Mums disappointed that I don’t want takeaway, WWYD?

[DinosaurAgain]

Name change for this.

It’s my birthday today. I had nothing planned for today and have gone to work as normal.

Mum decided she was going to take me out for a meal on Sunday as a belated celebration along with my DD (3), my brother and my granddad. Mum then decided she couldn’t afford to pay for everyone so asked if I could pay for mine and DDs. Said I could and we chose a local pub which suited the budget.

Just had a call from my mum to say she’s changed her mind as the footballs on so she’s not taking us out anymore but is instead going to get a takeaway. I’ll still have to pay for mine and DDs meals.
I don’t want a takeaway. For several reasons, a) I’ve never found one that I like as much as restaurant cooking or my own, b) I don’t like the salt content for either DD or I and c) I can usually make the same cheaper at home. Also it was supposed to be a treat for my birthday; I can get a takeaway any day of the week – there’s a Chinese and a fish and chip shop at the end of my road. I rarely go to restaurants as it seems such a waste just going me and DD so was looking forward to it. I’m also not bothered about the football.

So I said that I’d rather make my own at home and they could enjoy their takeaway while watching the match. I actually save myself money this way as I already have a chicken and a shoulder of pork in my freezer so I’d just need vegetables.

Mums disappointed apparently, says it’s not fair and I need to celebrate my birthday somehow. She has also text me since hanging up saying that she was looking forward to a “chilled” day with me and can’t I compromise this once?
I really am not bothered about a takeaway, to me it’s not a treat it’s a meal that you have when you don’t want to cook/haven’t got the time to cook. I rarely have one and DD has never had one (to my knowledge she may have had one when she goes to her dads/grandparents – she’s got some SN so probably won’t be able to tell me).

WWYD? Do I go and have the takeaway or make my own at home?

ToftyAC I'm studying assertiveness and learning to set boundaries having been a wet limp not even rag all my life. Please may I copy your reply and learn it by heart? Also "cuntybollocks" has just expanded my vocabulary very nicely. Thank you very much.

just repeating your excellent speech:
@dontguessthis
If you are, in fact, the OPs mother then you suck. My own departed mother was a bit of a cuntybollocks sometimes, but never would she have put my birthday before the footie or made me pay for some shit I didn’t want. A chilled out day? GTFO
by ToftyAC, Poet laureate MNet.

Go out to dinner as planned with your daughter and leave them to suit themselves. It’s your birthday. It’s the one day you can be selfish without feeling guilty.

Dontguessthis Pretty stupid name isn't it, considering you've said you are the OP's mother?

How could you possibly change the first arrangement from

1. Birthday Pub Meal which suited your budget, then

2. You ask your daughter - for whom you were holding the celebration - to pay for her own and her little child's meals! then

1. You tell her you are not going out for a meal after all, you will stay at your home.

4. you will have a takeaway meal, your daughter must still pay for hers and her daughter's. because

1. You want to watch football.

What do all those changes from the initial plan tell you?

Does it tell you that you were making arrangements for your daughter's birthday celebrations especially so she could be happy?

Who decided on these changes?
Was the Birthday Girl consulted about the changes or just told what they were?
Why were the changes made?

For whose needs or wishes were these changes made?

Who was getting all their own way by making all the changes?
and finally
Who had to lose out by all the changes?

If that does not reveal to you what a self-centred, self-serving and selfish woman you are, you must have serious problems other than your narcissistic view of the world.

It is beyond belief that you could say:
We just want to make it a happy day. The last thing I would want to see is you plastering this all over the world wide internet, for everyone to pass me off as a selfish, self centred mother.

You have the nerve to write the above! (Assuming you are the mother of the OP). You wanted to make it a happy day for whom? How would it be a happy day for your daughter, whose birthday you are pretending to celebrate, when you;

make her pay for her food and her daughter's
make her eat food she does not like
make her sit in your house and not go to a pub meal which she was looking forward to.
you sit and watch TV which is hardly spending time with her
You watch football on TV which does not interest her.

So how happy were you planning to make your daughter, whose birthday you are celebrating (although you've asked her to pay for her own food)?

You are a very selfish, narcissistic and manipulative woman. You do not deserve to have a loving daughter and little grand daughter. I hope your daughter is becoming more assertive and able to survive without this selfish and thoughtless family. I do not like to think her daughter will grow up to think the way you behave is normal or the way you treat her mother is acceptable. You are an abusive narcissistic mother. Your daughter will be far happier without contact with you if she should so wish. If she does keep in touch I hope she sets very firm boundaries so you know how you may treat her and most importantly, how not to treat her.

