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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 21/06/2018 13:08

Get you in line Shock

For what? Walking away from him?

Leeds2 · 21/06/2018 13:08

Another one saying withdraw your offer completely. And disable your doorbell for the duration of the holiday.

Piffle11 · 21/06/2018 13:08

Not only is he a CF, he sounds vile too. He should be grateful that you are taking his child one day a week, rather than complaining that you're not doing enough to help him. Whether you decide to do the day per week or not - and I think you are within your rights to withdraw the offer - I would be making it very clear that this is the very last time you will help out.

FrancisCrawford · 21/06/2018 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlerocketman · 21/06/2018 13:10

I would hate to be involved in any way with him (and what on earth was your DP doing allowing him to finish those sentences?!) but I feel so sorry for the child involved that I might do it for their sake.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 13:10

He hasnt called me yet I'm expecting either a call or to be pounced on at mil. I imagine he's waiting for me to calm down.

Stealth- he's always been a knob

Fruit- he won't have booked any clubs or anything for dn he doesn't like to pay for child care his expectation will be me, mil and his late wife's parents will pick up the holidays as he uses his annual leave for his hobby, granted last year I was not aware of this and agreed to have dn alot as he pleaded no annual leave due to unforseen circumstances but used loads after the summer Confused

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 21/06/2018 13:10

I’d take great pleasure in informing him he’s shot himself in the foot and the entire offer is withdrawn. It’s not up to him (or your DH) how you spend your freetime and this blatant act of unappreciation has made you rethink the original arrangement.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 13:11

If my brother had said that to me about my spouse I'd have told him to fuck off.

Please, please don't do any more childcare for him at all ever. He's an abusive twat and well worth falling out with.

I really hope this time you have told him you will not be providing any chilcare.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 21/06/2018 13:14

If you don't withdraw your offer then you are supporting him in continuing to be a knob. Don't do it. He can use the AL he reserves for his hobbies to spend time with his DD.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 13:16

'He hasnt called me yet I'm expecting either a call or to be pounced on at mil. I imagine he's waiting for me to calm down.'

Why wait? Or even call either one of them. Just text him. And your pisstaking MIL. 'Not providing any childcare at all for you this summer or any other time. Had it with your pisstaking and entitlement and vile abuse. Sort your own child out because I'm out.'

Juells · 21/06/2018 13:16

I'd withdraw offer, and not answer the door if he tries to outflank you by arriving in the morning and dumping the child for the day - or several days.

He's an absolute knob. You didn't arrange your time off to facilitate him. Why did MiL tell him? That's the last time she'd know anything about my doings as well.

Have a big falling-out with him, it will save a lot of trouble in the future.

Nodnol · 21/06/2018 13:16

Two words for the knobhead- get fucked.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/06/2018 13:17

Tell him plainly. His arrogance, rudeness, has made you rethink your offer and you are now withdrawing it. Remind him that this is the usual fate for people who mistake kindness for weakness!

He still has time to pay for proper childcare over summer, so don't feel sorry for him, he is, as you said, a knob!

And I do hope your DH tells him and his parents precisely where to go next time he sees him them person. They ALL need to be aware that the two of you are not in anyway divide over this!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 13:17

We normally see each other at mils, mil isn't involved in this particular issue I have a good relationship with her

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 21/06/2018 13:18

Phone BiL and withdraw the offer to look after DN. He is very unappreciative.

Starlight345 · 21/06/2018 13:18

Wonder why he is still single with that attitude .

5foot5 · 21/06/2018 13:19

Don't wait for him to call. You call him and tell him that in light of his recent twattish comments the offer is withdrawn. And don't back down.

Nodnol · 21/06/2018 13:19

@Juells

I’d fall out with MIL too.

Grump1 · 21/06/2018 13:19

He is a widower! So your niece’s mother has died. This changes everything. He is somewhere he never expected to be. Perhaps that it no excuse for his graceless, rude attitude. But look further. He is struggling alone, grieving, with a grieving child. Maybe you and your oh need to talk together about how to help him without a) him having to ask and b) how much you are prepared to do. Yes he has been nasty but ..... look beyond it and imagine walking in his shoes and try to help everyone to find a way forward as a supportive extended family. Set him some boundaries for his manners obviously but I think maybe for your niece’s sake consider doing a little more. Smooth out BIL’s sharp and hurting edges and hope for everyone that he eventually finds another partner. Can he child mind in return? Good luck.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/06/2018 13:19

You don't owe him anything, have some self respect and withdraw your kind offer. Your BIL has no respect for you or your generosity, let him pay for childcare then he might put some value on it.

This!^^

He will rock up on the one day a week you’ve offered at 5am and will he be grateful? no he will not. He’ll be resenting you thinking you should be looking after her more.

Also on these one day a week has he even offered to bring her a packed lunch/snack/money for if you take them out somewhere? I’m guessing not. You’re already doing him a favour/saving him money having her - you shouldn’t be out of pocket, especially for this ungrateful bugger.

LivingMyBestLife · 21/06/2018 13:21

Say something has come up and you can't do the odd days either. You save your annual leave for your child, not his.

Nanasueathome · 21/06/2018 13:21

How old is your niece?

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 13:21

Nice chance to have a swipe at a MiL expat . Who needs a reason eh?

CampariSpritz · 21/06/2018 13:22

Gosh, if my BIL or DB had said that I would be furious. What a horrible person. I feel sorry for your DN as her mum is dead. Maybe maintain the day a week but tell BIL that is it and he ought to be bloody grateful.

Hissy · 21/06/2018 13:23

dropped her at 5am??? Shock

"Get her in LINE?"

You're a FOOL tbh love. You should never feel obliged to someone who has ZERO respect for you, your family or your time.

Phone him up, tell him he's blown it and to get his childcare sorted and paid for like normal people do.

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