PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

Often a rule of thumb for many children on the spectrum is that their emotional age and ability to process feelings and social communication issues is around 2/3 their chronological age. So OP’s son may be dealing with this at an 8-9 year old level. Or not.
Mine both find head games, emotional manipulation and illogical discrimination very difficult to comprehend at any age.

It sounds like nan is very excited to have a grandchild that's "hers" from the beginning, couldn't wait to put him in the notice, and was inconsiderate towards your older son. Or maybe she felt you would not want him on there as he has other grandparents on his own dad's side? I don't think it needs to be a source of great stress or upset. Just say to her in a totally nice and non-accusing way that your son was sad to be left off as he considers them his grandparents and would she mind including him in the next one? Mention that you understand the choice was sensitive either way and why she did it that way, but could she please do it the other way next time so as to avoid upsetting your son.

I haven't read all the thread, but I am guessing nan called up the local paper, and simply asked for the same message as last year to be posted again. Just get your hubby to ring his mother, and ask that she change it going forward to include your son. Put a reminder in your diary for say April next year to remind nan to update. Ultimately, there's 2 important factors - nan feels it's important to remember the deceased son from 15 years ago. That's her #1 focus. The other important factor is to ensure that the whole family - blood and not - is included in the message. That's where the conversation of hubby and his mum AND your reminder in April next year come in.

Grief is strange - it can be all-absorbing and you lose sight of the bigger picture. Losing a child of any age is horrific - I'd cut the lady some slack.

oops - I've got my stories mixed up. Dad's death, not child's death. Anyway, suggestion that hubby speak with his mother + put a reminder in your diary still stands.

Just say to her in a totally nice and non-accusing way that your son was sad to be left off as he considers them his grandparents and would she mind including him in the next one? Mention that you understand the choice was sensitive either way and why she did it that way, but could she please do it the other way next time so as to avoid upsetting your son.

That would be the end of any relationship, if I were either of the PiL.

It's a memorial to a man who died 15 years ago, never met either child, I assume in some local rag that nobody under the age of 65 would even read. It's totally inconsequential and not reflective of your son's relationship with this couple. I think you should have glossed over it for everyone's sake. They are 'extras' in your son's life really - he presumably has 2 sets of grandparents of his own. It will only be an issue if you make it one.

I'd say to the nan to leave them both out. " ... and family circle" covers a lot. The whole thing is utterly pointless anyway.

Thanks Madmags. I'm now more appalled by the fact that I've spent the day trying to justify my initial rant than anything that happened at the weekend. Never again

I started a thread in AIBU a month or so ago. After the first dozen replies told me I was BU, I conceded even though I knew I wasn't I work from home and proceeded to spend AN ENTIRE DAY defending myself against the loons who couldn't be arsed RTFT before putting the boot in, calling me a c*nt amongst other things. Madness!

Nitpicky Nack .... oops that was a typo ( not)
Think I can decide for myself if I wish to support or suggest the OP on this or any thread ..

ferret Call me Nitpicky if you want, but by page 9 you haven’t added to the thread, just repeated what umpteen people might have said already. What’s the point? Your comment doesn’t make impact by then.

Mmmm now surely that means all threads longer than a couple of pages are pointless ... I think you are missing the point ... the OP felt under siege by negative posters and I chose to redress the balance a bit ... my call to make not yours

Yeah, chip if you have something new to add but otherwise you are just being a parrot.

You were so late to the party you paid no attention to what the op actually later said.

^Just say to her in a totally nice and non-accusing way that your son was sad to be left off as he considers them his grandparents and would she mind including him in the next one? Mention that you understand the choice was sensitive either way and why she did it that way, but could she please do it the other way next time so as to avoid upsetting your son.

That would be the end of any relationship, if I were either of the PiL.^

Now there's an over reaction...

@Faxthatpam

That would be the end of any relationship, if I were either of the PiL.

Now there's an over reaction...

I'm being honest, and trying to show the other side of this situation. If I did a memorial for my father and one of my DC's boyfriends tried to pressure me to include his child - who was absolutely no relation to me - I'd be nice to the child, but I'd consider the father had a screw loose and was so entitled that he'd be trouble from then on. That's how I'd see it, others see it differently. The FiL has been nothing but nice and welcoming to the SGC, and this is the thanks he's had.

In the nicest possible way, though your PILS are being very kind to treat your son as the eldest grandchild, they are choosing to do so out of niceness.

Your FILs father is not your sons great grandfather. Your son didn't know him. FIL should be able to memorialise his grief as he sees fit without having to compensate and be inclusive and pretend there's a connection between the two things that doesn't exist

My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death.

Says it all...