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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you if there's any other option than abortion?

122 replies

Selladoor · 21/06/2018 10:44

I realise AIBU is a highly inappropriate place to post this, but I'm booked in for an appointment for a termination of a very early pregnancy this afternoon but I'm posting in a last ditch attempt in case there's some option I've missed.

I was told 5 years ago I was highly unlikely to conceive again. Was ok with this, have one DC with my exH. This was a casual thing with a friend. He'd be there, but wouldnt be able to make much in the way of financial contribution. I have debts, I work FT, can afford to pay everything now and a few humble luxuries. BUT add into the mix childcare costs which I've worked out would be around 700 a month, and I just couldn't cope. So I'd get to the end of my maternity leave and literally not be able to afford to go back to work. Which in turn would mean I couldn't pay the mortgage or meet other financial commitments. Am I missing some obvious option here, anyone have any genius ideas??

All posts welcome, any judgmental comments won't bother or insult me either... water off a ducks back at this point in time!!

OP posts:

Heismyopendoor · 21/06/2018 10:47

Would adoption be an option?

ghostyslovesheets · 21/06/2018 10:48

have you checked your tax credit entitlement - lone parents get support with childcare which might help

JeNeBaguetteRien · 21/06/2018 10:48

I don't know Sella, but if you're asking this can you delay your appointment by a few days and maybe seek counselling? Not trying to be patronising but it seems like maybe you're trying to convince yourself? (could be just last minute nerves).
I don't know if you'd receive any benefits or help from family.
Good luck whatever you decide 💐

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 10:48

If you really want to keep the baby could you not apply for tax credits/benefits until the littlun is at school?
Obviously not ideal but would you regret the abortion more than a few years of struggle.

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 21/06/2018 10:49

Do you know for sure how your friend stands financially?

HuntIdeas · 21/06/2018 10:49

Have you checked what benefits you would be eligible for? Especially childcare tax credits. Also, have you taken tax free childcare into account?

Barbaro · 21/06/2018 10:49

Have you looked into benefits as well that you'd be eligible for? Can you drop some luxuries? And why can't the father provide, he has to provide for his children? Are any family able to help with childcare?

Sorry you're going through this.

strawberrypenguin · 21/06/2018 10:50

Would you be entitled to any additional benefits you don't have at the moment?

Would your mortgage company re-negotiate for a mortgage break?

Could you wfh once a week to cut down on Nursery fees?

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 10:52

Could you share care with the baby's father on a 50:50 basis? Or of course you could continue the pregnancy, go on to benefits for a few years and hope to be able to return to work later. I dont think you have a way forward that doesn't involve severe financial hardship unless the father steps up.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/06/2018 10:53

To be honest I think you should cancel the appointment and rethink things. If even a small part of you thinks you could make this work then don't give yourself just a matter of hours to make the decision. In my opinion women that go ahead with abortions are often quite black and white on the matter - it's almost a welcome relief to no longer be in that position. Think very carefully.

TakeawayTakeMeAway · 21/06/2018 10:54

if you're asking this can you delay your appointment by a few days and maybe seek counselling? Not trying to be patronising but it seems like maybe you're trying to convince yourself? (could be just last minute nerves).

I second this.

FWIW I am absolutely pro-choice and have had a termination myself with no regrets. But if you're at all unsure I think it would be worth taking a little time to go through the options in more depth.

ArmySal · 21/06/2018 10:54

No further advice than that above, but hope everything works out well for you, whatever you decide

Flowerpotbicycle · 21/06/2018 10:55

You could cope and do this is you wanted to. Tax credits are a massive help... I was a single mum to my DD in a similar position and I managed it.
Abortion is not your only option, you’ll be surprised how much support you’ll get both financially and also practically from friends and family.
I thought I’d ruined my life by getting pregnant and I would never afford her etc.
8 years later she is still the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
If you want to abort then that’s absolutely your choice, but it is not the only choice if you think you want to raise this child.
Feel free to DM me if you want any support or advice xxx

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2018 10:55

If it's very early and you're not sure, delay it. It can't be undone but it can be done another day.

Does the friend know you're pregnant? What does he think?
Are there any feelings there beyond fwb?
Would he financially support the baby?

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2018 10:56

When you say he wouldn’t be able to make much of a financial contribution, do you mean he genuinely couldn’t or doesn’t want to?

Mummyof3monkeys90 · 21/06/2018 10:56

It sounds like you really are not convinced this is what you actually want and I would strongly advise to speak and see what benefits you can get and what help you can receive. If you are not 100% please do not go through with it. Maybe go to citizens advice and see how they can help? Good luck

SleepFreeZone · 21/06/2018 10:56

I agree. Don’t terminate while you still have doubts.

letsallhaveanap · 21/06/2018 10:56

yes I agree with PP... see if you can delay your appointment and seek some counselling... also try the CAB on the phone for advice about what benefits and help you could get if you did decide to keep the baby...
It sounds like your mind isnt quite made up about this and part of you does want to keep the baby... I would really delay it a bit so you can properly look into things and so rest a bit easier in your final decision whatever that may be.

Original poster

Selladoor · 21/06/2018 10:57

I'm not entitled to anything other than working tax credits. The 700 would be after tax breaks from childcare vouchers. My family would be supportive but wouldn't be able to help much with childcare due to age/health issues. Of course I'd be dropping the luxuries without question. My friend doesn't earn high so I could expect maybe 100 a month from him? Obviously there's the cost of day to day baby things to factor in also. My company are good with allowing us to work from home, but I'm not sure if get much done with a young baby around! I think a big part of me does want this child, but I just literally can't see an option without it resulting in me ending my career and living on benefits. I love my job and have come far in my career. I do not want to be a SAHM, it's just not for me. Arghhh I so wish they would allow the free hours from when maternity leave ends rather than when they turned 3! It's the 3 years in the interim that would ruin me.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2018 10:59

How many weeks are you?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2018 10:59

Does he know?

Original poster

Selladoor · 21/06/2018 11:00

Thank you all for the replies. Maybe delaying is a good idea. Does anyone know how I arrange counselling, are there pregnancy specialists? Only reason I've kept the appt today is I'm still v early on (conceived 4 weeks ago) and I thought it would be emotionally easier to cope with early on.

OP posts:

BlooperReel · 21/06/2018 11:01

Explore tax free childcare and cost it that way, tax credits, speak to your friend re financial assistance, take child benefit into consideration. Look at your outgoings, are there any bills you can cut or renegotiate e.g. Sky, internet, phone contract, insurances, moving credit card debt onto one of those offers where you get 6 months+ interest free. Do you have any stuff to sell to help fund maternity leave?

Do you have family who may assist with childcare even if its one or two days a week?

All things to look at to help paint a bigger picture.

for you OP, whatever you decide.

Thadeus · 21/06/2018 11:01

Let the Father raise the child, you would of course have to pay maintenance.

peartreeishappy · 21/06/2018 11:01

Would a childminder be more affordable than a nursery for you?

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