To ask you if there's any other option than abortion?

[Selladoor]

I realise AIBU is a highly inappropriate place to post this, but I'm booked in for an appointment for a termination of a very early pregnancy this afternoon but I'm posting in a last ditch attempt in case there's some option I've missed.

I was told 5 years ago I was highly unlikely to conceive again. Was ok with this, have one DC with my exH. This was a casual thing with a friend. He'd be there, but wouldnt be able to make much in the way of financial contribution. I have debts, I work FT, can afford to pay everything now and a few humble luxuries. BUT add into the mix childcare costs which I've worked out would be around 700 a month, and I just couldn't cope. So I'd get to the end of my maternity leave and literally not be able to afford to go back to work. Which in turn would mean I couldn't pay the mortgage or meet other financial commitments. Am I missing some obvious option here, anyone have any genius ideas??

All posts welcome, any judgmental comments won't bother or insult me either... water off a ducks back at this point in time!!

You can make money from your house without feeling invaded, by having short lets, or mon to fri, there are agencies who will find 'guests' business people, tutors, language students. Give them the bigger bedroom and don't let them in your living room, you can even put microwave, fridge, toaster and kettle in a room. Rent your place and get a smaller cheaper flat to rent for yourself?....
Look at interest only mortgage or extending term, talk to your lender.
Or try to get someone for a cheap rent who will do some child care, mature student or another parent? Au pair will help with child care and housework but will cost you, perhaps less than minder or nursery.
I think you should look at options if you are undecided, you still have time. Is this last chance for you, given previous advice and maybe your age? Don't do it in a panic, if you have thought about it and it's the right decision you will go ahead with confidence. Good luck

Please post on the adoption board

Is this definitely only going to be a financial issue for the first 3, or even 2, years of the child's life? As in, after that you expect to be able to meet all your bills without significant problems?

If so, I would start by talking to your mortgage provider to see if you work out a solution together (e.g. interest only payments for that period). They are likely to be helpful as it is a temporary issue. If not then as you have a 3 bed house then I would definitely be looking into downsizing as a temporary solution to release cash and then upsizing again once the child is older and money is less tight.

Metoodear, why post on the adoption board? OP has not indicated this is something she is exploring and I find it as pressurising as pushing her to terminate. Clearly all the communication indicates she is enquiringly as to how she would financially cope

Just want to say that I had a termination when ds was a few months old- breastfeeding and mini pill but I caught. Financially I knew we couldn't do it. Do I regret it? In one way yes as not a day goes by I don't think about my baby. However I still know I made the right decision in the circumstances. Good Luck.

I'm glad you have postponed too. It sounds like termination is a reasonable solution but not one you deep down want. No need to rush. Definitely no judgement. I was a working single parent with a mortgage for 5 years, in a good job with a few debts and very little access to help or benefits, and there is no sugar coating it, it is HARD.

Is there any possibilty of a mortgage holiday for a period of your maternity, and is it worth talking to your employer about flexitime?

If you drop back to a certain level of part time, tax or universal credit will probably increase, so I dropped to 30 hours a week which cut my salary a touch and kickstarted childcare credits. If you cut back and add in some flexi, he could do some evening care while you work, meaning you keep up with your career as much as possible for the first couple of years. I use a childminder for after school care and will also use her when my next mat leave runs out and she is considerably cheaper than a nursery setting which also helps.

Also some debt consolidation might help - as a PP says, it may extend your repayment terms but give you a bit more breathing space until child is in school. Good luck whatever you decide.

Debts can be put on hold, lenders can freeze interest and you make tiny repayments. It does affect credit rating. Sort mortgage first, then speak to cab or debt help charity (stepwise, stepchange??). See Martin Lewis website

The job of a young au pair is NOT to provide full time childcare for two young children in exchange for a roof over her head and a few quid a week.

Live in smaller property.
Rent out one or two rooms.

You are going to have to do something to cover extra costs for first few years.

Have a long frank talk with your friend about what life would look like if you kept the baby. Would he step up as a co-parent? Would he contribute financially? Would his parents help perhaps?

Think about work. Could you drop to 4 days a week? Or 3?

Think about childcare. Can you use a childminder rather than nursery? Are there any options around help from others?

Good luck

Fair enough - I haven't done any research into au pairs myself as we don't own a house - was just throwing up options. Of course all must be considered and researched by the OP, not just taken as gospel from an internet thread!

