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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 21/06/2018 13:24

Grump1 you appear to have missed the part where the Bil uses his annual leave to pursue a hobby

KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/06/2018 13:25

It's the DN I feel sorry for. Poor kid!

gillybeanz · 21/06/2018 13:26

I would retract offer of one day per week, what a tosser he is.
I'd distance myself from a man with such views.

Tambien · 21/06/2018 13:26

Nope being a widower does not allow him to treat pople in the way he does.
It doesn’t allow him to have no respect for the person he is expecting a favour from.
Grieving doesn’t suffenly turn people in to twats. They were like this before.

MatildaLovesBooks · 21/06/2018 13:27

Withdraw the offer. How rude.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 21/06/2018 13:27

Grump1 the many thousands of single mums who are abandoned by their DC's father are also somewhere they never expected to be, it doesn't give them a pass to be entitled knobs. Of course bereavement is an awful situation for the BIL but all the more reason for him to be spending time with his DD who has lost her mother.

Underparmummy · 21/06/2018 13:27

Do not have his child for the one day a week. What a tosser.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/06/2018 13:28

I’d withdraw offer fully. They are seriously CFs

beachysandy81 · 21/06/2018 13:28

He sounds awful. Though I would honor the day a week for my niece especially as her mum is not around. Poor niece having him for a Dad and no mother. At least it sounds like you and other family members are around for her. Why is he not spending as much time as he can with his daughter, she needs him?

StealthPolarBear · 21/06/2018 13:28

"hope for everyone that he eventually finds another partner"
Who (other than him) would be better off if he found another partner??

Juells · 21/06/2018 13:29

@Grump1
He is struggling alone, grieving, with a grieving child. Maybe you and your oh need to talk together about how to help him without a) him having to ask and b) how much you are prepared to do. Yes he has been nasty but ..... look beyond it and imagine walking in his shoes and try to help everyone to find a way forward as a supportive extended family.

Oh bring out the fricken' violins. He's a nasty entitled arse. "Get her in line" indeed. That's his attitude to women, that they should be kept in line and do what men want them to.

You're not living up to your name, Grump. Must try harder. 😁

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 21/06/2018 13:29

I'd withdraw the offer and tell him to make alternative arrangements.

I work term time only, my brother decided I'd be having his two daughters for ALL of school holidays!

He won't take leave during school hols as it's 'his' leave to do what he wants with. He'll only take a week for a family holiday.

I'm happy to help for a few days, but not all of the hols, so he was quickly put in his place.

Thewheelshavefallenoffthebus · 21/06/2018 13:30

Withdraw and say why - he was rude about you to your dh and you both feel he is being a cf.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 21/06/2018 13:31

Going through a horrible experience (which being widowed undoubtedly is) doesn't automatically turn people into angels or excuse any and all bad behaviour. OP says he's always been a knob. His poor dd has lost her mother and needs more time with her father, not for him to swan off doing his hobby on his annual leave.

Purely for the sake of the child - who sounds as if she needs some loving and stable influences in her life, I would do the day you agreed to, but no more. You and dh tell him together, in person, that you are not impressed with his extremely disrespectful attitude and are only doing the previously agreed day for the sake of dn. I think I would also be making the point that his dd needs him and his hobby should be taking a back seat.

Is he a good parent otherwise? Is she well looked after?

GrannyGrissle · 21/06/2018 13:31

As he clearly thinks you are a worthless piece of crap (judging by how he expects your DH to treat you) why on earth would you do him ANY favours OP?

MrsAidanTurner · 21/06/2018 13:32

Get you in line Shock

Bloody hell. If you like your dn and she likes you it's her who will suffered though.

Not sure what you can do without punishing dn.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 13:32

Id stick to the day a week Id offered for the child's sake, despite him being a total arse though.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 13:34

Im not sure any little girl needs more time with a father who doesn't want to spend time with her. Sad

givemesteel · 21/06/2018 13:34

To all those who are saying 'withdraw the offer', is anyone thinking about the poor niece whose dad is obviously a dick?

FrancisCrawford · 21/06/2018 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/06/2018 13:35

Please withdraw that offer.

He uses his leave for his hobby?

Maybe if he wasn't enabled to do that, his child would see more of him. He might also be forced to grow up from being a whining manchild leaving puddles everywhere for the women in his life to mop up, and be a better example to his child as a result.

FrancisCrawford · 21/06/2018 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KC225 · 21/06/2018 13:37

He is a knob head. What kind of language is that to use.

I would withdraw child care but if IN-LAWS picknup the slack and they live close enough, I would drive over and take her out or to your place to hang out 'for her sake' not to help him out. Poor girl, imagine what she has to listen to on a daily basis.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/06/2018 13:37

When he uses his leave for his hobby, does he take dn with him? or expect others to care for her then too?

Do you have similar-age dcs who get on well with dn? Is it worth having dn over for a limited time, to maintain their relationship?

It's pretty clear though, that, if you tyr to stick with one day a week, he will leave her with you for longer.

I'd be tempted to tell him I was 'doing my hobby' for the three weeks, so unfortunately can no longer look after dn - but you're sure he'll understand.

givemesteel · 21/06/2018 13:39

Posted too soon.

I think you should text him to say that you font expect to be spoken about like that, that the offer you've given is generous, take it or leave it.

But I would try and put your niece first if you can, with a father like that the days she has with you might be nicest in her summer hols.

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