Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
zzzzz · 21/06/2018 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2018 18:09

I will tell him that he needs to do one Monday and I'll do the next, it makes perfect sense because he will never do this so it ends the issue without causing me problems or making me look unreasonable with my pils

Actually that's a pretty smart idea, especially if you add that it will help DN to see the family

Trouble is, if he wants to get out of doing even the first one he'll probably invent an "emergency", promising that he really will do the next ... are you still prepared to say no if that happens?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 18:23

Ill be going to work on his Mondays

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 21/06/2018 18:37

I think if he agrees to your plan, @mothie is spot on that he’ll absolutely just drop them both with MIL about 2 minutes into his Monday, so you’ll have to come up with a way to circumvent that.

Honestly, I would just say “no,” period, and not put your daughter through spending time around someone who tries to hit and kick her, especially as you say it isn’t new behavior and DN acted like that before losing her mum. You’ve helped him out, you’ve been more than kind, and it’s okay to step back without trying to find some solution (the Mondays) that he’ll just cheeky fucker his way through.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2018 18:42

Ill be going to work on his Mondays

Very wise Wink

user1andonly · 21/06/2018 22:36

Yes, you will have to make sure mil has other plans on his Mondays as he will go there and either pop out for several hours or sit and read the paper while mil does the childcare.

Aspichick · 22/06/2018 17:32

Just say when you want to have her. Send him a list of dates you can accommodate his childcare and tell him he will have to make arrangements for the rest. As I expect you like having her around - and it’s not her fault she has a knob Head dad. (He is a cheeky sod & I would be furious)

user1483875094 · 22/06/2018 17:35

Are you mad, Grump?? .. "Can he child mind in return?" I would NEVER leave my child with a man like him! Clearly unreliable, rude, and with an absolutely APPALLING attitude towards women! Did you READ op comments... "he should get me in line " and "Hes challenged dh last night" (challenged him???? wtf??) He can use his OWN holiday from work, to look after his OWN daughter, not carry on working, and saving his holiday for HIMSELF, and not DEMAND (not ask nicely) that OP should use HER holiday child-minding for free! Try reading it all first. Yes, very sad indeed that his partner has died, but that does NOT make it other peoples' "responsibility" when he appears to take NO responsibility and if you had read the OP posts properly, you will have been able to read that he SNEAKILY and falsely lied about his holiday, and then saved it all up for JUST HIMSELF.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/06/2018 17:44

Well isn't he the charmer. When he should be down on bended knee thanking you for saving him from one day a week of childcare expense, he's saying your husband should be telling you to have his child more? And he has form for dumping and running off for days at a time?

And this man has custody of a child?

I agree with a PP who says he will probably drop her off and not come back for days, just to teach you a lesson...

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/06/2018 17:51

I think the threat of him dropping them at MiL's on his Monday is manageable. You can just refuse to take DN for a Monday until he has actually taken them. Instead (if you have the flexibility), take your own DD on a day you would have dropped her at MiL.

shirleybanister · 22/06/2018 18:10

I can understand that you are furious. Can't help feeling very, very sorry for this little girl who is such an inconvenience.

littlerocketman · 22/06/2018 18:11

I have to say, I would never leave my kids with someone like this. Bit of an eye-opener that others would.

Slightlyjaded · 22/06/2018 18:16

littlerocketman - who are you referring to?

cheapskatemum · 22/06/2018 18:18

I’m normally conciliatory and bend over backwards to help people out, but I would retract my offer of 1 day a week if I were in your position as bil has shown from past actions and what he has said to your dh that he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries or your goodwill.

FaveNumberIs2 · 22/06/2018 18:18

Tell him to fuck right off.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/06/2018 18:18

Dh had spoken to him and he is unable to commit to sharing Mondays so dh has said that given how rude he was and that he's not prepared to assist us then he will need to make alternative arrangements. He's also told him not to turn up unannounced as he will not be leaving dd

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/06/2018 18:19

We dh dd and I will be spending time with dn at mils through the summer

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 22/06/2018 18:20

Well done your DH

I'm sad for DN though. But that guilt is not yours to absolve. It's your wanker of a BILs responsibility to make her feel loved and wanted.

I rarely feel angry on these kinds of threads but I this has given me the rage.

Juells · 22/06/2018 18:21

Hurray. Sorted with minimum fuss. The 'swapping mondays' idea was a good one.

MadMags · 22/06/2018 18:22

Good! Now stick to your guns!

viques · 22/06/2018 18:28

Nicpen your OH has comeup trumps (about time too Grin)

How fortunate that your BIL has nearly a month to sort out alternative childcare,for the summer.

littlerocketman · 22/06/2018 18:41

Slightlyjaded Not biting, sorry.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 22/06/2018 18:47

His attitude to childcare is appalling especially in relation to just dropping her off and not picking her up at the intended time.

That’s actually failing to provide constancy and could be considered an issue with social services

alliwantforchristmasis · 22/06/2018 18:51

Hi op I'm sorry your bil is a nob and I feel sorry for your dn as she's the one in the middle of all this, but I'd be telling him to fuck off, as you've saved your annual leave so that you can look after your own child not his. I know it was a token offer but when he acts like this he should be told to grow up and deal with his dd and not expect everyone else to deal with her.
My own brother was like this while he was a single parent (his kids are adults now) and had my mum and dad running around after him, nothing in a way of a thank you just expecting it every time and everyone to drop what they had planned for him. I don't speak to him now and that's because he was as bad as your bil. I'd tell him you can't do the one day you had offered and he will have to make other arrangements for dn.
he's just one cf and needs telling so.

Leeds2 · 22/06/2018 18:51

Well Done to your DH for standing his ground.

Can predict MIL will be doing extra childcare though.