To ask you if there's any other option than abortion?

[Selladoor]

I realise AIBU is a highly inappropriate place to post this, but I'm booked in for an appointment for a termination of a very early pregnancy this afternoon but I'm posting in a last ditch attempt in case there's some option I've missed.

I was told 5 years ago I was highly unlikely to conceive again. Was ok with this, have one DC with my exH. This was a casual thing with a friend. He'd be there, but wouldnt be able to make much in the way of financial contribution. I have debts, I work FT, can afford to pay everything now and a few humble luxuries. BUT add into the mix childcare costs which I've worked out would be around 700 a month, and I just couldn't cope. So I'd get to the end of my maternity leave and literally not be able to afford to go back to work. Which in turn would mean I couldn't pay the mortgage or meet other financial commitments. Am I missing some obvious option here, anyone have any genius ideas??

All posts welcome, any judgmental comments won't bother or insult me either... water off a ducks back at this point in time!!

Speak to the Father, find out exactly his position.

Go through the benefits calculator and work out everything available to you. Factor in Child Benefit.

Consolidate your debts with a loan over a very long period of time? Re-mortgage?

Speak to work with regards to PT work for a few years and calculate if that make things more affordable.

And in all this consider how you will manage if it comes to just only depending on yourself. Ultimately that is all you know you have for sure.

As a single parent I’ve always had 70% of my childcare costs paid for by tax credits. I believe it’s 80% under universal credit.

If you want the baby but can't afford to look after it, how about open adoption, or even fostercare

Don't just ask the father about money, ask him about a time commitment too. Does he work full time?

Yeah from 2 if you claim benefits I think. I think mine would be from 3. I'm going to go to the appointment and confirm my doubts and see if I can rearrange for next week, it'll give me a bit more time to explore options. Thank you all for your lovely, non-judgemental posts, you've been pivotal in my decision to delay

CMS will sort out that side. He doesn’t get a choice in finances.

I'd only be able to take 4 months maternity as I couldn't afford any more. He works full time yes but doesn't earn very much. His working hours aren't fixed, it's quite reactive so it's harder for him to commit time. I have a 3 bed but to be honest I don't think I want anyone else living here. Its a good option but I've just heard too many horror stories

I could maybe rent out my neighbour's drive

Barbarian makes a valid point. Men can step away and do all the time.

Abortion may be your most valid choice even with regrets but it’s got to be your choice op.

I agree with those who say you are not quite ready to proceed and advocate delay.
On a purely emotional level can you spend 2 or 3 days imagining keeping the pregnancy followed by imagining being without the pregnancy & determine whether your overwhelming feeling is sadness or relief at the prospect?
Can you ask to speak to the health visitor for your local surgery for counselling & practical advice?
As regards baby items there are plenty of second hand options via facebook/ NCT. The main thing I guess would be your job & the effect on your current child & how you would feel giving up work.
Make a list of pros/cons

You really dont sound like you want to do this.
Please check out the tax credits as you will get up to 70% of tax childcare paid by them plus tax credits and child benefit if you are working 16 hrs a week.
You could go to CAB and see about reducing loan payments to minimum in the meantime. Many companies will take this as opposed to them not being paid at all. You could also take a payment holiday from the mortgage company and then pay interest only for a while. I did when left on my own to pay everything with 2 kids. They were very good and arranged it without any fuss.

I agree arrange a postponement until you have looked at every angle and if you still want to go ahead thats your decision to make.

Good luck whatever you chose to do.

Could you downsize to a 2 bed with a smaller mortgage? I honestly would prefer to live in e.g. a 2 bed flat that I could comfortably afford than struggling in a bigger house. And of course you can always upsize again when circumstances are more favourable.

if he works ft but is a low earner, could you save more by him cutting back to 3 days a week and doing 2 days of childcare and that being his contribution?

Put it off a few days and explore more options. Go to one of those counselling places that helps people for whom the finances are driving their choice. You're still early, and a couple more days or another week to make sure you've made the right choice is worth it.

Can you switch to interest only or extend your mortgage term for a few years Op?

You are at such an early stage that it really is worth cancelling this appointment and either researching your potential options WRT work and family/friends or finding a professional to talk it all through with.

I am also hugely pro choice, but having a termination you would rather not have can be very distressing (of course, having a termination you are sure that you want to have is fine and often a great relief).

