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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU & grabby?

298 replies

worthsolittle1 · 21/06/2018 20:37

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 21/06/2018 21:43

Did you decide he was moving in, or was the decision made for you?

XiCi · 21/06/2018 21:44

Holy shit. I was paying more than that to my parents 25 years ago when I had just finished Uni and was on benefits! I guarantee that he will leave as soon as he is back on his feet, he sounds like an absolute piss taker. Why on earth did you just let him move in and dictate the terms?

StaplesCorner · 21/06/2018 21:44

So basically you are now in the same situation that you were with a previous partner? How could anyone think that £150 a month was ok.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 21/06/2018 21:45

But a single man with no dependent children who can run up debts on those sort of earnings doesn't sounds like a man who is sensible with money to any degree.

He does have 3 kids it seems, but I completely agree with you. It doesn't sound like a catch on any level.

The OP is putting herself in a worrying situation, I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth is NOT what anyone should feel when you are just at the moving-in together stage (or ever)!

KatharinaRosalie · 21/06/2018 21:49

His 3 children can come stay EOW - and who pays for those extra costs I wonder?

BewareOfDragons · 21/06/2018 21:53

He's hit it lucky, hasn't he!
Wow!
£150 a month while he pays off his debts and you support him and his visiting children.

Frankly, you're nuts. I'd get him back out .

Unhurried · 21/06/2018 21:54

Re-read your original post as if written by another mumsnetter. You would in no way see this as a fair contribution would you.
Sorry sweetie, but he is taking advantage big time. Most unfair of him

Thebluedog · 21/06/2018 21:54

I’m sorry but that’s seriously taking the piss. When my now dh moved in with me he paid me £800 a month and bought all the food for the family (I have 2 dc) which amounts to about £500 a month. So I’m total he used to pay me £1300 a month. He earnt good money but that covered his half of the bills and also what he classed as rent. I earnt slightly less than him, and as you, I was taking but I didn’t have masses left over each month. I was considerably better off when he moved in as, IMO, should be the case

Yours sounds like a cocklodger tbh

sallythesheep73 · 21/06/2018 22:00

I would ask him to leave and find yourself a more reasonable lodger.

allthatmalarkey · 21/06/2018 22:03

Given what he earns, I don't think you're entitled to child benefit with him living with you - you will lose more than he's paying. And he's getting rental income on top. And this has happened to you before. So sorry, OP, but you're going to have to be brave and find out if he's really all he seems or just a user.

quizqueen · 21/06/2018 22:04

You could rent out a room for about £100 a week and your lodger would have to provide his/her own meals, do own washing etc. so, I think, even £150 a week 'all in' is getting it cheap. £150 a month is a laugh. You will have to pay full council tax now as two adults are residing and he's paying none. I expect you are providing all his meals too and doing his washing etc. He's met a right fool, hasn't he!!!

Troels · 21/06/2018 22:08

By trying to appear cool and not grabby, you have ended up with a major piss taker. He's not payig his share, he's giving you the pleasure of paying his way for him.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2018 22:09

Are you actually losing benefits as a result of him living with you?

sallythesheep73 · 21/06/2018 22:10

Hang on you earn £1500 per month and he earns £4500 per month and he is going to contribute £150 per month to the running of the household???

You are not being grabby but I'm afraid you are being a mug.

So the way to go about this fairly: add up all the household bills (excluding the cost of your kids) e.g. food for you and him, mortgage / rent, TV licence, internet, gas & elec etc). Say for example this comes to £1000 (I'm guessing here).
Then your total monthly income = add your income and his income together = 1500 + 4500 = 6000 per month.
Then divide your shared costs by your total income = 1000 / 6000 = 17%.
Then you both pay this % (in this case 17%) of your income for the shared bills. So you would pay 0.17 x 1500 = £250 and he pays 0.17 x 4500 = £765.
This leaves you with £1250 per month to spend on yourself, your kids and for savings and him with £3735 to spend on himself, his kids and pay off his debts.

This is what I consider 'fair'. In fact this is the model my husband and I adopted when we moved in together. It allows for you to earn different amounts and no one gets 'shafted'.

If he doesn't agree tell him to fnck off :-)

LagunaBubbles · 21/06/2018 22:14

I'm not being funny OP but you have some serious issues if you think you're being grabby.

Amyerda · 21/06/2018 22:22

CF/cocklodger!!! You're being royally exploited and he knows it. .

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/06/2018 22:28

I really wish there were lessons about this sort of thing in school. Teaching teenagers how not to be taken for a mug in relationships. How to work out what’s fair in finances. I can’t believe an adult, mother of 3 let a man move into her home without even asking him for any money beforehand.

choli · 21/06/2018 22:28

Where do Mumsnetters meet these men? It's like reading the same story over and over again. I think schools need to start teaching classes about recognizing toxic relationships and how to know when you are being used. It looks like the lessons learned from family are sadly lacking.

choli · 21/06/2018 22:29

Oops sorry for the cross post!

LeighaJ · 21/06/2018 22:32

My BIL pays twice that much to live with his Mum, which is considered a bargain.

Ghostontoast · 21/06/2018 22:32

This guy is massively taking for a ride financially. He must have an A* in 'cheeky cocklodging studies' from Cocklodgers' College to be so brazen about it!

Ghostontoast · 21/06/2018 22:32

taking you

CurlyTwirlyTwos · 21/06/2018 22:32

You should not be subsidising him, so he can sort out HIS debts.

Hope you work this out OP.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/06/2018 22:34

Grin choli!

gamerchick · 21/06/2018 22:39

I'm sure I read a thread recently about this exact same scenario but it was before he moved in and he was hinting because he was about to lose his house and needed to rent it out but didn't want to pay his way Confused