AIBU & grabby?

[worthsolittle1]

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

Bran the wanker has already got his feet under her table.

If he is living with you then half the rent, bills and grocery. If he was a decent bloke he’d offer to pay a bit more as he earns more

I don't know how the OP is managing at all to be honest. Feeding 5 adults plus her DPs DCs some of the time and paying rent on £1650 pm, doesn't leave much for other bills, transport etc. And that's before you get to anything that makes life worth living.

What are your DCs doing with themselves? Why aren't they working or studying and working part time?

I don't think you should ask him for more money.

I think you should ask tell him to leave.

@BarbaraofSeville, I've been thinking exactly the same thing.

I live in Scotland and I've never seen a three-bedroom house for rent for much less than about £900pcm, much less anything bigger, so I'm assuming the vast majority of the OP's wage goes on rent and CT (which, even with an SPD, will be quite significant for a house of that size).

This is quite a weird thread.

If I was a single adult, living where I do (which is not particularly fancy), my 'base costs' (rental/utilities/CT/travel/food) would probably be at least £800, so I'm genuinely puzzled at how one adult can support 3.5 adults on around £1.5k.

When I got the mortgage the mortgage advisor said to work out costs for food, council tax, insurance, utilities, hair cuts, the lot. I think he had a guide and it was £4000 for each person a year so that's £333 a month to start with. I don't think £500 a month from him would be out of order just for the basic costs never mind an element of rent and making your life easier. As isn't that why he's moving in - to make your life better, not worse?

Do you get to save for your own future or have money for treats yourself? Holidays, nice clothes etc? Or are you just funding everyone else? Time to think about yourself for once.

I know you want to ditch him. You probably love him and dont want to be alone. Nothing we can say can help you get self respect but please think about it. Try and be strong.

That shoukd say dont want to ditch him!

'He said he would give me £150 per month' should have been 'he asked if I was happy with him moving in and how much I wanted him to contribute to bills and I said XX amount'. The whole assumption that you would just be happy with it is wrong.

Op, I was in a similar position with my ex when he moved in.He had a previous marriage and I helped him "get back on his feet".I did it because I could as earned very well and we were a partnership.

However what everyone says about this being a massive Red Flag is correct.Marriage and dc later his selfish behaviour continued and despite now earning very well he fought for every penny in the divorce and tried to leave me in a dire financial position.
Your Partner is showing you what kind of man he is. You are probadly a kind thoughtful person (maybe a little naive) who hopes he will be decent.He isn't and he will show more of these selfish traits once you are commited.

Please please please OP, tell him he has to move out and rent elsewhere. You can't carry the load for four adults on your minimum wage job. You're being walked all over by everyone in your life, because you're allowing it. You're worth more than that.

Thank you all so much for the replys. It was hard reading that I'm being a bit of a mug yet again :( but some times you need to hear the honest truth.
I've yet to bring up the money issue or how I'm feeling about it all I want to get it clear what exactly I'm expecting asking for & my reasoning or maybe I'm just soft & putting off confrontation I'm not really sure.

I'm sure it's been hard to read some of the posts here OP but yes I think you are just putting it off. I would encourage you to get angry about his treatment of you, he's taking advantage of you massively.

Sit down for dinner with him, tell him this isn't working for you, for him to stay (if you even want him to) his contribution needs to be 50% of the household costs for rent, bills, ctax, food, insurance etc and to cover costs doe his children every other week. If he doesn't want to, you'll know exactly what he thinks of you, and he can go.

Try not to put it off for too long... the longer you leave it the harder it will be. He’s obviously got no grasp on basic finances or he wouldn’t be in so much debt in the first place. He’s lived beyond his (substantial) means and will continue to do so at your expense.

If you’re living together then everything should be equitable for both of you. Perhaps he should look at a debt management plan which would allow him to pay off his debts but still contribute approximately to living costs.

It shouldn’t be weighted in his favour because you have 3 DC at home (he knew this when he moved in) - it will balance out with his own DC being part of your family too.

*appropriately, not approximately

I feel really sorry for you OP -. You are being hugely taken advantage of here! This is not someone who is going to be an equal partner! He's using you to benefit himself from the start, and assuming that you'll just go along!

No matter what his silver tongue says about love or trust or building a life together... Listen to this, the best bit of advice I ever heard: people tell you who they are by what they DO, not what they SAY.

Please put a stop to this plan to save yourself much more heartache later. Be kind to yourself!

Tell him £150 A WEEK would be a better starting point. Cheeky fucker.

I'd ask him to leave; he's absolutely taking you for a mug.

OP you do realise he's offering £4.83 a day! You could barely keep a dog for that.

As I said before my own son is paying £400, and he's getting a bloody bargain.

Please find your anger with this freeloader.

Tell him you want a cut of the rent for his place.
Actually I would just kick him out

Come on op. Don't let someone treat you like this. It's appalling. Get angry, be pissed off that he thinks so little of you. Be embarrassed for him that he's such a tight wad he would try to live off a single Mum.

Find your anger and tell him it's not bloody on and to sort himself out. You can't go through life being walked over.

Write it down first if its easier. You need to make sure he pays his fair share. Plus I would start getting money from your children (assuming they are not all in FT education?).

Cocklodger