AIBU & grabby?

[worthsolittle1]

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

He's a Piss taker! You say no DC that live with him, are these debts at least partially child maintenance arrears?

My dd pays more than that! How much is it COSTING you to have him living there? How much have you lost from any benefits? How much has your council tax increased? How much (£) does he eat? How much (£) electric/gas does he use? Water? Toiletries? Extra cleaning products?

In addition

Is he be benefitting from your

Broadband, tv package?

What is he contributing in practical terms? What chores does he do?

"No he doesn't contribute in other ways we take iit in turns & buy the odd takeaway night out etc" Wtaf! So he's got you paying for takeaways AND nights out AND contributing NOTHING practically? Are you doing his laundry etc too???

My council tax is likely to go up £70 a month when dd turns 18, and that's bloody cheap! Room in a shared house here is £100 per WEEK. And THAT is cheap too, and doesn't inc food, toiletries, cleaning products...

"That's 5 pounds a day most months! Is he eating at home for breakfast, taking a sandwich, eating at home for dinner?" Excellent point!

The MINIMUM he needs to give you is

The increase in council tax - you definitely wouldn't 'still be paying that anyway'
Cover the loss of benefits
1/3 of the rent/mortgage
1/3 of the utilities (elec/gas/water/broadband/tv) - unless his usage is more than that
Cover the costs of HIS food, toiletries, inc in costs for cleaning products.

My first lodgings cost me £120 a month 30 YEARS AGO!

"What is the cost of renting a room in a house in your area? I bet he can’t rent a room for that much a month." Excellent point - rooms for rent where I am £100 a WEEK approx - cheap part of uk.

OMG - so he's expecting you to ALSO provide food/heat/light one day a week for his kids!!! MAJOR league piss taker extraordinaire! And he's on over £4000 a month - tell him to get tae fuck!!! How the FUCK he has debts I dread to think (if that's even true) on that salary!

He also sounds a lazy, entitled piece of shit!

"This is emotional and financial abuse" completely agree! DO NOT show him the thread - abusers who use one type of abuse when challenged can switch to other kinds, especially if it means they're losing their control!

Here's what you do:
Kick him out and dump him!
Get LOTS of therapy, preferably inc assertiveness training.
That will hopefully stop you falling for selfish, cocklodging twats!

I'm another one baffled about how he can be in debt on £4500. Has he gone through an expensive divorce or does he spend it all on treats for him? That's another reason I'd be worried about him living there, sounds like he has a poor understanding of money to suggest that £150 pm is a reasonable contribution for him living with you.

How much debt is he in and has he thought on what he plans to do afterwards.

Does he contribute to running your house - cooking, washing etc including extra work generated when his DCs stay. Unless you have a massive house, which I would have thought unlikely on £1500 pm, I'm also wondering where everyone sleeps when there's 8 of you there.

I genuinely don't understand why you wouldn't have discussed money before he moved in with you. He needs to be paying half of everything; I imagine your bills don't come to 300 a month so he's completely taking the piss. I hope you come back OP because there's so much good advice here.

OP, you sound like you hate confrontation. You let him move in with no discussion. You let him decide how much he’d pay with no discussion. You feel you’re being too grabby and don’t want to be mean.

I bet you’re petrified of having a conversation with him where you sit down and tell him that £150 isn’t fair when he’s earning 3 * your wage.

But you have to, because it just isn’t on and if you let him he’ll continue to take the piss, in other areas too.

Are his debts his mortgage?

How much rent is he getting? I’d be looking at that and asking for almost the same. He knows how much it is to live somewhere! His 3 kids eow will cost £150 in bills, food etc.

20 years ago a work colleague moved in for a few months whilst between houses. They gave me £200 per month and sorted their own food.

He is taking the proverbial.

He will dump you and the kids once he gets himself sorted, and you will be washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking and fucking him for the princely sum of £150 PCM

He's laughing.

Have you posted this before?

Why didn't you talk this all through before he moved in. If you're the same poster as before why did you let him move in?.

Wouldn't we all love to live for £150 a month but in the real world...

So this entitled man lodger has found himself somewhere to live for £150 a month rent including all bills? Yet earns over £4000 a month and owns his own house which he's also getting an income from renting out?
When a couple make a commitment to move in together at the very least rent and bills should be split 50/50 unless one isn't working. But if one half of the couple is a high earner id expect them to contribute the lions share?
This guy is taking the mick big time and he knows it! You need a chat but surely he's already shown you what your relationship will be like going forward?
Im not sure he's a great prospect OP

Come on op- is this all you are worth? You're setting the bar extremely low here and if this is an indication of your future then I would put a stop to it now.

