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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU & grabby?

298 replies

worthsolittle1 · 21/06/2018 20:37

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 21/06/2018 21:18

You are being used again, by another cheeky fucker!
How much does he contribute to the children he has?
Wise up and ship him out

HollowTalk · 21/06/2018 21:19

You know what, I wouldn't even give this fucker a day's notice. I'd have his bags packed right now.

Can't you see he's taking advantage of you?

And every penny he's costing you is coming away from your own children! Have some sense, OP!

category12 · 21/06/2018 21:19

What do you mean "he just moved in" - did you ask him to move in?

Passingwords · 21/06/2018 21:20

OP you need to work on your self esteem and change your user name for a start. It's you who thinks you are only worth £150 a month which is why he's getting away with it and you feel grabby asking for more. He's no good for you financially or emotionally. dump him. You would be better off on your own than have an extra £150 a month with him. Is he a gambler? Keep his name off everything in case he gambles your house away and you are repossessed and got false credit card debt coming out your ears that you have to prove aren't yours. Watch out & Get him out - pronto

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 21/06/2018 21:21

So this guy earns over £4,500 A MONTH and he's got debts???

couldn't agree more that the man is a CF of the highest order,
but you can go into debts with any income, and if you think that £4,500 a month is a lot of money, you will end up in debts very quickly!

It's not that much, and all it takes is a big mortgage, an expensive car, a couple of luxury holidays that you think you can afford, and spending more cash that you have.. and there you go. The idea that it's a lot and you can splash is deadly

incywincybitofa · 21/06/2018 21:21

@worthsolittle1 OK so why do you think £150 a month is unreasonable?

I think it is, but what is making you doubt his obviously sincere and genuine offer
He doesn't have to contribute to the cost of your children, but likewise you all shouldn't have to compromise your lifestyle to subsidise him

Godowneasy · 21/06/2018 21:21

Have you asked him what he thinks this £150 a month covers?

I expect you'll also end up paying all the associated costs to do with his children visiting EOW.

He's taking massive advantage of you and is probably aware that you'll feel 'grabby' asking for more. Surprise him- tell him you thought he meant £150 a week! Honestly, that's a fairer amount.

Incidentally,how much debt does he have and how did he incur it?

isseywithcats · 21/06/2018 21:23

blimey he thinks hes got it good i earn a lot less than my partner but out of around £700 a month wages for me i put in around £300 a month food buying, and we go halves on treats like nights out and holidays

Justmuddlingalong · 21/06/2018 21:23

So. Are you going to have the conversation with him? He moved in and told you how much he would pay. Now, what are you going to say to him? Knowing full well you are in the right, of course.

Leeds2 · 21/06/2018 21:23

Are you paying for his food, and food for his children, when they visit eow?
And remember that your bills will be higher with him, and his children, there. Things like electricity and gas will be more than they would've been if he/they weren't there.

Armchairanarchist · 21/06/2018 21:23

A month!! He's taking the piss. You're not his mum.

GettingBackToMe · 21/06/2018 21:27

Con man, definitely. I gave my Mum more housekeeping than this, over 20 years ago! He needs to pay much more if he stays, but frankly I'd get rid of him - someone that cheeky doesn't have your best interests at heart. Even if you just worked out the cost of extra bills for phone/water/council tax/electricity as a result of having an extra adult in the house having baths and charging laptops, before you even get to food and toiletries etc, he is taking the mick. And on top of that you and your kids have less space of your own in your home than you used to, as well as being out of pocket. Moving in together should have benefits for BOTH of you, not just him.

WerkSupp · 21/06/2018 21:27

He acts like he is doing you a favour by leeching off you to pay his debts. He's giving you £150/month. He isn't paying for your kids, he isn't even paying for himself. You are paying off his debts. You really need to work on your self-esteem.

QueenUnicorn · 21/06/2018 21:29

It really depends on what he will contribute.
Will he do his own grocery / toiletry shopping?
Will he make purchases for the home - appliances etc?
Will he contribute to the bills, gas, electric etc?

If he plans on getting all of the above included for £150 a month then I would honestly end the relationship. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone that could take from my family. However if he plans to contribute in other ways and the £150 is on top then that seems fairer.

BlondeSea · 21/06/2018 21:30

Just say sorry you can't afford for him to move in. It's a laughable offer.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 21/06/2018 21:30

the simple fact that a man doesn't immediately assume to do 50/50 at the very least would make me run a mile. It's not right, and when it makes you feel bad OP, it really means you have to stop this.

Godowneasy · 21/06/2018 21:30

Also.... how much does it cost to rent a room in your area?

And, £150 a month works out at £34.61 a week, not £37.50 as others have said.

He's a cheeky fucker and his proposal is very disrespectful to you.

Are you going to talk to him about it? We'll help you discuss it with him. Just start by asking him what he thinks £150 a month will cover... and then get back to us.

Travis1 · 21/06/2018 21:32

Please don’t let this man use you OP. You have to break the cycle. I’m actually quite sad that you can’t even see how ridiculous this man is being.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/06/2018 21:35

YANB grabby to want more than 150 a month. It doesn't really matter if you're not losing out more financially (though an extra person might well cost you more with additional council tax, hot water, heating and wear and tear). It's that you aren't simply something for him to use to his advantage. Things should be affordable for you both but also mutually beneficial, not very one-sided.

Okokiknow · 21/06/2018 21:36

I paid 3 times that at 18 to my parents. Plus i.bought my own food. Had to oay for travel. Cook for the family, look after younger kids and take them to their after school clubs. He ia a cf

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/06/2018 21:36

You're right, Ikeepafork and I didn't really mean to insinuate that nobody earning that kind of money couldn't possibly be in debt! But a single man with no dependent children who can run up debts on those sort of earnings doesn't sounds like a man who is sensible with money to any degree. He could have cut back on the putative holidays, got a smaller car, downsized the house, if he's not got kids to keep in the equation. The fact he didn't seem to make any attempt to do any of those things and that his answer is to 'rent out the house' tells me that he's either not very good with money or he's a CF near the top of the rankings.

C0untDucku1a · 21/06/2018 21:37

Bloody hell. No. Thats not a reasonable amount. Telling you he was moving in also wanst reasonable.

Do you know for definite what he earns?
How is he is bad debt? Is his house way more than he can afford on his salary? Are you expecting to kove in to his home at some
Point?

Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2018 21:38

I don't know what you spend on food but I am guessing he may be eating 150 worth of food a month right off the bat.

That's 5 pounds a day most months! Is he eating at home for breakfast, taking a sandwich, eating at home for dinner?

(I am sure I eat a lot more than that, but then I am greedy!).

bimbobaggins · 21/06/2018 21:39

Why the hell did you not discuss this before you decided he would live with you

brizzledrizzle · 21/06/2018 21:43

£150 isn't enough, for starters you've lost the single adult council tax discount and your tax credits will have gone down. He needs to pay 50% of the bills for the house.
Did you ask him to move in with you or did he tell you?

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