AIBU & grabby?

[worthsolittle1]

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

It doesn't matter now if he agrees to pay more. He has shown you who he is. He is a man who takes the piss out of someone he is supposed to care for.
He's laughing all the way to the bank.
Get angry OP.

Please OP, do not ask him for more money.

Tell him the amount he must pay to stay. Then stonewall any discussion. Stonewall it. Just keep repeating that.

Your boyfriend is being very disrespectful towards you. He knows full well that he would not be able to find anywhere to live with everything provided for £150 per month. Tell him to contribute a realistic amount, more like £150 per week, or else he should take his £150 and go live elsewhere., He knows he’s taking unfair advantage of you.

Sorry, are you saying your children are all out of education and are not working and you’re supporting them as well?

Im all for helping children get on their feet but are they even looking for work?

Do you think that this might be part of the reason he thinks you are easily manipulated?

In a way OP, I don’t want to focus on the money (others have done that really well). I’m more concerned that you feel guilty about considering your own needs and wants. Have you been brought up to believe you should put everyone else first?

Another adult should not be telling you what is happening with regard to life changing decisions: I’m moving in; I’m paying x in rent. The conversation should be: I’d really like us to live together, as we’re at that stage in our relationship. Is it okay for me to move into your house?Let’s have a conversation about how much it’s fair for me to contribute, so that it’s a good deal for both of us and because it will cost you more in food, water (if you’re on a metre) household items like shower gel, washing tablets, electricity (for his washing, for appliances on when you’re out) etc.

It’s fair that you BENEFIT from the arrangement as much as he does but certainly that you’re not out of pocket!

No one should be telling you how things are going to be. A grown up decision should be a negotiation, with both sides having a say.

Also it sounds like your children aren’t really children any more and that they should be contributing too.

My now DH moved in with me and dd 10 years ago. He used to give £100 per week. And pay for all days/nights out/takeaways/clothes for me and dd.

That's why he is now dh.

£150 a month board and lodge sounds like something a parent would ask for from a grown child. Not from a partner. Especially when he ia earning so much more than you.

Please get rid of him op, he is completely using you

Why aren't your children working or in further education or training? Unless they have special educational needs and there are other provisions made for them.

You have a double problem here, a financially abusive partner and older dependent children. Your willingness to accommodate them has made you vulnerable and easy to exploit. In your shoes, I wouldn't ask him to contribute more, I would ask him to leave and end the relationship. To me, a line has been crossed and there is no going back. If I let him stay, he'd think he's won and will try something different in the future. Men like him need to be taught a lesson and that's to be kicked out.

Fuck working out what’s fair.
He sounds like a using piece of crap.
Just dump him, and save yourself the maths!

Op you need to get your DP to pay and also your children. Why are you paying for everyone's food?
are you scared they will leave if you say no? I think you could do with thinking about your own boundaries and what you will and will not accept in relationships. That can be very difficult and scary. It weeds out the CF though. I suspect your DP is a CF.
Really you should not have let him move in without having a financial conversation first and working this out.

@worthsolittle why do you have 3 dc over 16 that are looking at you to provide everything?

You sound as though you are used to being walked over and your boundaries are off.

Think of it in percentages OP. What percentage of your income is spent on rent, bills, food etc? You're supporting 3 grown up children and now this man child who is spending 10% (if that) of his income on essential living expenses.

You say you work full time, so even if you're only on minimum wage, that's a take of about £14k a year (which is not a lot, although I'm not figuring in any child credits/benefits/maintenance).

If his salary is three times that, however, that's more than £40k, which IS a lot.

You're being taken for an absolute mug here, I'm afraid

Bloody hell, I've just read the OP's follow up posts properly - she takes home about £1.5k a month, which equates to about £22k a year, which means his salary is in excess of £60k.

Jesus wept.

my house cost more than his bigger house because I need more room for my children this makes me reluctant to ask for more toward housing costs.

People aren’t suggesting you ask him to pay it all, or even half. Most people have suggested a fifth of the rent (for the rent portion of what you charge). Is a 5th less than he gets in rent for his house?

My DH moved in and we split the bills proportionally according to salary. I'm the higher earner so pay 2/3rds.
In your case he should be paying around 3/4s of the outgoings as he massively out earns you.

If he genuinely believes he only costs £150 a month (or actually, nothing at all since he said you would be that much better off!) no wonder he's fallen into debt. Another thought that has just occurred to me is that he may be, ahem, overstating his income, unless you've seen evidence of it.

I charged my unemployed son £150 a month, but after a few months he upped it voluntarily to £200 because he wanted to contribute fairly. I miss him since he moved for work, of course, but I don't miss £200 a month because it just broke even. It was about two-thirds of his entire income; the rest covered his own costs like clothes and outings. He also did his own laundry, his share of the washing up and more than his share of the cooking. I won't even ask if Mr Cocklodger intends to do at least half of the household chores; I'm not sure I could stand the shock if it turns out he does.

The thing is, even if it were true that him living there cost you £150 or less extra per month (and it isn’t). Why should you be the only one paying? Your logic that you’d be paying anyway doesn’t stand up because so would he.. if he didn’t move in with you he’d have to pay mortgage, tax, bills etc. So when you live together why is it that your outgoings continue as they were before, and his completely stop so that he can just spend on himself?

Can you work out the extra it would cost you like council tax if 2 adults are living there. Does that include his food? Yes he is taking the piss, some of the costs are fixed but most aren't and it seems to be all to his advantage that he lives with you.

Suggest to him that he finds a house-share somewhere locally, and that you continue as you are.

Have a look on local websites and see how much a house-share costs. That's what he'll have done before asking if he can move in with you.

This is how it's gone. He'll have thought "I'll rent out my house, do a house share, and be quids in. Ooooh, look at what a house-share costs. I don't want to pay that much. I know, I'll move in with worthsolittle and get her to do all my cooking and cleaning and buy all food."

Isn't it interesting that after 3 years as DPs the suggestion to move in together comes when it will suit him financially, but cost you money?

All three live at home all older over 16. None work or pay me anything . Why don't they work or pay you rent.

When I was 16/17 I was on a Youth Training Scheme back in the 80's and was getting £30 per week and used to give my parents £10 per week.

I still don't understand why he has so much debt that on £4500 per month is not enough to pay off, if his debt is that high then he needs to sell his house to pay it off, and start a fresh but not at the expense of living of you.

I wouldn't have thought £150 will cover the cost of him living there, let alone lower your costs (and surely it should be mutually beneficial).

As you rent I think you need landlord permission before another adult moves in. That may be a way to get him out.

Because you need to get him out.

Anyone who has run their own household & has kids would know FULL WELL that £150pm is an insult.

It's an insult. To your intelligence. To your relationship. To your wallet.

Personally, I'd work out what it's costing you for him to live with you. How much extra your bills are going up (compare food bill shops, meter readings, fuel costs). Then I'd see how much it costs to rent a single room+bills locally. Then compare all that to the £150 he's giving you and work out how to get him out.

This man is a cocklodger. He's taking advantage of you and he knows it.

Why are your adult children not contributing?

You are paying a high rent for I assume a big house for 4+ people on a low income.

They are all taking the piss with you!

I'd say look, I've been having a think and I think we should hold off moving in. I was hoping there would be some benefit to my lifestyle as well but £150 you won't even be paying your own way and tbqh I think it's a pisstake offer and am a bit shocked you even thought that would be acceptable. It's made me think twice about the whole thing. I'm not here to give you a free ride with fuck all in return

Hope that you're OK op, it must be tough reading all the comments Can you talk to a friend or family for support? I would prepare yourself for a break up once you start to set boundaries.