It's a summer childcare one! Furious

[Nicpem1982]

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

Can I just say in dn defence, my ds lost his dad when he’d just turned 3 he was very angry for a couple of years and probably would be what people call “handsy” (Northern Ireland no support for a traumatised child at all). God knows what could have happened if it wasn’t for a supportive family behind him.

Werk- he's not particularly local to me so if he turns up hell want to know she's gotten in before he drives off. He's likely to call my mobile, ring the bell and knock the door all of which I can ignore as the living room is on the back of my house and I don't have a car

Meant to say bil sounds like a real cheeky fucker

Ilovegin- were still going to spend time with dn through mil and be there and support her but I just can't have the emotional load of looking after her for days on end not knowing for sure when bil will turn up.

Sorry I totally understand that

BIL needs to be sat down and told exactly how he's failing his daughter, every single thing and no punches pulled. He's got to face that, mourning for his wife or not, his first responsibility is to his daughter who is missing her mum and has no reliable parent in her place.

Then he needs to hear that fathers can and do make fantastic parents, even if the mother is gone, by themselves they are able to make unbelievable relationships with their children which are far more lasting and sayisfying than hobbies. He needs to know that HE can do that. That HE can make or break his daughter, that HE is capable of making her an extraordinary human being if he wants to, but he HAS to put her first in his life.

Loooong serious talk.

Totally understand that op x Good luck and your dh sounds brilliant!

JUX that was absolutely brilliant!!! and SO totally the right thing to do, if all the family can get together and agree on this, - and have a go at it. (the whole thing, not him). Very, very well said! I just wonder, however, if he was a "no-hands-on" dad in the beginning anyway when the mother was still alive, given that he believes wives should be "kept in line", and "sorted out" which are both very sinister thoughts. But he may be floundering, and if the family could try this, it might turn out to be a positive outcome for both the poor little girl, and him. OP What was he like as a dad, before he lost his partner? That could be quite revealing? Good luck to all of you xx

I doubt a talk would have any effect on him.

User we didn't see them much there was and still is alot of 'for face book' by both parents.

I don't think a big family intervention type talk will make a difference

Then you and DH should consider calling Social Services, and/or calling DN's school to report the neglect.

I swear to god who do these guys think they are using that kind of language?? My DP best friend said that to him once and told me jokingly.... When I saw him I told him the only line he should worry about is the on around his body after I kill him if he ever said anything like that again... The cf!!! Tell him to do one and enjoy your well-earned break with your children.

I’d speak direct to Bil and tell him that you’re not a slave; your leave is your annual leave that you’ve accrued. As for him telling your husband to “get you in line” and “sort you out”, that’s absolutely outrageous. I would make my feelings very clear to him next time I saw him! I wouldn’t mince my words either and I wouldn’t give a toss who was around either. I’m sure everyone would back you.
The problem is that if you cancel the one day a week arrangement, it’s your DN who feels let down and punished, if her father's mentioned it to her already. I can’t see he’d let her know tactfully; more like make you seem the wicked witch.
I’ve experienced exactly the same problem from another mother at my DD’s school. Fortunately my brain was in gear for a change and I simply said that we were away for x weeks and the rest of the time old made arrangements to see friends! She expected me to do it for free and drop them off at 7am every morning and pick them up at 6pm. We don’t work like that during holidays. We tend to get up slowly and live in our pj’s until around 10ish.
Tell him to sod off the rest of the time and to remember that next year you won’t be available at all. You’re too busy!

Def withdraw the offer and explain you don’t like being taken advantage of and now being spoken about like that. Get you in line?! As if.

Or as pp poster above said carry on with arrangements then have a quiet vicious word with him about what he said ie STFU.

I want to be nosy and ask what he [bil] said back to your DH when DH told him.