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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a summer childcare one! Furious

291 replies

Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 12:53

Have offered to have dn for a day a week over the summer to help bil out. He has found out via mil that I'm off for 3 weeks as I've saved my annual leave.

Hes challenged dh last night at ils saying he should get me in line and if I'm off work it doesn't hurt to have an extra child and he needs to sort me out so he can drop dn off for a few days at a time

I'm furious and am tempted to withdraw offer of one day per week. Aibu to tell him to forget bringing dn at all.

For clarity bil is single and I have previously helped bil out but he took advantage, didn't pick her up on time one turned up the next day, dropped her at 5am instead of 7am etc so I've had enough

OP posts:
SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 14:53

Totally off topic but my friend had a nephew who needed help, but she was heavily pregnant and refused as he wasn't her problem. In fact her last jokey words to him were (he had a water pistol) "if you squirt me I'm going to kill you."
His father stabbed him that evening and then killed himself in prison.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 21/06/2018 14:56

Wow sugar. Is he ok? The nephew I mean.

Beenherebefore · 21/06/2018 14:56

I wouldn't withdraw the 1 day you are doing, that is punishing your DN, and possibly yourself, no, stick with that for you DN sake. But pick up the phone and say you don't appreciate what he said without getting nasty or angry, just tell him like it is and then leave it there.
He's a n arse but he's family and I'm sure you'd rather not have a huge falling out if you can help it, but he does still need to be called out.

TegKernow · 21/06/2018 14:58

Depends on what sort of family you are. I definitely feel some responsibility for my nephews and neices. Certainly enough to try and support them in these circumstances, although, yes, there'd be a limit.

I know what you mean Barbarian but the trouble with OP’s situation is that her Bil seems like a ‘give him an inch and he’ll take a mile’ kind of person.
It’s a crap situation for the DN, but it really isn’t OP’s responsibility to pick up the slack of her Bil’s shitty parenting, especially as she has her own DD to think about.

SoftBallSophie · 21/06/2018 14:58

He told DH 'to get me in line'
'BIL is single'....haha yes, I'm sure he is with an attitude like that. Dickhead.

Nanasueathome · 21/06/2018 14:59

I think that the OP is now concerned as BIL knows she is off work for 3 weeks and when he drops his daughter off for the 1 pre-arranged day he may not return to collect her for several days

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 14:59

@rhubarb the nephew passed away. If you google "Ben Pepall murdered" the newspaper articles come up.

LeighaJ · 21/06/2018 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeighaJ · 21/06/2018 15:03

Apologies I missed the post about his wife being dead. Blush

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 15:05

Leigha - it's ok

OP posts:
Noqont · 21/06/2018 15:11

Poor kid. 2 years is no time :-(

AngelsSins · 21/06/2018 15:12

Not a fucking chance would I take that kind of disrespect.

I’d tell him straight that he gets no more help from you and he needs to learn how to treat other people and stop being such an entitled, selfish prick. He is then free to issue a grovelling apology, and if he did, I may stick to the one day a week on the condition that the first time he breaks the agreed hours, that’s the end of it.

Singlenotsingle · 21/06/2018 15:15

Outrageous. Who does he think he is?!

itswinetime · 21/06/2018 15:18

I do understand people's concern about DN but not being childcare is not the same as abandoneding her! You can still be part of her life and support her without looking after her.

You have 2 choices obviously you take the risk have dn if he mucks you about that is it done. But that leaves him without child care last minute and will leave dn being passed around when at least now there is some time to sort things.

Or you withdrawal the offer and can be there for DN in other ways.

Personally I would take option 2 especially as the relationship between DN and DD doesn't sound great

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 15:24

'Wheely, - I do feel sorry for my dn but i'm concerned that if we agree to one day a week now he knows I'm off he just won't pick her up and be uncontactable.'

This is exactly what he will do because he feels entitled to abuse you. The one day a week has to be withdrawn and you don't need to wait till evening or permission from your husband to do it. He doesn't own you and it's your time off.

zzzzz · 21/06/2018 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 15:33

Zzzzz- we didn't have one we weren't close

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 21/06/2018 15:34

Where will he go AWOL? If you honestly suspect he will disappear leaving his child with you, then I wouldn’t risk it.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/06/2018 15:37

He will either 'stay away with work' and have 'no signal' or 'get back so late from work his dd would have been sleeping'

OP posts:
agnurse · 21/06/2018 15:37

DEFINITELY rescind the childcare offer.

You were planning to take DN as a favour to BIL. It's NONE of his business how much vacation time you get or how you choose to use that vacation time.

I'm a college instructor and get 7 weeks off during the summer. (Believe me, I earn it. I teach nursing. When I'm teaching practicum, it's full-time hours for 4-8 weeks and I have to mark in the evenings.) If one of my siblings said I essentially OWED it to them to provide childcare, I would be showing them the door.

SleepWarrior · 21/06/2018 15:37

This is such sad reading (the BIL and his poor daughter, not you op).

Does he want to be a dad to her do you think? No wonder she's becoming bullish with a dad like that, and no other parent to balance it out, all whilst grieving for her mother Sad.

I know you probably can't for many reasons, but I'd want to move her into my house and have her see her dad once a week, not the other way round.

InMySpareTime · 21/06/2018 15:44

I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that if he abandons DN at your house you'll refer her to Social Services. If he wants to absolve himself from parenting his own child, it really is a Social Services issue.

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 15:45

Exactly how I feel @SweetWarrior

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 15:47

He needs to be told. Stop letting him and your MIL push you around. Your husband is wet, too.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2018 15:48

Difficult. I think my first instinct would be to tell him to fuck off and find alternative care (which would probably be OP's iLs or BiL's own parents). My second instinct would be to tell BiL that I know what he said but for the benefit of DN, I would continue to have the one day/week only, nothing extra during my time off AND that if he fucked up even ONCE with pick ups or drop offs that one day would be terminated effective immediately, like that very day.