PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

Well, I like the colour blue.

Thanks Madmags. I'm now more appalled by the fact that I've spent the day trying to justify my initial rant than anything that happened at the weekend. 😂😂
Never again. 😊

I can see you have posted this out of love and concern for your child and now wanting him to be left out or hurt. I would feel the same. I think the fact he was called over and had his attention drawn to it makes it particularly hard. It also says a lot for your son being upset to not be included, it means he has a good bond with his step family and that’s lovely. I would like to think it wasn’t done on purpose by the grandma but only you know if its in her nature to do so. I think it may be like people have said she put blood relatives on the memorial and didn’t even consider the impact, but next year she will do…hopefully.

@Ketzele please write a blog or a book about how to blend families with kindness and respect all round! Your advice is brilliant.

@Doingitover you are very dignified. keep it up GIRLFRIEND (hope that made you feel young haha x

He's their step grandchild. They met him when he was 8. It's good they treat him kindly (as of course the should) but you cannot insist they think of him as their grandchild

I agree. I understand that your son has Autism but I’m still suprised a 13 year old would be so hurt by this. It just seems so irrelevant.

FIL didn't mean to hurt my son. I don't even think nan did

In that case it’s a bit ironic you accuse MIL of being a drama lama.

To those who are saying "but he's not his grandchild" etc... if that's reasonable and not hurtful, then why didn't FIL explain that to OP's ds? When her ds said "What about me?", why didn't FIL say, "Well, you're not my grandchild so we didn't include you"? Would that have been a reasonable thing to say? If not, then why was excluding him in the first place reasonable?

Because grandad thought/assumed his name was on it.

It's an of the blood thing I am afraid, sure it hurts. But we 1.are allowed to give to who we want. People that expect inheritances shouldn't. 2. We save money to give to our own lineage, not those who weren't born into it. This stuff hurts because it's so personal. All those years together as a family except for the ones left out it must feel really fake. This is why lots of things about families are bonkers and unfair.... I think I'd be annoyed if my brothers step kids got the same piece of the pie as my kids.

I think it's odd that they put any of the children on it to be honest because they've all been born after he died

You say your son has been in their life for 5 years, and the deceased has been dead for 15 years, is that right?

So, in the last five years, has your eldest’s name ever been in the memorial?

It seems it was an oversight, it was great how ur son raised it at the time. I can understand ur reaction & u did the best thing not turn it into a drama. Just keep doing what u were doing before it happened, don’t start being cautious & hunting for evidence of an issue - that will cause one.

I think you should have a gentle quiet word in FIL ear a month next visit or maybe a month before the next years anniversary... be subtle and just slip in that your son was upset at being left out...
Alduts should treat children in a family the same ... blood relation or not... why would any one want to make a child feel excluded or highlight that they are not deserving or different
People just need to be a bit more thoughtful and kind

ferret Why dont you read the thread, that has been covered already.

I think this is a massive over reaction. Your son's name was left off by mistake as your FIL said it would be added next time. My parents constantly get kids names wrong, I doubt they had a script when placing the remembrance. If you cause a fuss you will look silly and you might embarrass your son who Sees them as grandparents. Have a bit more consideration for elderly people who might be feeeling depressed and admitted making a mistake. FIL wouldn't have showed the notice to the boy if he had been deliberately left off! Chill your boots

Sorry OP but I think you are massively over reacting. Your ds1 is not related to the person being remembered. I'd let it go. It's lovely that he gets on with his step grand parents. Don't rock that boat.

I'll probably be flamed.--

Nicky nacky .... my comments were to show support to the OP.... I had read the thread thank you...
I also wanted to register my thoughts to/on posters that think it’s ok to treat two children from one family differently without thinking how a child can be made to feel

What happened in previous years though if it's been a tradition for years and your Ss1 is ten how come he's not been on it in previous years, you only mention that he wasnt added last year when your youngest was?

ferret If you have read the thread then you will know the op is going to forget about it and take it for what it was, an oversight.

And to reiterate, it’s her fil’s grief at the heart of this.

I agree. I understand that your son has Autism but I’m still suprised a 13 year old would be so hurt by this. It just seems so irrelevant

I’d say that 13 is exactly the age when a child would be hurt by that. They’re not known for being rational and mature about things because they have not grown up and learned what is ‘relevant’, to use your term.

Ds1 not Ss1

And what’s the autism got to do with it?

@eloisesparkle

I'll probably be flamed.

Not by me you wouldn't. The PiL have been loving and welcoming to a child that isn't their grandchild, and FiL has been put in a position where he had to apologise for getting the memorial to his own father wrong. I agree with a pp who said that the FiL should have instantly pointed out that the OP's DS isn't his grandchild, but obviously he's too nice a person to do that. He showed the child the memorial because it didn't occur to him that the child would expect to be on it - much less that the child's mother would expect him to be on it as well.

Thank you Juells

HopeClearwater

And what’s the autism got to do with it?

The OP mentioned that her child had autism so presumably thinks it's relevant.