Presuming he is going to be costing money to live there, what is his presence and expense causes your own dc to go without in some way? That isn't fair.

If he's a masterchef who is going to cook for you all every night, a whizz between the sheets and a male version of Kim and Aggie then I would think that would go some way towards his "keep"

Assuming he isn't then he's taking you for a ride. And you're letting him.

Did you actually have a conversation about this before he moved in or did he move in and then you had the conversation? Is it a temporary measure for a few months for him to get back on his feet? Will he move out again when he’s cleared his debts? Did he suggest the £150pm or you?
Time to sit him down and have a proper chat. First though you need to check all payments and benefits you receive. Do you lose child benefit as he earns over £40,000, do you have to be married to lose this, you need to check this? Council tax benefits etc. Are you hoping to just not mention this to people like council and child benefit people and hope they don’t find out, do you want that stress? So bring it up from this point of view, you didn’t think of it before but you are going to lose some payments, he needs to at least cover this. He also needs to realise that food and increased use of water etc comes to more than £150 a month, this needs to be a week (added to your loss of benefits). Will you need to feed and house his 3 kids when they come? How often do they come? You need £100 a month for this increase in food, assuming they come once a week or so.
Bring it up that this has happened in a previous relationship and you can’t let it happen again, if he’s a good man he will understand, if he has a strop he’s not worth keeping. Good luck.

Did you have another thread about this? It seems familiar though I thought that OP ended up quite pissed off that her prospective cocklodger thought so little of her and her family.

Either way, yes, he is taking the piss and will end up costing you money. Either have a talk with him, with the bills, and explain that he'll be making a fair contribution, whether that's based on the amount of the bills or on proportion of income, or move him back out again.

Wow, if it's a temporary thing until his debts are paid off then I think that's fine but it really doesn't sound like it.

My ex did something similar to me and basically said because I was paying everything anyway it shouldn't change. He had it bloody easy, needless to say it didn't even last a year.

Throw him out and end the relationship. There is no benefit to you in being with a man who holds you in such contempt.

And then do something like the Freedom Programme before you start dating again. By the sound of it this dick isn't the first abusive partner you have had, and so your dickhead detector isn't working properly - you clearly think you should be grateful and accept any amount of abuse just to have A Man In Your Life.

I haven't read all of of this but I dont think 150 is really enough I assume you'll be losing out on other benefits. Has he talked about what the plan is once he has cleared his debt?

What are you going to do worthsolittle1, really?

Your user name , is it what you feel and if so why is he being allowed to treat you like shit?

I don't think I've ever seen such unanimity on an MN thread.

YANBU, he is. Cocklodging tightwad.

Did you discuss him moving in first or was this something he decided to do irrespective of your feelings on the matter?

He is sharing your house so needs to share costs. £150 a month is way too little, you need 5 times that at keast
He needs to pay a fair share of the rent. 30 - 50%.
50% of council tax
50% of utility bills
Large contribution to grocery bill, especially if you are feeding his kids EOW.
He needs to take his share of chores and childcare too.

If you don't feel you can ask for this then you have a cocklodger.

*least dammit

Speechless. Ged rid. Wow just shows how much he respects you doesn't it.

Find a listing of local rooms to rent and give it him...

Thank you so much all for taking the time to read & reply
I'm not really sure how to bring the conversation up with him tbh.
I don't know how he arrived at £150 he's offered to pay
Even all bills rent council tax split 5 ways = me paying for 3 kids plus me him just paying for himself doesn't add up food is an extra cost on top
When he said he'd give me £150 he said look your be £150 better off now with me living here .
Without him living here I'd pay out what I'm paying now. so I think he's sees the £150 as doing me a favour and I now have extra money to spend which I don't even after paying for the extra food.

Will try and answer a few of the questions.

£150 is for everything I buy food all bills in my name.
His mortgage is cheaper than my rent
No arrears for csa & pays still
No loss of benefits for myself

Surely you start off with ‘I’ve looked at my budget and it’s going to cost me x more per month with you living here, so in fact I’m worse off’

If you really believe he has no idea, sit him down and take him through the extra costs in an accountant like manner

If you wanted to be truthful you could ask him to explain how this situation differs from the one where you were taken advantage of before.