Please think about it first. I was in the exact same boat. I already had one child but she was 3, was very manageable with family as she was well behaved. I didnt qualify for any tax credits due to being a high earner, even though like you I had debts, mortgage etc. I really did feel there was no option, and kept my pregnancy a secret until 26 weeks until there really was no hiding her. Still until that point, I had no idea what I was going to do! Now, six years later, my mum refers to her as "the one who nearly got away", and was dreadfully upset that I didnt reach out to her for help and advice during these moments which you're now having. My family are elderly, but even at the age of 82, my grandparents (my childrens grandparents) have my girls one day a week during every school holiday. Speak to them, they might be more help than you think they possibly could be. I honestly do think you'll regret it if there already are doubts.

sella, does the man also have any chance to switch to a fixed hours job so he can do childcare? I think you need to talk to him again too to see if he's willing to make any changes or is inflexible. Does HE have any decent family that might do childcare?

Hi OP - I'm really sorry for your tough situation right now. The circumstances you describe sound really hard. Is there or could there be any potential extended family support in any form....childcare etc?

Do you own a large interest in your house? You could downsize/move to a cheaper area/go into rebtal and use the equity you get out of your house to meet the shortfall. What about your partners parents? Could they help with childcare? Good luck with it. This isn't easy but you seem be approaching it very well

I'm glad you've postponed.

Would you be able to have a frank talk with him? For example, he may not earn much but would his family be in a position to help out? You could mention that you'd be happy to look at less/no maintenance in the future in exchange for extra input into nursery fees.

Also family. There may be a way to make things easier. For example, if family are close, you could possibly negotiate two days working from home, but have the baby with them during those days? So you'd be on hand to swoop in, but would be free to work? Then there is his family, is it worth asking him?

Good luck, I too get the impression that you really would like there to be another option and I really hope you work something out.

Check your options - you can claim child-care from aged 2 depending on your circumstances.

Honestly, ring up the DWP and chat through your financial options with them before you make your final decision.

Good luck

Sorry just seen this has been discussed - was in a rush to post! Best of luck

What about a live-in au pair until the free hours kick in? I know you said ideally you wouldn't have somebody living with you but possibly as au pairs tend to be young and technically you are employing them, it might be a different situation to a lodger.

Re the father and childcare/costs: Think about it this way - if society was structured differently and after you had the baby, he was the one making the assumption he'd be caring for the baby full time/seeking childcare to enable him to work, and so he was making these same calculations and sacrifices, what would he do? If abortion wasn't an option to him (for the sake of the discussion). It might be worth having that hypothetical conversation about how he'd make it work if it was his sole responsibility - then you've both looked at the worst case, impossible scenarios of doing it alone and you may be able to see more clearly how you might be able to make it work by sharing that instead.

Be aware folk are advising about tax credits but if you're in a universal credit area you might end up with this instead. But it's absolutely true if you're claiming working tax credits and working more than 16 hours, you can get help with childcare (not just the tax vouchers). However for a full time role it won't be 70%. There is a cap on it. When I was in this situation I found it would cost me more to work full time and I had to work only part time - stupid situation but there you go. Would it be worth exploring part time options in your field temporarily? Or possibly working from home for part of the week - but I think you're absolutely right to question what you'd get done with a baby around. If the WFH could be flexible, perhaps you could combine WFH with the father doing some childcare when he is available? If WFH would mean you needing to be available at certain times then this won't work very well. I wonder if there's any chance he could structure some of his work more predictably, if not all of it, in order to coincide/for him to have some days he's responsible for nursery costs because he knows he'll be working then. Or give himself set days "off" which would coincide with your WFH days so he can take the baby.

I realise it might not be an option/may cost more, but downsize, possibly to a cheaper area? Or sell and rent? Let out your house and rent somewhere cheaper? Last one could be temporary as well as you could move back in later when your financial situation has improved.

Is there any way you could be in for a pay rise or promotion at work, is that something you could push? Or look at a sideways move using your skills but in a more family friendly (or lucrative, either way) area so you can transfer back later? Something like consulting rather than doing the work itself.

Get a loan or remortgage to cover the gap between the childcare costs and your earnings? Not forgetting of course to factor in the repayments into your outgoings - but could then pay off faster once you're getting more of the nursery hours/school? Possibly look into consolidating existing debts into a smaller monthly payment even if it means you'll be paying off for years and years. Might not be the most sound financial decision ever but given you know the period of hardship has a fixed end point, it might be a workable solution.

Bertie
An au pair should not be left in sole charge of a baby under 2 for more than a couple of hours. Even then they should have experience and knowledge of what to do in an emergency and basic first aid. This isnt a viable solution for op.

Oh had another thought, since your work is flexible, could you work 12 hour days 3 days a week and get 2 days off? And work from home the 3 days, put the child to a nursery for the morning and they can sleep in the afternoon or the father/family might be able to take them?