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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mums disappointed that I don’t want takeaway, WWYD?

189 replies

DinosaurAgain · 20/06/2018 12:22

Name change for this.

It’s my birthday today. I had nothing planned for today and have gone to work as normal.

Mum decided she was going to take me out for a meal on Sunday as a belated celebration along with my DD (3), my brother and my granddad. Mum then decided she couldn’t afford to pay for everyone so asked if I could pay for mine and DDs. Said I could and we chose a local pub which suited the budget.

Just had a call from my mum to say she’s changed her mind as the footballs on so she’s not taking us out anymore but is instead going to get a takeaway. I’ll still have to pay for mine and DDs meals.
I don’t want a takeaway. For several reasons, a) I’ve never found one that I like as much as restaurant cooking or my own, b) I don’t like the salt content for either DD or I and c) I can usually make the same cheaper at home. Also it was supposed to be a treat for my birthday; I can get a takeaway any day of the week – there’s a Chinese and a fish and chip shop at the end of my road. I rarely go to restaurants as it seems such a waste just going me and DD so was looking forward to it. I’m also not bothered about the football.

So I said that I’d rather make my own at home and they could enjoy their takeaway while watching the match. I actually save myself money this way as I already have a chicken and a shoulder of pork in my freezer so I’d just need vegetables.

Mums disappointed apparently, says it’s not fair and I need to celebrate my birthday somehow. She has also text me since hanging up saying that she was looking forward to a “chilled” day with me and can’t I compromise this once?
I really am not bothered about a takeaway, to me it’s not a treat it’s a meal that you have when you don’t want to cook/haven’t got the time to cook. I rarely have one and DD has never had one (to my knowledge she may have had one when she goes to her dads/grandparents – she’s got some SN so probably won’t be able to tell me).

WWYD? Do I go and have the takeaway or make my own at home?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/06/2018 12:35

says it’s not fair and I need to celebrate my birthday somehow

Yep, it's not fair at all, I'd agree. Your mum is a selfish mare... even on your birthday.

justilou1 · 20/06/2018 12:35

How exactly is you schlepping out with your kid, causing your kid stress, paying for a meal neither of you want, causing more stress, watching football neither of you are interested in, causing even more stress a blood treat for YOUR birthday? Stay home!

Hullygully · 20/06/2018 12:35

I really can't understand why on earth you don't want to spend your birthday watching men kicking a ball around whilst eating something you don't want and don't like and have also paid for yourself.

shiklah · 20/06/2018 12:36

Your DM has lost the plot here.

She was taking you out for a meal for your birthday, now she is watching the football with her DF, and DS but you have to go and pay and pay for 2 meals you don't want and watch something you don't want to please her?

Madness

Fishface77 · 20/06/2018 12:39

Your mums horrid.
What isn’t she paying for you and brother and grandad pay for their own?

DinosaurAgain · 20/06/2018 12:40

My brother doesn't work so that'll be why she's paying for him (a whole other thread). No idea why she wants to pay for my granddads though.

OP posts:
MeMyShelfandIkea · 20/06/2018 12:40

Stay home, don't encourage your mum's batshittery.

Happy birthday Cake Flowers

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 20/06/2018 12:40

Just tell your mum you dont fancy watching football and eating takeaway as a birthday celebration, especially if you're having to pay for it. She should have treated you and dd and made your brother and grandad pay for themselves. She's a bit confused, you paying for yourself doing what SHE wants to do is how she may want to celebrate HER birthday, but you get to choose how you celebrate your own birthday.

Mix56 · 20/06/2018 12:40

Normally on birthdays one is given a gift, of some sort
on this occasion its you that is giving, you get to drive to her house, provide meal (takeaway or not) & watch football you don't like.
watching football is not "chilling all day".
Tell her to get you a cake, & you will come over at tea time & eat it, as you plan has changed too, someone has offered to take you out !

