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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU & grabby?

298 replies

worthsolittle1 · 21/06/2018 20:37

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 22/06/2018 13:57

You know have less money for your kids by paying this man to live in your house.

Godowneasy · 22/06/2018 13:58

Just for information, OP has already said she doesn't get any tax credits. (Are all the children grown up? Do they live at home?)
Also, I think CF Cocklodger has already moved in with OP.
I wonder whether he's doing his share of the housework........

Just a thought, he could maybe consolidate all his debt by increasing his mortgage. Then, he can easily pay his way to you op in full!

Op-You're renting, and you need to build up savings for your eventual retirement etc. Keep the thought of being poorer and older because you've financially supported cocklodger firmly in your head when you talk to him about finances.

You are in a much more financially vulnerable position than he is, given that he owns a property and earns such a substantial salary. It really is disgusting how he is happy to manipulate you, take such advantage of you, and be so selfish.

As they say on mumsnet, he's shown you who he is. Pay attention and listen to that!

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 22/06/2018 14:22

OP in the interests of how to simplify the argument with him I wouldn’t focus on what you are saving or spending, but on what he is saving.

You are enabling him to get this rent from his house. Without you he would not have that money. You should get 50% of the profit after he’s paid any mortgage etc costs (make sure he doesn’t lie about these).

When he said he'd give me £150 he said look your be £150 better off now with me living here
Use this line back on him when he protests. He says “but that only leaves me with £xxx”, you say “so you’re £xxx better off now thanks to me letting you live here.”

Or better yet ditch the cocklodger, of course.

Tambien · 22/06/2018 15:09

Another thing that crossed my mind.
When two people are living together, it benefits BOTH people on a financial pov. That’s why when people are separating, there is so much talk about being able to afford TWO households and how it usually impossible to keep the same standar of living when you separate.

Now take that the other way. When your DP is moving in, it should actaulally be beneficial to you and to him to do so.
You should BOTH be better off.
If he is massively better of and you are either worse off or even the same, then You are loosing out and he is benefiting from you.

category12 · 22/06/2018 15:30

At £150 a month, she's definitely going to be worse off, not better off or the same. He's a user.

Graphista · 22/06/2018 15:32

How about

"Pack your bags and get out you cocklodging, freeloading piece of shit"? No?

Honestly you CANNOT trust him - every month there'll be an excuse 'I'll make it up next month' even if you get a supposed agreement from him to pay more.

YOU and YOUR KIDS are going to HAVE to go WITHOUT to fund HIS LIFESTYLE!

I beg of you get rid of this selfish waste of skin!

He doesn't care for you or your kids you're just a meal ticket.

PLEASE call and speak to women's aid or similar.

To be perfectly honest, I would never have allowed anyone to move on without FULL discussion on money, chores, ground rules.

But IF I found myself in that situation I'd black bag all his stuff, fling it out the door and lock him out!

Get him gone, NOBODY deserves treatment like this and your kids certainly don't deserve to see you treated like this OR miss out because you are essentially paying off his debts for him!

Do you want your kids ending up in the same position as adults? Because if you allow this you're teaching them they're not worth consideration or money for their needs.

Juells · 22/06/2018 15:46

You realise you're helping to support his children?

You can't feed an adult on £150 a month. You'll be taking food out of your own children's mouths to feed that cocklodger, and before long he'll be complaining about the quality of the food provided. "Where does that £150 go that I give you every month?"

He's a CF and he's walking all over you.

Coyoacan · 22/06/2018 16:41

I beg of you get rid of this selfish waste of skin!

This

I think what really gets me is that this is what he's offered. Decent people offer to pay more. He is a grown man and having to explain the basic maths of all your outgoings is degrading under these circumstances. He knows the maths, he is someone who has managed to run up debt living on his own on a much bigger salary than yours.

Juells · 22/06/2018 16:46

How would you feel if you found out he was actually paying maintenance and child support of £2500 a month, and that's why he's in debt? That's quite possible. And throwing £150 to you because that's all you're worth.

catinboots9 · 22/06/2018 17:01

Well we walked right into that one didn't we.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 22/06/2018 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CornishMaid1 · 22/06/2018 17:33

He is not doing you a favour.

He should be paying his share of the bills. Even if you account for the children, he should be paying 1/5th of every bill at a minimum and more because he has his children staying at the weekends using your water, electricity etc.

He should be paying at least 25% of the Council Tax (the amount of your reduction) but really should pay 50% (children don't pay Council tax so that is a bill you share).

He should be paying a good chunk towards the food bill because he has to feed himself and his three kids when they visit.

I would just say that we need to talk about the money situation and that as much as you love having him living with you, having him move in is leaving you worse off because the bills have gone up and you are subsidising him, so you think he ought to stop renting out his property and move back as soon as the tenants leave unless he wants to contribute more to your household, after all he is now a lot better off.

