It's a summer childcare one! Furious

[Nicpem1982]

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

Excellent update

Well that's what I get for posting epic posts - xposting with the OP as she explains what her matching comment is about.

Cunning plan - he won't do the first one, so you won't have to do any either.

I'd tell him what BarbarianMum mentioned but I'd also include informing him if he's more than an hour late SS and the Police will be called to collect his daughter.

Having SS on radar and possible time wasting complaint by the police may keep him in line.

So you’ll mind her every second Monday?

Thumb witches - yes I will tell him that he needs to do one Monday and I'll do the next, it makes perfect sense because he will never do this so it ends the issue without causing me problems or making me look unreasonable with my pils.

I will not be making this mils problem that's really unfair on her she does alot of childcare for me and bil actually and I'm incredibly grateful and don't want to rock that boat.

Fair enough - but one might think that she would have some influence over her son and pull him into line re. taking the piss and caring for his own daughter.

Madmags - I won't have to he won't take the first Monday

Good solution OP, puts the ball firmly in his/his family's court.

They're having their own issues with him I won't add to it

if we agree to one day a week now he knows I'm off he just won't pick her up and be uncontactable.

Exactly what I was thinking. I like your matching Monday's suggestion, but you do need a solid plan for what happens if he just doesn't collect her.

Good solution.

What makes you so sure he won’t agree though?!

Also; do you mean forever? For the whole summer?

That’s such a good idea, completely reasonable and will annoy him no end.

Also! What happens if he agrees for next week and then on your turn just doesn’t pick her up?!

Good solution as long as you're SURE he won't do it – I would be nervous about him doing his, then just not collecting her on your week, as a PP says.

Again, fair enough Nicpem.
Sad situation.

Well there's 2 bank hols so they're not included so it works out to 2 each.

He won't agree my dd is nearly 4 and he's never even offered to take her to the park

Ah gotcha! I think it’s a good plan!

A few questions -
Who looks after DN normally?
Why is your DN so 'handsy'?
How did BIL find out you had three weeks leave?

I am concerned about this child's welfare outside of the three weeks her father has proposed to drop her off with you.

He doesn't pay for any activities, etc,. for her over the summer - what about after school? What is his hobby and how much does it cost?

And dumping a child - even with family this is not on. Does he do this with other caregivers?

Normally it's a mix of 2 sets of grandparents and us

She's always been handsy even before her mom

Mil and fil do alot of childcare for us and has mentioned that I'm off in passing

She has activities outside school in term time

I'd rather not say his hobby and costs I don't know

I would say no to any child care now
It’s too much trouble already
She doesn’t get on with your DD
He isn’t reliable
He has made derogatory remarks
He’s ungrateful
He expects you to tow the line
Fuck him , let him sought it out himself

All children are inclined to be a bit aggressive at age two, but loving care and intervention make them grow out of that by 6. If she is being aggressive with a younger child, and sly about it, something is wrong.

I would be very concerned.

I’m fascinated by the people saying you should do it for your dn, even though her father is being a twat.

I’ve been in a similar situation before, and actually you can’t make the difference everyone imagines you can, you can’t be the miraculous stabilising influence people think you can be. Because her actual parent isn’t stepping up and is passing her from pillar to post, the best thing is to be involved as little as possible. If it were a situation where he was trying his best, it would be different, but he isn’t. His situation is sad, but it doesn’t mean you have to pick up the pieces at the expense of your own life.

You won’t be doing the right thing by your own child by subjecting them to the behaviour you describe from dn, and you cannot replace her mother or parent here as she needs. And it simply isn’t your responsibility is it.

I know you probably can't for many reasons, but I'd want to move her into my house and have her see her dad once a week, not the other way round

Yeah, I'd probably do this.

So what happens if MIL offers to do BIL's Monday childcare days? Just say that you don't want to do it if that's how you feel.

And why didn't op's dh just tell BIL that his dw wouldn't be doing any more childcare at the time?