Mums disappointed that I don’t want takeaway, WWYD?

[DinosaurAgain]

Name change for this.

It’s my birthday today. I had nothing planned for today and have gone to work as normal.

Mum decided she was going to take me out for a meal on Sunday as a belated celebration along with my DD (3), my brother and my granddad. Mum then decided she couldn’t afford to pay for everyone so asked if I could pay for mine and DDs. Said I could and we chose a local pub which suited the budget.

Just had a call from my mum to say she’s changed her mind as the footballs on so she’s not taking us out anymore but is instead going to get a takeaway. I’ll still have to pay for mine and DDs meals.
I don’t want a takeaway. For several reasons, a) I’ve never found one that I like as much as restaurant cooking or my own, b) I don’t like the salt content for either DD or I and c) I can usually make the same cheaper at home. Also it was supposed to be a treat for my birthday; I can get a takeaway any day of the week – there’s a Chinese and a fish and chip shop at the end of my road. I rarely go to restaurants as it seems such a waste just going me and DD so was looking forward to it. I’m also not bothered about the football.

So I said that I’d rather make my own at home and they could enjoy their takeaway while watching the match. I actually save myself money this way as I already have a chicken and a shoulder of pork in my freezer so I’d just need vegetables.

Mums disappointed apparently, says it’s not fair and I need to celebrate my birthday somehow. She has also text me since hanging up saying that she was looking forward to a “chilled” day with me and can’t I compromise this once?
I really am not bothered about a takeaway, to me it’s not a treat it’s a meal that you have when you don’t want to cook/haven’t got the time to cook. I rarely have one and DD has never had one (to my knowledge she may have had one when she goes to her dads/grandparents – she’s got some SN so probably won’t be able to tell me).

WWYD? Do I go and have the takeaway or make my own at home?

" I don't really fancy spending my birthday watching football and you know I don't like spending money on takeaways that aren't particularly nice anyway, so I'll give it a miss"

"But we need to celebrate your birthday"

"It's not really celebrating my birthday if I'm spending time and money on something I don't want to do, is it?"

End of conversation

@DinosaurAgain is Dontguessthis your mum?

@dontguessthis

If you are, in fact, the OPs mother then you suck. My own departed mother was a bit of a cuntybollocks sometimes, but never would she have put my birthday before the footie or made me pay for some shit I didn’t want. A chilled out day? GTFO

struggling to see the point of going to your mother's to watch television ?

Is there anyway you can have a chilled part of the day with your mum , maybe lunch and a cake ? Then leave them to watch the football and eat take away while you have a nice afternoon with your dd?
You shouldn’t have to do something you don’t enjoy . I don’t know your mum but it sounds as if she wants your company and was thinking about spending it with you .
I think going to eat at a pub while the football is on may not be the most relaxing any how !

I get her reasoning about not wanting to go out to somewhere showing the football, because it will likely be noisy and slow service

But the rest of it is bonkers - she shoudl be paying for you, and she shouldn't be telling you how to spend your money and how to celebrate the day

Wow.

I think she’s got a cheek. It’s your b’day and she’s trying to call the shots. Stand your ground and say no.

You don't compromise on your birthday plans! Suggest doing a carvery on the Sunday instead or the following weekend.

It's my Birthday tomorrow - we can celebrate together ....but you're paying and can you pick me?

OP, ring in 'sick' and take your daughter out to the restaurant you chose.

Oh FFs don't pull a sickie to celebrate your birthday!

OP, I hope you’re ok and if that was your mum on here that things aren’t horrific in your family,

Going around someone else's house to watch football with my DC and being expected to pay for a takeaway for us is not a treat. And I love football.

Has you mother always been like this, or is it new? Mine has always been what my gran used to call an "I Specialist" so I'd expect this sort of thing from her, but I also don't bother speaking to her much.

The issue is not about the food, or even who pays for it, albeit that it's uber weird that she wants her daughter to pay for her own birthday 'treat'! This is about the common courtesy of not reneging on an invitation that you have extended to another, especially when it's your daughter & grandchild. And she's doing this because she'd prefer to watch television!
You accepted an invitation to a pub meal birthday celebration. That invitation has been withdrawn. You are now free to do exactly what you prefer to do. And tell her that you don't want your daughter growing up to think that this is an acceptable way to behave, so you'll give this mean, self absorbed idea of hers a miss.
I'm sorry, this must sting. Treat yourself with the courtesy, deference and respect that your mother is clearly incapable of giving to you, so you give it to yourself. Wishing you a Very Happy Birthday Year, may it bring you all that your soul desires.

So, flaming, blasted "football" comes before a daughters' birthday? NO way, Josee !! Stay at home, and enjoy a "football-free" evening, make your own lovely dinner, and invite a friend or two around! HAPPY BIRTHDAY by the way, love!! xxxxxxxxx

Its your birthday so why are you paying? Surely your mum and grandad and brother can all chip in and pay for theirs and yours and your dd? Tell her to stuff it. She is pleasing herself. Or pleasing your grandad and brother for the football. How shit. Make her feel shit.

