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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU & grabby?

298 replies

worthsolittle1 · 21/06/2018 20:37

First post so may be a bit long I've been with my partner for over 3 years and i have 3 children he has none that live with him.
He has recently rented out his house to help pay off his debts quicker moved in with us & said he will pay me £150.
I work full time earn 3 times less than him I'm not broke but neither am I rolling in money I feel a little sad that that's all he thinks I'm worth I think I'm being a little unreasonable as I'd still have all my bills to pay if he wasn't living here.

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt promised marriage and strung me along till everything was in my name then went off with another woman. I don't want to be a mug again but neither do I want to come across as money grabbing :(

OP posts:
LuMarie · 21/06/2018 22:42

No, no, no, that's not enough at all. I paid twice that a month fifteen years ago when I staying with my parents and just wanted to "chip in" a bit because of the costs of having me there and respect that is was their house, with all the costs that come with it! It's more that just mortgage every month or bills, it's all the tax you paid, it's the fees for everything, the responsibility to deal with it all.

That was £300 just an amount to be respectful because they didn't want to take rent or anything much from me so i said, ok how about this small amount and I'll just send it to a savings account, you can use it whenever, even if it's to bail me out one day:) Ten years ago!

I would be very uncomfortable with that amount. It's not grabby, it's respect. That isn't enough to rent a room for a week, never mind bills and other costs.

I hate when people take financial advantage, it's not even about the money, it's just so disrespectful.

choli · 21/06/2018 23:05

It makes me sad. When I was younger I thought there was nothing more pathetic than the Cinderella type of woman waiting for a man with money to rescue her from the drudgery of earning a living. Now I think it's even more pathetic to let yourself be taken advantage of by a man just to have a "partner".

CrazyOldBagLady · 21/06/2018 23:22

I paid my parents more than that to live in their spare bedroom 10 years ago!

Merryoldgoat · 21/06/2018 23:27

FFS OP - he’s taking advantage of you massively.

I’d be showing him the door - frankly the fact he even thought that he could get away with it would be enough to put me off him.

spudlet7 · 21/06/2018 23:34

£150 per month?! The CF!!! That doesn't include food, surely? I paid my parents more than that when I was 18/19 living at home working part time. That was 15 years ago so I'm sure it would be more now.

Please don't accept this. He's earning a lot of money AND renting his flat out. Why should he be the only one who benefits from him living with you?!

spudlet7 · 21/06/2018 23:35

In fact, I'd go so far as to suggest you just get rid. He must be an arse to even suggest £150 per month. He's taking advantage big time.

RailReplacementBusService · 21/06/2018 23:39

What a disrespectful man child. Total cock lodger territory. Tell him to pay up or ship out.

GreenTulips · 21/06/2018 23:45

Why didn't you have the conversation?

Surely you would've worked out what it would cost you to have home there?

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/06/2018 23:48

I had an ex who used me to pay off debt

Can you see history repeating itself?

Don't be fooled for a second time.

Durianfruit · 21/06/2018 23:54

OP, did this leech, you know, ask you if he could move in? Or assume you’d be thrilled to subsidise his life? Hmm

fuzzywuzzy · 21/06/2018 23:58

You lose single persons discount on your council tax.

Your food, gas, electricity bills all go up water too if you’re on a meter.

Presumably you help him with childcare for his kids when they visit?

He generates extra housework, doesn’t he do any?

Why are you making excuses for him? Do you really think his outgoings were he to live alone be £150 per month only?

Yes you are wilfully accepting being treated like a doormat.

Cocklodger. I’d get rid.

trojanpony · 22/06/2018 00:08

When I earned 16k gross 10+ years ago I paid my mum more than that to share a room with a sibling

This man is a disgrace, you need better boundaries

kmmr · 22/06/2018 00:11

The argument that you are already paying the bills is not fair. Yes, you were doing what you had to, as was he before he moved in, but now he has a big advantage as a result of moving in with you. Less costs plus more income.