As for her "plastering this all over the internet", it is hardly surprising that she turned to a group of people she does not know personally but is familiar with their wonderful immediacy of response and how so very many of them are kind, caring, concerned and compassionate people with morals and standards upon which she can rely. Think about it! Her own mother has treated her so badly and upset her so much, your own daughter has turned to strangers she does not know for support, advice and comfort. How do you feel about that?

Now read their replies and learn.

Having a birthday on a wednesday is rubbish. Having a belated birthday on a sunday with footbalk in the mix is rubbish number two. Having a birthday celeibration four days after birthday with takeaway you dont want which you have to pay for is demented. I get the salty takeaway thing...totally with you. Your Mums messed up good and proper no thought to how you feel....spa...hair done ..football and salt free next year? Job done!!! Have a great day op !!

dontgetthis well dont you win a gold star at birthday celebration ruining...

Make your own unless your mum does the socially normal thing of buying her daughter a meal for her birthday- which she suggested in the first instance.

Ineedacupofteadesperately I think you saw the deeper problem straight away. This is a terrible mother who manipulates her daughter and spoils her son and has the family revolving around her wants and desires. The OP would be wise to distance herself and gain more self-respect. Hard to do when your own mother does not respect you but puts you at the very bottom of the heap. I think DinosaurAgain is not even able to be aware of how her mother abuses her because she has suffered it all her life and to her it is normal. Now we are giving a wider perspective in our replies it might help her be in charge of her own life. I thought when she said she neither liked nor disliked football but wouldn't mind it being on in someone else's house but she would not know the score, it was a big giveaway that she isn't really in touch with her own likes and dislikes or makes them a very low priority. It is typical of a daughter of a mother who is narcissistic and also favours one child over the other. The used and abused child does not grow up to know they have rights or to fight for themselves or even see when they are being put-upon and taken for granted. I think you glimpsed this in the OP.

I grew up like this then much later in life I did a psychology degree and some more psych qualifications and learned a lot about how I'd been abused. I always had depression, but just thought it was just me, and my dad too (very like me - bullied by my mother, and worse...) then I learned to understand the dynamics of my family and started to learn how to recognise narcissists and how to set boundaries. I dod some work with a charity and saw many people with mothers like this OP's mother. I do hope she does not give in to this woman too often. On Gransnet there are Grans in their 60s, with elderly mothers who are still bullying them! We all need to learn how to set boundaries..
Anyway, I thought you were brilliant!

i

DinosaurAgain I feel very guilty about talking about you!! It ws positive and supportive though! As I was writing I wished I'd said it directly to you! For brevity it might be easiest to ask you to read my message to Ineedacupofteadesperately above, and please forgive me for talking in front of you like that!

I do hope your week end goes ok. Only you know how best to deal with things, especially in this short-term. I have a sneaking suspicion but obviously don't know, that your mum is taking advantage of you all the time and you are so used to it you feel as if it's normal. There are quite a few YouTubes about narcissism and narcissistic mothers and about setting boundaries. I like Stephanie Lyn just for a start. There are many.
Your mum may not be an out and out narcissist, but the "whole other thread" about your non working brother sent a red flag flying for me. Other things too like how she has got you feeling guilty when it is she who changed everything without any concern for your preferences and it's supposed to be your birthday! Plus the obvious, she pays for 2 other adults but not her daughter on her birthday celebration... And if you are on benefits you do get some money, so don't be too sympathetic!

Please start putting yourself first. Learn to be in touch with your own feelings and needs. Take care (((hug)))

I would have snapped and farted.

Dontguessthis
If you are the OPs mother please understand that you should be ashamed. But ashamed of yourself not of being outed. It’s her birthday and you have disappointed her. You’ve made her special day about everything except her. You should hang your head, apologise and ask for forgiveness for failing her. That is all

Ellyess
You are right of course
Part of me just doesn't want the text drama that could ensue once I decide to drop out; but at the end of the day, we had plans, they've made a complete change to those plans and as they know me very well, they know there's nothing I'd want to do (not in a snobby way just not my thing really) so questioning why they didn't just do all that in the first place.
I shall send a polite text in the morning.

EllenOlenska You're absolutely right. Don't have a drama. I suppose I feel it's not fair that you can't say why you won't be going. I wasn't suggesting being rude or starting a row, I usually say speak in a very neutral way. But I can see that if you even say that her changing everything is the reason it might set her off and cause a drama which would be unpleasant for you.

I know you know best and will handle it the right way! I just felt really upset for you! I hope you have a good day and do things you enjoy.

Ellyess
I sent; I'm going to drop out of the day out plans, something else has come up. I'd love to arrange another time as we originally planned just let me know when. Really hope you and xxxx enjoy your day"

I got a "no worries, such a shame. I'll get back to you with some dates once I get my next rota"

Can't help thinking they are relieved! lol
for me then!

OP, so what did you end up doing?