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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you if there's any other option than abortion?

122 replies

Selladoor · 21/06/2018 10:44

I realise AIBU is a highly inappropriate place to post this, but I'm booked in for an appointment for a termination of a very early pregnancy this afternoon but I'm posting in a last ditch attempt in case there's some option I've missed.

I was told 5 years ago I was highly unlikely to conceive again. Was ok with this, have one DC with my exH. This was a casual thing with a friend. He'd be there, but wouldnt be able to make much in the way of financial contribution. I have debts, I work FT, can afford to pay everything now and a few humble luxuries. BUT add into the mix childcare costs which I've worked out would be around 700 a month, and I just couldn't cope. So I'd get to the end of my maternity leave and literally not be able to afford to go back to work. Which in turn would mean I couldn't pay the mortgage or meet other financial commitments. Am I missing some obvious option here, anyone have any genius ideas??

All posts welcome, any judgmental comments won't bother or insult me either... water off a ducks back at this point in time!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Selladoor · 21/06/2018 11:01

Yes he knows. He's been supportive to me but hasn't made any grand gestures with offers of financial help so I don't hold out much hope there really!

OP posts:
eeanne · 21/06/2018 11:02

I think it depends on the circumstances kind of. You were told you were "highly unlikely to conceive" that's not the same as infertile or impossible. Were you using protection and had a contraceptive failure? If so then you were obviously trying your hardest not to get pregnant and this is a bit of an accident.

But if you weren't using anything and you knew there was a chance of pregnancy, then perhaps you were slightly open to the idea? In which case I would definitely suggest you delay the appointment a week (if you're still early enough) and think about it carefully. You can do it later and then you'll know you fully considered it.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 11:05

Dont wait for grand gestures! Call him over tonight, tell him you're thinking of keeping the pregnancy and ask him what he's going to contribute (with a starting point of lots - dont be afraid to use the the words "that's not enough")

LiteraryDevil1 · 21/06/2018 11:10

Tax credits, working tax credits and child maintenance. Or if not working then income support, tax credits, working tax credits, child benefit and maintenance. I've got 3 kids, debts that cost me £300 a month, rent of £850 a month and don't work. Maintenance is key. When I go back to work I'll get working tax credits and will be much better off but for now I can afford not to work and my kids need me at home as their dad's are a waste of space.

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2018 11:10

You don’t want grand gestures. You want to know exactly what he will do to support his baby should it be born. You need to ask the questions.

postcardsfrom · 21/06/2018 11:10

I second the people saying delay until you're sure. You don;t seem sure. A sibling might be a wonderful thing for your DC. And the father will have to pay maintainence - more than you think. His circumstances may also change for the better financially.
You seem to need time to make sure termination is the right thing to do, it would be an awful thing to live with regret.

beachysandy81 · 21/06/2018 11:10

Maybe explore the working from home option more - how flexible is your work? How many days could you work from home and do you need to be contactable or could you work in the evening if you needed to? The days you work from home you could maybe put your baby in nursery for just the morning as they usually sleep in the afternoon especially after being at nursery all morning.

Barbaro · 21/06/2018 11:11

Yes get him over. If you're keeping the baby he has to provide and support you. Of course he may disappear and you'll never hear from him again.

Are you sure that's all your eligible for? What about selling your home and moving in with family for the 3 years until its easier for you?

I would speak to specialists to find out if you can get more. You might be surprised at what you can claim.

postcardsfrom · 21/06/2018 11:12

You don't have to 'hold out hope' that you'll get money from the father - there's a legal process to make sure you do and unless he's a complete tool he won;t try to duck and dive out of it.

Iwantaunicorn · 21/06/2018 11:12

Do you have a spare room for a lodger? You can earn £7500 a year tax free, which is £625 a month. I know your utilities would increase a bit, but I wouldn’t think it would go up by much. Could your DC share with you if you have a 2 bed? Coupled with CM, this could help make up the shortfall?

💐 for you, whichever way you decide.

Slightlyjaded · 21/06/2018 11:14

You don't sound like someone who 'wants' a termination, rather someone who is looking for any reason not to.

Please hold off.

You need to speak to your friend and ask him to be clear about what financial support he can offer? Tell him you really don't want to abort but are considering it because of money.

Can you speak to your employer about any sort of working from home option a couple of days a week once the baby is born?

Do you have any family that might tide you over until you are better fixed to become self-sufficient again.

Crunchymum · 21/06/2018 11:15

He doesn't need to make grand gestures, he needs to tell you what he will be able to do to make this work.

Your reasons for termination are very valid but if you aren't sure then don't do it today.

Give yourself space to breath, seek some professional support and see how the land lies in a week or so?

Whipsmart · 21/06/2018 11:17

If you want to have this baby, have ir, otherwise you'll regret it forever. There will always be SOME way you can manage (I agree the father should be your first port of call when looking for financial support!)

Outnotdown · 21/06/2018 11:19

FlowersBrew you have time to think this over and really make your mind up about which decision is best. Slow down a bit.

The father has a responsibility, this is not all on you.

Good luck

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 11:20

Not sure about that postcards. Lots of men just don't pay maintenance. OP should talk to the father but not balance her budget on an expection that an unwilling man cam be made to pay.

Equally no employer is going to let her "work from home" whilst simultaneously caring for a baby.

Butterflykissess · 21/06/2018 11:21

i wouldnt have this baby relying on him, promises get broken. even if he says he will help and be there, he can easily fuck off aswell. (speaking from bitter experience!)

lapetitesiren · 21/06/2018 11:23

Agree with pp that you should delay if you aren't sure. You can access free counselling from life charity who also offer practical solutions to help people who want to keep babies in difficult circumstances. They are national. If you are in Gloucestershire footsteps counselling and care offer free counselling.
I hope you find a solution that you are comfortable with.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2018 11:25

I'd keep the appointment, OP. It's just not doable and you're at such an early stage it will be easier now than later. More time isn't going to bring more money. This guy sounds financially useless, tbh. You and your existing child will struggle for years and years to come.

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2018 11:27

Also, bear in mind that many people have abortions with regret, but still knowing that it is the right thing to do. It’s fine to be sad about it. And avoid Life like the plague.

NC4Now · 21/06/2018 11:30

When I was a single parent to nursery age children it was more viable for me financially to work part time. It was easier to cope practically too.
Does your DDs dad contribute enough? I’m guessing your childcare bill is based on 2 DCs.

Neverender · 21/06/2018 11:31

Wait and think it over. You'll lose nothing by taking more time to make this decision.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 21/06/2018 11:39

Talk to the father. As far as possible you need him on board, both financially and emotionally, so that you're not facing this alone. Childcare payments are not your sole responsibility and you should not go into this considering them as such.

Would moving to cheaper accommodation be an option, to reduce your mortgage? Or a lodger, if you have a spare room?

Take proper advice on absolutely every benefit you would be entitled to. And talk to your workplace and whoever your mortgage is with to see if there is any advice or support available there. Step Change is supposed to be good for advice on debt, as you mention debts.

Do you have a supportive family? Can they help you - practically, financially, as well as emotionally? Any chance of financial help, even a loan, or the possibility of moving in with family for a while, or help with childcare?

HyggeHeart · 21/06/2018 11:42

I think the free hours is changing to when they are 2 isn't it? I'm sure this is what my sil is getting x

Nousernameforme · 21/06/2018 11:43

He doesn't necessarily need to pay to help. If he could take baby for three week days during your working hours that would drastically reduce your child care bill. If you take the full 12 months maternity then you only need to cover 2 years.
Could he move in with you as friends? Pay half on bills rather than paying for his own place?

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