yes thanks for the 150 gesture! Now, let's discuss the actual expenses we will be sharing.'

YOU buy all the food?? The 150 probably won't even cover what he eats for breakfast.

muttmad · 22/06/2018 09:36

Even offering a token amount more to cover council tax and food would not make this an equal relationship. He is earning three times as much as you, and rents out his house for extra income he has over £3000 a month in his pocket after deductions....... twice your monthly imcome!

ConferencePear · 22/06/2018 09:42

So he is going to be paying £4.93 a day for the privilege of living with you. This does not take account of the weekends when his children stay. I cannot believe either he or you think this is OK.

Will his washing, cooking, cleaning and council tax be included in this sum ?

The reason he is in debt is that he does not have a proper grasp of what it costs to live.
Get rid !

spudlet7 · 22/06/2018 09:47

You have to force yourself to bring it up. It's tough and it's awkward but you already have the upper hand - why? Because you're in the right. Have a figure in mind. If he's not happy with it, that's fine. He can find somewhere else to live. He does have a choice. You're not being mean here, you're just having enough respect for yourself, your kids, and YOUR home to ask for what you deserve.

SlowDown76mph · 22/06/2018 09:48

You are being taken advantage of.
You are enabling him to live cheaply and pay off his debts.
You are not £150 a month better off.

He is not acting like a decent partner.

Why are you setting your standards so low?

rainingcatsanddog · 22/06/2018 09:53

He's not doing you a favour at all.

50% of the Council Tax (2 adults in the household)
A decent proportion of water, electricity, gas, broadband, home insurance, tv, (you don't say how old your kids are so can't say what percentage he should pay)
50% of the food and entertainment bill when his kids come
100% of the extra furniture, bed linen, crockery etc you need for his kids to stay
A decent proportion of the food bill, especially if he has "fancier" tastes than you like steak rather than sausages.
50% of the alcohol bill

Is not £150pm 😡😵😂 I suspect it's more than £150pw. He's a CF trying to disguise it as doing you a favour.

NordicNobody · 22/06/2018 09:56

Are you the poster with the boyfriend who owes his mum 20k and pays £600 a month on a fancy car and originally said he would move in and pay nothing as it would help him pay off his debt faster? If so, run. If not, still run. This guys sounds like a freeloading twat.

ciderhouserules · 22/06/2018 10:04

He thinks this £150 is just going straight into your pocket, right?

It's going on extra food, your council tax single supp being taken away, extra hot water for showers/baths, extra electricity for lighting/shaver/cooking, extra wear and tear on sofas/beds/chairs...

Not to mention that will double when you have HIS kids over EOW. They'll be showering, eating, using broadband and elec, more wear and tear.

Get rid. Tell him he can come back when he is ready to have a proper talk about where YOU stand in this relationship.

Tambien · 22/06/2018 10:06

Nope. Don’t split 5 ans it will play against you.

Take you bank statement ts, download them onto excel and then add up how much you are spending each month
For food (remember his kids are coming over EOW too)
For rent
For electricity
For water
For Council tax
For telephone
Etc etc
Do an average for a xouple of months before he came to live with you.
Do that for the month (or more) he has be been with you
Look at the difference. How much does it cost you for him to live with you??

Then take that with you and tell him £150 is fuck all.

Because even with looking at how much your spending has increased, and justvtakingbthat into account, you will subsidising the rent (he will have nothing to pay re rent).

Also, how much is he doing in the house? Does he cook, clean the loo, do the shopping (I’m guessing not from your OP), the washing etc etc.
Because if he also doesn’t do a thing in the house, then he is really a cocklodger.

muttmad · 22/06/2018 10:06

OP you are buying your relationship, he is taking advantage and sees you as a free ride in life.
I'm sorry to be blunt but the more i think about it the angrier i get for you

Tambien · 22/06/2018 10:12

Btw, remember that him paying his debt off is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.The fact his mortgage is lower than your rent is also not her nor there.

The reality is that him living with you has a cost.
And it’s not normal thatnyou have to pay more so he can’t his debts. You would basically be paying HIS debts off for him!!

For full disclosure, him moving in just because that allows him to be able to pay his debts off makes me uncomfortable. He should be moving in because he values the relationhsip with you. Because he wants a LT relationhsip with you and wants to create a real partnership.
Giving you pocket money and putting it as a favour to you isn’t a partnership.

BarbaraofSevillle · 22/06/2018 10:23

Indeed, Tambien In a long term partnership, costs are shared either 50/50 or more fairly weighted towards the higher earner, so he should be paying more than the OP towards their joint living costs, although allowance should be made that her DCs are there more of the time, but he should probably still pay about twice as much as the OP, based on their incomes, so anything less than that is taking the piss really.

Him giving a token contribution for his keep that doesn't even cover the marginal cost of him being there is just a piss take.

magoria · 22/06/2018 10:23

OK. If you can't do this for yourself.

This man is expecting you to pay for him someone who earns £4.5k a month which means you have less for your DC.

Put them first before his bank balance.

Trinity66 · 22/06/2018 10:30

It's worrying that you think that it's you that's being grabby, I can see why he thought it would be easy for him to take advantage of that. Get a backbone and think of your kids

dundermiflin · 22/06/2018 10:50

Are you fucking joking op?
He's costing you electricity, water, food, and he's not even paying towards rent. Where the fuck else could he live for $150?

Even if he does agree to pay more - why the hell would you want to be with someone who is so prepared to rip you off?

Please, please tell him where to go (out the fucking front door).

Trinity66 · 22/06/2018 10:53

Even if he does agree to pay more - why the hell would you want to be with someone who is so prepared to rip you off?

Yup. This is the question you need to be asking yourself. This guy is prepared to take advantage of a low earning, single mother of 3. read that back to yourself a few times.

sociopathsunited · 22/06/2018 10:53

I don't expect £150 a month will cover his costs in terms of food, electricity and gas, and council tax etc. He needs to pay half of EVERYTHING, including half the rent. He's an earning adult, not a child you need to subsidise.

wineandroses1 · 22/06/2018 10:55

Oh good grief Op! He is massively taking the piss. You appear to have met the twin of your Ex! Tell him to leave, why on earth would you want to subsidise his life-style?

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12