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 20/06/2018 12:41

oh and Happy Birthday for today x Cake

lhastingsmua · 20/06/2018 12:43

I agree with you OP, I’m not a takeaway person either unless we’re talking about a nice restaurant on Deliveroo. If we’re talking about a dodgy kebab shop on just eat with a 2/5 hygiene rating, I’m okay thanks! I don’t really see a takeaway as a treat either, it’s definitely not on the same level as eating out. Wouldn’t really say it’s a birthday treat at all

To be honest I think I’d rather spend my birthday alone (with your daughter of course) doing whatever you’d like instead. The family get together just sounds awkward already, as it seems like she’ll prioritise the football/men instead of you.

Happy birthday Cake

DarlingNikita · 20/06/2018 12:44

How exactly is you schlepping out with your kid, causing your kid stress, paying for a meal neither of you want, causing more stress, watching football neither of you are interested in, causing even more stress a blood treat for YOUR birthday? Stay home!

This!

Make something you like, have a cake or pudding or whatever, enjoy your birthday with your DD. She sounds dreadful and highly unreliable.

SaucyJack · 20/06/2018 12:44

YANBU.

Do your brother and GD like football and takeaway?

I may be way off the mark, but I'm wondering whether she thinks it's more important to keep the men sweet and that you and her should just fit in with what they want- regardless of it being your alleged birthday treat.

crumpet · 20/06/2018 12:46

Can you do both? You and dd head out for a meal at a place you’ll both enjoy, and then go round to your mums for pudding and a drink?

DinosaurAgain · 20/06/2018 12:46

Brother and granddad love football although GD is pretty easy going and wouldn't mind missing one match.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 20/06/2018 12:46

This is ridiculous, gently remind her it’s your birthday treat and maybe just reschedule to a football free night.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/06/2018 12:47

If she won’t reschedule just go out you and DD!

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 20/06/2018 12:47

Your Mum sounds awful - she is making this about everyone except you. Why don't you say, "if you want to do something to celebrate my birthday let's do something at another time that I actually would enjoy. I wouldn't enjoy what you're suggesting." and leave it at that.

If this is the usual dynamic in your relationship with your Mum I'd honestly suggest distancing yourself a bit. Asking you to pay for your own birthday 'treat' is a bit odd too and seems quite unfair and not very nice if she's paying for other people but just not you. Why doesn't she make you a cake or something? That doesn't have to cost a lot. It's a bit weird if she's got enough money to pay for a restaurant meal for your brother and Dad and herself but not enough to do something entirely different which would actually be nice for the person having the birthday (you).

Durianfruit · 20/06/2018 12:50

She wants to not feel guilty that shes doing nothing for your birthday, while not actually having to do anything. Her doing what she would normally do but just you also being present is not a birthday celebration for you.

Yup.

anotherpersona · 20/06/2018 12:50

Happy birthday !

Say no thanks watching football round at yours is not how I want to spend my weekend with DD. Compromise from your mum would be to say I'm a bit tight for money so could we take DD to a park with a cake / buy some ice-creams. Something where she is thinking about what you & DD would enjoy, not herself !

Trialsmum · 20/06/2018 12:50

I wouldn’t just on the principle that you are having to pay on your birthday and your brother and grandad aren’t. She just wants to look like she’s organised something for you but she hasn’t really.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/06/2018 12:51

So you have to celebrate your birthday, but only when, where and how it suits her. She's massively missing the point. Don't let her make you feel bad. Do precisely what you want to do. She is.

BlueSapp · 20/06/2018 12:52

You should have a treat on your birthday, but if your mum can't see that what she is suggesting isn't a treat then she doesn't deserve your company, you should go somewhere nice just you and your DD you were going to pay for yourself anyway so not costing you any extra, have a nice peaceful meal just the two of you. Happy Birthday FlowersCake

LucheroTena · 20/06/2018 12:53

Just say “no thanks we’re going out for the day”.

Elspeth12345 · 20/06/2018 12:53

How about texting her

'Hi Mum, it's so nice that you want to celebrate my birthday but I don't like takeaway food and I'm not keen on Football either. It's my special birthday weekend and if you like we could either go out for a proper restaurant meal another day of the week/end OR meet for a coffee that would be nice.

OR 'I'm not keen on takeaway for my birthday, I'll bring my cake and pop round once the football's over'