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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
Iamtryingtobenicehere · 21/06/2018 16:35

Why even ask mumsnet. You know anyone in the real world would tell you the same. Withdraw offer, tell BIL he is a misogynist and if he thinks you’re going to offer to help a fully fledged twat he can jog on!

Only take on care of niece after a humble, sincere and grovelling apology.

dupainduvin · 21/06/2018 16:36

yes BIL is a twat, but this girl has lost her mum and although that's not Op's fault, if she's happy with one day a week, BIL has long been a twat by the sounds of it.

The only person who's really going to get punished properly here is the DN. The BIL is a twat that will find someone else to foist his kid onto.

I'm not sure you can bring twats to heel to be honest, he'll go on being a twat for the rest of his life and he's DN's dad.

onalongsabbatical · 21/06/2018 16:38

OP, rightly, is trying both to have a clear boundary with the BIL without completely abandoning the poor child. That’s why none of this is black and white and OP has come for help. Flowers for you, OP, it's a very difficult situation to be in.

dupainduvin · 21/06/2018 16:39

yes it's a horribly hard situation, i don't think it's at all obvious, people being what they are. I can't think of a single tosser parent I know that's ever been reformed by anybody's actions.

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2018 16:44

I think you should have your Niece on day a week if you can manage that. It gives her an increased sense of family connection and keeps your relationship going.

I think BIL should be tackled by both you and your DH, face to face.

Tbh, I went a bit off the rails when my DH died, people should have been blunter and more honest with me. Do you and MIL discuss him and how he uses his leave? It might be time to do that as a Family and I think that's what Families should do.

If he's never been a hands-on-dad, then he's got to get his head around that it's got to change. He is a LP and there is increased responsibility.

LakieLady · 21/06/2018 16:47

He sounds vile - misogynist, rude and entitled.

I'd tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. His daughter lost her mum, she needs her dad even more now. He needs to step up and stop being an arsehole.

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2018 16:47

"I can't think of a single tosser parent I know that's ever been reformed by anybody's actions."

I was in a support group for younger, LP bereaved people and quite a few do have a damaging reaction, but then, with help, turn things back around.

Some were arseholes before, but changed when they had sole responsibility.

People react differently to grief.

AngelsSins · 21/06/2018 16:48

I do understand people's concern about DN but not being childcare is not the same as abandoneding her! You can still be part of her life and support her without looking after her.

I agree with this 100%. Plenty of fathers walk out on their kids and never look back, that can be even more painful for children than a parent dying, because it teaches them that their father could see them, but doesn’t want to. These single women don’t get to be rude and demanding and have people fall over themselves to still help. Having a penis shouldn’t give him a free pass.

OlafLovesAnna · 21/06/2018 16:51

Could you do the Monday of childcare at BILs house? That way you turn up and leave when you want to and he can't pulll any 'late home' type stunts.

It would be a bit of a pain not to be in your own space but dn's behaviour may improve as well as BILs.

tiredteddy123 · 21/06/2018 16:54

Despite him being an absolute CF I think it would be right to still have DN the one day a week but make very clear to BIL that if he doesn't turn up on time to collect DN as agreed then you will not be having her the following week.

tiredteddy123 · 21/06/2018 16:54

Despite him being an absolute CF I think it would be right to still have DN the one day a week but make very clear to BIL that if he doesn't turn up on time to collect DN as agreed then you will not be having her the following week.

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 16:54

It doesn't give him a free pass
@Angel but most dads that leave aren't the child's primary care giver. This little girl has lost her mum, her stay at home primary carer. Now she's with her dad who doesn't seem to understand the primary role he's found himself in.
Most single mums are already the primary carer and adjust to the sole role more easily to a man bereaved.

dupainduvin · 21/06/2018 16:54

birdsgottafly i reckon your suggestion of a united front to talk to him is a very good one. Tough love, stopping all childcare seems unlikely to work, it's possible BIL won't bother as much if there is no 'childcare' element if he's in totally selfish mode and there is nothing in it for him.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 16:57

I can't do the child care at his house it's too far really I don't drive and they live a distance away

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 21/06/2018 16:58

I think you should have your Niece on day a week if you can manage that. It gives her an increased sense of family connection and keeps your relationship going.

Why is it only women who are expected to do this? Why has no one suggested the OPs husband take some days off to look after HIS BROTHER’S daughter? It’s always women that are designated with the responsibility to do this stuff. (Not intended as a dig at your husband OP, just sick of this always being seen as a woman’s job, and then guilt tripping her when she doesn’t comply).

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 21/06/2018 17:00

OP - so what's the plan of action?

DarlingNikita · 21/06/2018 17:00

Your DH should get you in line and he needs to sort you out? Hmm

He's an entitled misogynistic twat. Withdraw the offer, obviously.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 17:06

Dh is due back shortly, I'm going to say that I think it's important that dn knows she's got a family and I will match him day to day on childcare on a Monday

OP posts:
Grump1 · 21/06/2018 17:10

sugarisamazing. Glad you are here. I feel like a very lonely voice. Sad people often come across as being angry or rude. Sometimes there is a good reason for that and maybe this is one of those times.

Wineandrosesagain · 21/06/2018 17:11

Expat wasn’t being offensive she was trying to give you some good advice. From your responses I assume gyou’ll be having DN once a week (and hoping that BIL turns up to collect her - and hoping she doesn’t hit your DD too often).
Confused

Wineandrosesagain · 21/06/2018 17:13

Crossed post. Match him - does that mean you do one Monday he does the next?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 17:15

Yep starting with him

OP posts:
fanominon · 21/06/2018 17:16

OK, BIL is obviously an arse - but i wouldn't punish your dn for it, personally. However, I would make crystal clear that he had crossed a line, and was now on his last warning - and you need to be prepared to follow that through! I would be looking at three pronged attach a) your dh to explain to him that if he ever took you for granted again, or spoke about you like that, that would be the end of the childcare help. That you were both shocked and upset that your BIL was so unappreciative of your help and so rude about someone helping him out, and you expect a proper apology. b) that one day a week would be starting at x and finishing at y - that you will organise other plans around these times, and if he's late (esp without asking you - NOT letting you know, but asking) then that would also be the end of childcare help c) That he has your dd at xx to help return the favour OR help with xx job at weekends or some other form of payback in lieu (knowing that you will cash in return favours might help him think twice)

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 17:16

Hell never agree and that way I'm still being reasonable

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/06/2018 17:17

Under the circumstances, I would talk to your MIL.
Explain that you can only have DN on the Mondays, and that if BIL does not turn up, you will need to place DN elsewhere - with MIL, if no one else is around. She's her grandmother, she can pick up the slack.

If this doesn't encourage your MIL to talk to her other son, nothing will.

If she doesn't see/know the problem, she won't do anything about it - so make it her problem if you can't find your BIL.

I'd also consider turning up at his workplace with her if MIL can't take her.

I will match him day to day on childcare on a Monday

I don't understand what you mean by this, sorry - does that mean that you will take DN one Monday and you expect him to have your DC the next one? Because obviously you know that isn't going to happen, so it doesn't make sense!

It's very sad for your DN that her mother has died and her father doesn't want to spend any holiday time with her - but I don't think that gives her any kind of excuse to bash your 4yo DD. If you're having to be In loco parentis with her, then treat her as you would your own DD and discipline her if she bashes your child again - it wasn't clear from your posts whether you or MIL already do this, as you said you just both "helicopter" around both girls when they're together.

Crap situation all round, but you can't let him take the piss like this, he'll expect it every year.