He is not doing you a favour because you have to pay the bills anyway. As a couple you had two Council tax bills so you paid one each, two electric bills so you paid one each etc. Now as a couple you have one Council tax bill so you should pay half each (I get him paying a bit less given your DCs but you get the gist).

Flaminglingos · 22/06/2018 17:35

Guess what he'll do to your kids if he marries you and inherits everything when you die. I'll bet my last penny that your kids won't get a single penny. Get rid of him, get a will drawn up naming your kids as your beneficiaries (you'll need to redo your will if you get married as marriage cancels out pree-existing wills) & please do the freedom programme.

People really need to do a blood line will to protect their children's assets particularly if they've remarried. Spouses inherit everything rather than children unless specifically named. It's quite common nowadays for the spouses not to be the biological parents of the children. Property should be bought as tenants in common rather than jointly. This way the parent can leave their share of the property to their children or other beneficiaries.

You need to go to CAB and have a chat about finances and legal rights. You need to be more financially savvy to protect your children. Partners come and go but your kids should always come first.

Juells · 22/06/2018 18:31

@

The OP rents, she doesn't own. But she's very kindly helping him buy a property his children will inherit.

Original poster
worthsolittle1 · 22/06/2018 20:10

All three live at home all older over 16. None work or pay me anything .
Partner has no child arrears doesn't owe his mum thousands or have an expensive car / mortgage in fact my house cost more than his bigger house because I need more room for my children this makes me reluctant to ask for more toward housing costs.
Thank you for all your input I know I need to bring up money with him I'm just unsure what is seen as fair to us all so will have a think work out figures then put my big girl pants on...

OP posts:
Lucked · 22/06/2018 20:18

Yes this is shocking. Not only does he save on outgoings and bills but he has the rent paid on his mortgage so a double increase in income for him. You are effectively paying his mortgage.

I suggest that you sit him down calmly state that the split in finances are very unfair and this will only work if bills are split more equally. honestly a lodger would pay you more.

Godowneasy · 22/06/2018 20:21

He wants to be your child not your partner.

Maybe your children should start contributing something too unless they're all in full time education...

MrsTorrence · 22/06/2018 20:33

He probably thinks you're too timid (for want of a better word) to say anything. I'll bet you your £150 a month that he sees his arse and argues with you.

Awrite · 22/06/2018 20:44

Even if he were willing to pay more, I couldn't respect or love such a cheap bastard who has treated me such utter contempt.

Not a single person thinks £150 is anywhere near a reasonable amount.

If you stay with him, he will find other ways to treat you with such disdain. And, in front of your children as well.

category12 · 22/06/2018 20:52

He needs to be contributing at least his share of council tax, utilities and grocery bills.

Teateaandmoretea · 22/06/2018 21:05

It's not that much, and all it takes is a big mortgage, an expensive car, a couple of luxury holidays that you think you can afford, and spending more cash that you have.. and there you go. The idea that it's a lot and you can splash is deadly

But surely that's the point you would have to be ridiculously bad with money to get into debt at that income level. I wouldn't touch someone who couldn't manage on 4.5k a month with a bargepole.

OP of course yanbu.

iamyourequal · 22/06/2018 21:17

Yanbu OP. I think you could do a lot better than this boyfriend, he sounds a complete sponger. I’d be asking him to move on....

Graphista · 22/06/2018 22:01

He's not just saving money living with you he's INCREASING HIS INCOME living with you

£150 Pcm
£34.62 per week (that wouldn't even cover food & utilities for my dd and I BET he eats more!)
£4.95 a DAY - less than a fiver op!

Get. Him. Gone!

You will be FAR better off not just financially

Homebird8 · 23/06/2018 00:48

As a bare minimum he needs to pay you:

1/5 of the rent
Plus the same as he was paying before in his own house for electricity, gas and water bills
Plus half of the council tax
Plus an agreed amount for food and other supermarket necessities (perhaps based on his payments over the past year taken from his bank statements or credit card bills)
Plus an equal amount to you for takeaways etc.

That way he saves on:
Mortgage as his share of the rent is less
Plus council tax as it will be less than he was paying before
Plus the income from renting his place out

You get a bit of help towards the rent and the council tax.
The bills and food etc would be just him paying his own share.

Even then it is not an arrangement of people in a committed relationship but more of the expectations of a lodger. Any less is a cocklodger. More shows respect of your relationship and home. Given the huge disparity in income his contribution should be much, much more.

Walkaboutwendy · 23/06/2018 03:11

Tough talk time. You are letting yourself be financially abused. In life there are always chancers who will take you for a mug if you let them. Don't be a victim to this man.

I suspect deep down you know he will walk if you refuse to let him leech off you, which is why you are avoiding confrontation. He knows it and you know it. He thinks you are too scared to call him on it and so will push your boundaries because he knows he can. In a nutshell he is scamming you.

The fact that you think asking another adult to pay their way is potentially grabby shows you've been manipulated. Question is are you going to let yourself continue to be taken advantage of or not?