Your situation is now more costs and more obligations. I'd tell him that as you are now a team the benefits of the decision need to be shared. You should be better off, just like he is. So he should contribute all his costs and then more so both of you are better off.

Comparing it to renting rates isn't quite the right approach imo. He isn't renting, he's moving in with a partner, so the thing should be more about how do we both share this saving fairly between us.

I wouldn't go in with a list of your costs or impact on council tax etc - or you could end up with him agreeing to cover exactly his costs, which actually isn't fair. If you want to calculate ask him how much his costs have reduced (and income increased) and say that should be shared. But it would be nicer if he just agreed a fair contribution.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 22/06/2018 00:17

NO way. Get him out. No one pays £150 a month, even my parents charged more when I was 18. Come on. You do deserve more than this..... you deserve a man not in debt who can help improve your quality of life. Start as you mean to go on. Get him out....... Best excuse is the landlord.... i am sure you can come up with more. Love the expression cocklodger. Now you have one!!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 22/06/2018 00:22

Have you posted about this before?
Sounds familiar, and the previous OP was also looking after his kids for him on 'his weekends'.

The previous OP was advised to LTB.

Orangecake123 · 22/06/2018 00:26

Can I move in?

Sorry but he's taking the piss. That's incredibly cheap and he knows it and he gets food and sex on top! Ask for the back dated payments and raise the amount.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 22/06/2018 00:34

Please tell us you're going to do something about this CF and make him pay half of all bills and food? (Or move out). Letting him get away with paying £150 is a joke...at your expense.

Flaminglingos · 22/06/2018 04:51

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This is emotional and financial abuse and I think you know this already. Put your big girl pants on and end the relationship and do the freedom programme linked to above. Don't date anybody until you've done this as it'll help you recognise red flags before you get too involved. This man is not a partner, he's a user and he's quite happy to financially abuse you to get himself out of debt.

KC225 · 22/06/2018 05:15

Op you need to show him this thread. You have not been 'mean' about him (no pun intended), you stated facts and asked if you were being unreasonable. YOU ARE NOT. He is using you. Stop this from happening. Show him the thread, show him the door.

flumpybear · 22/06/2018 05:24

He earns not far off what I earn and I'd be embarrassed to suggest £150 per month! .... per week yes perhaps to help get out of debt, (albeit that's still very low!) not per month

Skittlesandbeer · 22/06/2018 05:27

Tell him you misheard him, thought he obviously meant £150 per week. Never dreamed he could have meant per month.

But that you’ll stick by the deal you thought you were making, £150 per week. Or he can go looking for a bed elsewhere. He’ll soon be back, he’s unlikely to find a better deal.

Feel free to add that the ruder he is to you, the more your weekly price rises. Sheeesh!

Scrumptiousbears · 22/06/2018 05:37

Where I live to rent a room is over £100 a week and that doesn't include food.

Coyoacan · 22/06/2018 05:56

Whao, I live in Mexico, where wages are peanuts and that money wouldn't rent me a boarding-house room in a bad part of town.

This one is not a keeper, OP, ask him to move out and drop him. Can't be doing with cheapskates.

StepBackNow · 22/06/2018 05:57

He's taking you for a mug.

BarbaraofSevillle · 22/06/2018 05:58

If he's earning £4500 pm you'll lose child benefit, assuming your DCs are in education not adults themselves.

So he needs to cover that, plus loss of single persons council tax discount, again assuming none of your DCs are working adults. We're probably up to £150 pm already.

Then there's his food costs - most men I know eat a lot more than women and expect a lot of meat, won't eat cheaper meals like baked potatoes, omelettes or beans on toast, so that will be quite a lot too. Plus costs for his DCs when they're here.

Something towards the extra gas, electricity, water with more people showering, more washing etc.

He would be getting a good deal if he gave you £150 per week and someone is being unreasonable and grabby, but it's not you.