Happy birthday OP!

If your selfish, narcissistic mother is reading this: shame on you. Do you think making your daughter pay for her own birthday meal is a treat? What planet are you on?

Sorry OP. Your Mum should be asking herself a lot of "why am I so rubbish" style questions and frankly your sister is a shit stirrer.

I really hope you have a supportive circle of friends, if not - get one!!

Yanbu.
I'm having similar issue. I've had a simple day out for my birthday to see someone at their suggestion for a meal and bit of sightseeing as we both have an unexpected day off together completely railroaded to suit all the things they want to do plus some random ppl I've never met are coming
I may have unexpectedly be called into work last minute.....

DinosaurAgain I'll say Happy Birthday, even though it may not be considering this stuff with your mum, but I hope you manage to have a good day!
Now, your mother; Don't be blackmailed! I'm probably nearer your mum's age (guessing by age of your DD) and I can see the emotional blackmail here. Flipping heck, who's birthday is it? 1] she wants to celebrate on Sunday, not your actual Birthday, well - fair enough the week end is a reasonable time to get together. 2] she chooses the pub. 3] Next she says she can't afford it so you feel you have to pay for yourself and DD. 4] then she wants to watch the football (I thought she wanted to be with you? and what about a 3 yr old?) so she cancels the pub and changes it to a takeaway in front of her telly. This means you're expected to pay for something you would not have chosen in the first place and give up time, with your little one in tow, to spending an afternoon indoors in front of a TV watching Football which you neither wanted or planned to do.

Then she says she wanted to "chill" with you!! What? That's rubbish!! She wants to stay at home and watch the footy doing as little as possible while filling her face with food of her own choosing and making it seem as if she's "done" your birthday get-together for this year! She's just selfish! She hasn't considered you once! And she has the nerve to try and make you feel bad when you say you don't want to do what she says!!!

My mother was the same. It was all about her. While it was happening I was so used to it, so brain-washed, unable to recognise the emotional blackmail, always giving in to mum because e"mum needs this or that". It took me years to realise how she used me and didn't really care so long as she got her own lazy way and I paid for it.

I honestly think you would gain a ton by learning to be assertive with your mother. Try having a look at how to set boundaries, how to be assertive and how to stand up to a demanding family on the web. I honestly wish I had learned all this when my children were 3. I actually still have depression because of the mental abuse I suffered from my mother right through her life. So please start setting the boundaries. It's your life, take charge let her know what she can and can't do. Not enough room here to give details . I will say, don't get drawn into long explanations or arguments about why you don't want to do what she's now decided on. Just keep your answer simple and repeat it without anger just in a flat voice. Something like, "I would have enjoyed your first idea for my birthday of going to the pub and I would have paid, but I don't like take-aways and football so I won't do that thanks." Don't elaborate or over explain, just keep saying the same thing. Again and again until she realises she won't get anything else out of you. Even read it out, if you think you might forget or get deflected!
I really wish I could come and take you out. Better, baby-sit so you could go out with your best mates. Do you think you could arrange an evening out with your mates to celebrate your birthday? It doesn't have to be on the actual day. You deserve a treat. I always think friends of your own age are more fun.

Good luck! Lots of love! [champagne]

Hang on, she's happy to pay for her, her son and her father but not the birthday girl and wants to arrange your day but have u pay for yourself? No. She can't play the disappointed card unless she was gonna arrange and pay for it all and not change your birthday treat to suit her

EllenOlenska Happy Birthday! I agree, don't be pushed around! If someone wants to change the plans they have to get your consent before going ahead. They can't drag you into something you didn't plan to do. What a blooming cheek and how selfish!

Rather than saying you are at work, I'd just say outright, "now you've changed the plans, I'm not going to come". No need to be angry or have a row, but none the less stick up for yourself! Don't get drawn in to an argument either, keep it simple, say the same thing over and over again, without going into explanations.

I'm getting old now - I span mums and grans nets - I hope you don't mind! But I look back on all the years when people used to push me around and I did things I didn't want to do, just because I was always being "nice" and was too worried about upsetting people if I told them I didn't actually like what they were doing... and I really regret it!! I wish I had stuck up for myself!! In my older years I still have people who expect me to do the donkey work and put up with the poorest seats, the worst view or whatever, saying "She won't mind", and my adult children bully me too. So please don't be like me! Start now - being assertive and knowing what your boundaries are and making sure other people keep to your boundaries. One of them might be that having made an arrangement, you will keep it only if they do not change the content of the arrangement and expect you to do something else.

Good luck!!

serenemostly That's perfect, what you said! I just had to say so! I love it!