Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 14:17

Puppy - handsy - she gives my dd a sly kick or shove and makes her cry so I have to helicopter like crazy as does mil

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 14:17

Barbarian - it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference

OP posts:
SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 14:17

My opinion differs to the majority on this, but I'm feeling heartbroken for the little girl in the middle of all this.
If my niece needed a stable influence in her life and I could provide it I would. In fact I'd go as far as not contacting the dad if he was late picking her up and if the hours turned into days, the days in to weeks and the weeks in to forever then so be it...

littlewoollypervert · 21/06/2018 14:18

If you are going to do the one day a week, make sure it is the Friday - if you take her on Monday what's the chances he leaves you with her Tues-Fri?
(that's if he works Mon to Fri)

If not make sure you take her for the day before his day(s) off so he can't cry off collecting her "because he's at work".

eddielizzard · 21/06/2018 14:18

i think your dh needs to get HIM in line. and you are fully within your rights to put you and your dd first. it's different if your dd and dn get on well and it's no bother. it changes things if your dd won't gain from it either. bil is essentially asking a favour from you and your dd. and not being very gracious about it.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 21/06/2018 14:19

So what's your decision? Are you going to withdraw the 1 day a week if you think he'll go awol?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 14:19

Little - my non working day is a Monday so that day is set

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 14:21

Memyshelfandikea- I'm going to speak to dh this evening I'm not feeling good about one day a week at the min I'm afraid he will go awol

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/06/2018 14:25

If my niece needed a stable influence in her life and I could provide it I would.

And if you can’t?

OP has been pitching in, I doubt she has time to indulge going off to peruse a hobby on her own and dump her DC for free on her in laws.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 14:28

I doubt she has time to indulge going off to peruse a hobby on her own and dump her DC for free on her in laws.

^^I really don't

OP posts:
Hissy · 21/06/2018 14:31

No way would i do this, no way at all. Especially if MY DC were getting hurt too!

childcare in the summer holidays is about the easiest thing to arrange on earth!

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 14:34

Everyone is concentrating on "his kid, his problem."

There is a little girl involved whose dad is unreliable. It's no wonder she's a bit "handsy" if she has lost her mum and has no idea when her dad will return when she's dropped off at different homes.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 21/06/2018 14:34

Good luck with your chat OP and stand your ground. If you give him the benefit of the doubt and he leaves DN with you then bang - that's a whole week or your precious annual leave ruined. If your DH doesn't support you then he needs to be prepared to to step in and take annual leave himself for his DN.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/06/2018 14:34

Poor kid. It's easy to imagine a knobhead like this blaming her and her not perfectly easy behaviour, for the cancelled visits. I do think that somehow, working on the relationship between you (plural - DH and DC) and DN is important, so DN has people she knows she can turn to and spend time with, later. Maybe that does have to be with MIL, or via family days out together at weekends.

DN may be difficult now but may well become much easier to have around later, even a pleasure and someone who can entertain your DC.

It's pretty clear he will take the piss. I think you do need to withdraw the offer and spell out why.

Would you be able to offer to take DN on any particular days out with you? When you can pick her up and drop off (with him or another 'childminder')?

MeMyShelfandIkea · 21/06/2018 14:35

All the more reason to stop enabling him then sugar

TegKernow · 21/06/2018 14:37

He’s a rude, cheeky bastard.

If I were you, I would message him right now, (this minute in fact) to withdraw your offer of one day a week due to his rude, entitled behaviour and his severe lack of respect for you. You owe him NOTHING. Don’t feel obliged to provide this idiot with any childcare whatsoever.

The fact that your DN doesn’t get on with your DD and, as you say, is ‘handsy’ with her is just another reason not to look after her. Put your own DD first OP, I certainly would.

I feel a bit sorry for the DN but she’s not your responsibility and your Bil’s childcare issues are not your problem.

MrsWombat · 21/06/2018 14:38

I would make it very clear you are only available for the one day a week. Tell him, and everyone else you will be reporting him to social services for abandonment if he doesn't turn up to pick her up by 6pm. (I'm sure someone on here will know exactly how that works!) Make unchangeable plans for the following days and make that clear too. (I'm off to the spa with my friends and have booked my children into the holiday club etc)

He's definitely a CF. Angry

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 14:40

Buy surely it's better to offer some stability to the niece, than have her passed around for the whole summer holiday, or stuck in a summer camp, or even worse possibly left home alone.
It might well be "enabling" him, but he's not the concern - the little girl is.

Efferlunt · 21/06/2018 14:44

I love how posters have gone straight to kicking the MIL when she has barely any involvement in the issue.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/06/2018 14:46

But many of us were sent off to summer camps, activity days and child minders for the summer!

Any stability she needs is down to him to provide, and that should start with him, as a parent.!

OracleofDelphi · 21/06/2018 14:46

Barbarian - it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference

But it would make a difference to tell him this... Monday - he drops her off and is meant to every Monday for 6 weeks. If he doesnt pick her up as planned on the 1st Monday evening - when he does collect her (what kind of arsehole does that to a little girl who has lost her mum???) then tell him you will not be doing any further childcare. Hes been forewarned and you are just carrying through with what you said you would do.

Honestly OP - say no - or if you cant tell him that if he doenst pick her up when hes meant to at any stage, the rest of the 1 day a week deal is OFF. Personally I wouldnt do any of it. Some people carry on being useless the more other people do for them....

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 14:48

@Curious, he should but isn't...so someone should step up and help.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 14:48

Depends on what sort of family you are. I definitely feel some responsibility for my nephews and neices. Certainly enough to try and support them in these circumstances, although, yes, there'd be a limit.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/06/2018 14:50

Yes... and that help should be supporting him make better choices, not absolving him of them, Sugar

And yes, I'd say the same f it were a newly bereaved mother. As you say,kids need stability... primarily from a parent and,if as OP suggests, he has never really tried, then he needs to make a better, long term decision. Helping him paper over the cracks isn't going to help the child in the long term.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/06/2018 14:51

Sorry Sugar That came out on the page much more snippy than I heard it in my head!

I think we all agree the child deserves better Smile