Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/06/2018 15:49

Unfortunately, some people see kindness as weakness. If he already saw parenting as women's work anyway then it's a recipe for disaster.
I think you are right and the child would be just left with you. Do you have a clear idea of what you'd do if that happened?

In more general terms, is she being looked after properly do you think? Does he need outside support? If my BIL did this to me (and he absolutely would) I'd be tempted to call SS, but I don't think he is an adequate parent/human being generally.

Nanasueathome · 21/06/2018 15:51

Do the child and BIL currently live independently or do they live with the in-laws?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 15:51

expatinscotland

He needs to be told. Stop letting him and your MIL push you around. Your husband is wet, too

^^
I'm not sure you realise you're being so offensive

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 15:53

Nanasue- they live independently

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 15:57

He was never planning to just stick to the one day a week. He sees himself as entitled to free childcare and enabling to pursue his hobby because he's a sexist cunt who feels parenting is women's work and men need to force women to do it if they don't willingly bow down to The Man. You already had the measure of him. You've been bullied by him and MIL long enough. Cut him off now or you'll be putting up with this for the rest of your life.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 15:57

expat what is it w you and the OP's MiL? Why do you keep dragging her into this? Confused

farter · 21/06/2018 15:58

IN LINE!!

Wtaf is he on?

Tricky situation OP -but I'd be very wary if he might not turn up to collect her. Poor girl!

Sounds like he needs to be a better parent...

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 21/06/2018 15:58

*expatinscotland

He needs to be told. Stop letting him and your MIL push you around. Your husband is wet, too*

I'm not sure you realise you're being so offensive

Yeah, she does. This is par for the course on any "cheeky fucker" thread.

Things are never as black and white as expat seems to believe.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 15:59

'I'm not sure you realise you're being so offensive'

And that's exactly why he will continue to misuse you. He told your husband to 'sort you out' and 'get you in line' to force you to look after his child and I'm the one being offensive by saying you're well within your right to withdraw the offer of one day a week after you've stated you know he'll take the piss and dump her on you? Your husband sat there and listened to his brother talk like that about his wife. Okay. Hmm

Nanasueathome · 21/06/2018 16:02

I have just read back through the OPs posts and nowhere can I see that the MIL has done any ‘pushing around’
She is probably in the same situation as the OP and being so o childcare help too

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 16:02

'Things are never as black and white as expat seems to believe.'

This is pretty black and white: he will not stick to the agreement. So either they suck it up or say no. He has demonstrated that he fundamentally has zero respect for the OP or her family.

'expat what is it w you and the OP's MiL? Why do you keep dragging her into this? confused'

She apparently tipped the BIL off that the OP was off in the first place.

juneau · 21/06/2018 16:03

Your BIL is is a misogynistic, entitled twat. Why does he think you owe him childcare FGS? Because you're a woman? Because you have a DC yourself? I'd rescind the offer of childcare for the summer as he's still got plenty of time to sort it out and never offer again. He seems to think he can just make a convenience of you, so I'd nip that in the bud right now. You don't owe him anything.

Nanasueathome · 21/06/2018 16:04

MIL being asked for childcare help too....that should say

dupainduvin · 21/06/2018 16:04

it's sad though isn't it, DN will end up paying the price because her dad is a fuckwit. I'd have none of his BS, but I'd stick with the original plan because of the kid. She's hardly won the lottery in Dads, and she's lost her mum, that must be bloody awful.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/06/2018 16:04

All the MIL seems to have done is tell BIL about the OP's annual leave. Possibly because she was directly asked.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 16:08

Expat- my sip died as family or indeed a decent human you rally around and help.

My mil is amazing and in no way a bully so please leave that alone.

My bil yes has tried to take the mick but he won't get away with it but we will discuss that as adults

OP posts:
TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 21/06/2018 16:11

A very sensible response indeed Nicpem.

OliviaBenson · 21/06/2018 16:12

Expat is blunt but she is right. You might want to deal with it as an adult, but your BIL doesn't given his comments, expectations and behaviour. It's tragic that your niece lost her mum at such a young age, but your BIL is using that and so far you have all enabled him.

You need to be extremely firm and rescind your offer otherwise he'll just dump your poor DN on you anyway. He needs to be told to sort his own childcare out and to use his own leave.

QueenOfMyWorld · 21/06/2018 16:13

Withdraw offer then on the day you were originally supposed to be having her send him this🖕

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 21/06/2018 16:14

This is pretty black and white: he will not stick to the agreement. So either they suck it up or say no.

The situation is not black and white. They are family, with other relatives who - rightly or wrongly - will have opinions about how they all act in this matter.

There are small children involved. It is not black and white at all.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 21/06/2018 16:20

Withdraw the offer or you'll have her all holiday every holiday.

You and your dc are entitled to a break, too and it sounds like your Dd needs a break from DN.

Certainly don't end up out of pocket if you do have her at all. I would bill him for attendance at activities etc and any food. He'd soon learn.

I say this in this instance because this man sounds utterly entitled and must be taught.

Anon12345ABC · 21/06/2018 16:26

I honestly wouldn't have her. Shy should your child have to suffer anyway. Your BIL is a massive prick!

BrendasUmbrella · 21/06/2018 16:30

He says your DH should get you in line and sort you out? He's angry you "only" agreed to help him one day a week?

Well I know what I'd say, but I'm the kind of person who will lovingly cherish a grudge for decades. You can try to get through to him. And then pick up some pyjamas and a toothbrush for the overnights you'll end up lumbered with, because he clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Best of luck with it though!

Thewheelshavefallenoffthebus · 21/06/2018 16:31

Expat, agreeing with the bulk of what you say on this one. Op bil is clearly a twat - as op has said herself!

Steeley113 · 21/06/2018 16:33

Whilst I’m the kind of person who will have anyone’s kids whenever, even I would get pissed at that attitude. You’re doing him a favour and he should be grateful. I’d withdraw my offer until he apologises.