Sorry ideas rather than options. Clearly to be an option it has to be feasible! There are any number of reasons why a suggestion in the thread may not be feasible.

I’m glad you’ve delayed. Look at consolidation of your debts into say a 10 year loan/remortgage. If finances weren’t an issue would you still be contemplating a termination? Would the dad want to be involved practically? What’s the situation with his family? Would they help? Speak to someone at DWp and see what benefits you would actually be entitled to. Best of luck op.

Could you look into getting an overseas student for your spare room and therefore bringing some extra money in?

I know of two or three friends who did this and they're still in contact years later.

They are often adults who come over here to learn or teach English and so need very little 'looking after'. Just a thought

This sounds like mainly a financial problem. Is that the case? If you could make the finances work, would you want the baby? Have a chat with the dad - could he earn more? The early years are tight but they don't last long. My own 'plan b' was a credit card! Honestly it gets so much easier financially and practically as they grow up a tiny bit.

I hear lots and lots of people saying "this must be possible, you can stretch, you can make it work". I want to say - maybe you can't. How about a visit to CAB to understand what your entitlements would be for tax credits and help from the government. I think you need to work this out assuming the father would not help financially as it sounds like you are dubious that he can or that he'd be willing. If you think having the baby would result in your being left in massively difficult straights then perhaps not having the baby really is the way to go.
In your circumstances where having a baby would significantly reduce the quality of life for me and my existing child for many years to come I would choose to terminate.

Completely understand you not wanting to have a lodger, I really do. Do you have any equity in the house, is remortgaging to release some cash a possibility? Would you be ok financially once you get past the initial 3 years? Is your exh paying the proper amount of cm for your dc? I’m not saying he should subsidise your decision, but if he’s only paying £20 and should be paying £300 then it’s not fair that you’re covering more of the costs.

Sorry for the 3 billion questions.

How old is your existing child? As you should think about the child you already have, its unfair on them to be consigned to poverty for years when it could be avoided

You really need to just be worrying about the period between when you have to return to work and age 3 when they get 30 free hours. Surely you’d get childcare tax credits, or is your income too high for that? Have you done the tax credits calculator to see what you’d be entitled to? Could you remortgage to release some equity for those couple of years?

You should go after the guy for maintenance, but if he doesn’t earn much then he can’t give you much. It’s so difficult.

Part time working might be better financially, anyone you know you could do childcare sharing with if you did work part time?

We had planned everything out but I randomly ended up having twins so that threw all plans out of the window.

Could you rent out your three bed and rent a two bed temporarily? Though depends how big your mortgage is whether that would be financially helpful. Or see if you could make the mortgage interest-only for a few years?

Selladoor, I'm massively pro choice - but it sounds to me like your choice, in the absence of financial constraints, would be to continue your pregnancy and have a child.

I'm a single parent who manages everything out of one modest income (admittedly my mortgage is small).

My main advice would be phone the tax credits people with your income details and find out how much you could expect to get as the childcare part of working tax credits. It should work out much more than tax relief on childcare costs via childcare vouchers (when mine was small, I was getting 70% of the costs of childcare met through tax credits, not the 25% or so the vouchers would have given me - my take home at the time was below national median, but not by a great deal). NB as far as I'm aware it's an either/or choice - but tax credits are by far the more cost effective choice. If my experience is any guide, your £700 pm costs would involve a payment of just over £200 from your pocket, which might be a manageable amount.

My childcare is 700 a month and tax credits gives me 800 total (about 250 ctc + 550 wtc) on top of a wage of £1300/month as a single parent with one child. wtc gives up to 70% of £175 a week childcare, you need to use the tax credis calculator and put in the details you will have in the future

Thanks again everyone. I probably do need to look at tax credits in greater detail. I earn about 2200 a month but my outgoings are high. It's also worth me looking at reducing those as suggested, not too concerned if I damage my credit rating for a while.

I went to the appointment but I've delayed until next week so I'll be able to really weigh up my options in that time.

As a PP said, take a look at Martin Lewis' site moneysavingexpert.com, in particular the Debt-Free Wannabe section of the forum on there. It's full of tips and hints and some really helpful, knowledgeable folk on there.

Thank you, I definitely will do.

Also for pp asking, yes exh is a good un and contributes his fair share