PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

Jesus! He's not along! OP hasn't said he's ever made to feel different, not ever.

All of this could be easily explained as "that's just for Jim's great-grandchildren."

Literally end of story.

Sorry - trying again with the correct bold...

Well no, not really. It leaves one child on the other side of it with the rest of his blood relatives - his father, possibly stepmother and other siblings, his grandparents...
But when he is in PILs house without the rest of his family - he is alone. He is the only one who has been singled out as not a real part of the family. On a day where he had gone to give FIL a card that shows he thinks of him as family.
Honestly - this is really is a little bit twisted.

Madmags. Your opinion might be valid in other situations. But your wide off the mark here.

It's not 'shocking' OP. It's reality. He's not their grandchild, he's their step grandchild and they include him as part of their son's new family but didn't think it was necessary to name him in a family memorial announcement, but are happy to do so in future if it's important to him.

As others have said, do you expect your ex's family to treat your one year old son as a full part of their family and to include him in everything?

Well, maybe MIL is making her position known now because this issue is causing a rift between her and FIL. For example, if they discussed inheritance / wills, want to leave something to their grandchildren and she feels it is the right time to start highlighting the difference.
Grandparents can be weird, and some of them for some reason prefer public statements over the normal discussion. My ex MIL posted last week on fb on how delighted she is to become a grandmother for the first time, and for how long has she been waiting for it (ex just had a new baby), while 99% of the target audience know that her son already has two children (2 and 4) with me, and is not even divorced yet.

I don't expect my ex's family too treat my youngest the same. As they have only ever met him twice. So why would they??
They do treat him with kindness though.
But my ex is never going to take my baby to see them for visits is he?? Silly analogy

He was giving FIL a card because he has formed a relationship with him that has transcended the fact that they're not related. That's lovely. But it doesn't mean that he should have been automatically included in a memorial to a man to whom he has no blood relationship whatsoever.

He has now indicated that he would like to be, so he will be in the future. But no one's at fault for not including him in the first place.

Wouldn't it be great if people could choose their partners wisely and make their relationships work instead of dragging their children through various families. You have put people in difficult situations with the decisions you have made.

Madmags. Your opinion might be valid in other situations. But your wide off the mark here

How so?

He is the only one who has been singled out as not a real part of the family.

This is a tiny bit of writing in a local newspaper that maybe a couple of dozen people will take any notice of, and probably none of them will have any knowledge of the family whatsoever.

It's all a bit dramatic tbh.

Charles. I drag my children no where. What a troll you are !!

I surrender - I see now that MIL deserves a pat on the back for keeping a 13 year old in his rightful place.

Op was he ever on it, or was he taken off?
Also, is your name on it?

It's not a silly analogy. It's showing that each of your sons have grandparents in common (your parents) and grandparents of their own.
Your eldest son is treated like a true grandson by his father's parents and like a step grandson by your husband's parents, and your youngest son is treated like a true grandson by his father's parents and will form an appropriate relationship with his sibling's grandparents in the years to come.

DoingItOver FWIW I think your posts have been kind and if your family set up is as you say it is, and there's no reason to doubt it, then you're doing a great job of navigating what could be some really difficult family relationships. You can't force your MiL to accept your older DS as her real actual DGS just like you can't force other posters to stop banging on down the same path despite your measured replies. It's better to understand this now, rather than in 10 years time when she suddenly announces at a family gathering that he's not a 'real' grandchild to her, but was to her now deceased husband like my MiL did at FiLs funeral about my son

I think it is sad that your child was upset and I am sure your fil is also sad that your child was upset.

But as others have said step-grandchildren - well it often is a very different type of relationship. The ultimate sign of this is when it comes to inheritances.

It sounds like a genuine mistake - thoughtless but not malicious. You've acknowledged that your FIL was embarrassed and wouldn't have intentionally hurt your son. Old people are sometimes forgetful - young people too!

I'm really surprised PPs are suggesting you cut contact or make a huge fuss to a bereaved man (who is obviously still grieving) over something which has all the hallmarks of being a genuine mistake. The kind, gracious and reasonable thing would be to let it go and explain privately to your son that it was an oversight by an upset and forgetful grandparent who would never mean to hurt him. Explain that you understand his feelings but that people sometimes make mistakes and that as long as they have apologised for it, forgiving them and moving on is the right thing to do.

At the end of the day OP, your ds knows he has a different father from his brother and he knows he has different grandparents. If you are wise you'll not try and airbrush away this difference. He can still have a close and loving relationship with your dh's parents but there will be points along the line (wills etc) where he may be treated slightly differently from his sibling. Best he (and you) are prepared for that.

I honestly wish I'd never posted. I asked for some advice because I'd bottled a reaction up. And I've been told I'm over reacting. I'm expecting too much. I'm dragging my children through families.
Is this how mums support other mums???
I was expecting opinions to differ. But some of you jump to nasty conclusions without asking a question.
I don't have time to sit on here and defend my actions/kids.
I don't know how to delete posts. So I'm just going to leave you all to it. 😱😢

the kind, gracious and reasonable thing would be to let it go and explain privately to your son that it was an oversight by an upset and forgetful grandparent who would never mean to hurt him.

Great advice, but what do you do when it happens again next year?

I think it's perfectly normal for people to have a different relationship with their step grandchildren and their grandchildren. I had step grandparents and siblings to whom they were full grandparents. I never considered we were related in anything like the same way as my siblings were.

OP your DS is part of the family but he isn't a blood relation. You can't expect a child that arrived in the family as an 8 year old to receive the same welcome as a baby. It sounds like he is treated very much as part of the family and your reaction is OTT.

Doingitover - this is AIBU so it is never gentle. Maybe choose a different topic to post in next time? You would get a kinder audience.

Before you flounce @DoingItOver read this:

At the end of the day OP, your ds knows he has a different father from his brother and he knows he has different grandparents. If you are wise you'll not try and airbrush away this difference. He can still have a close and loving relationship with your dh's parents but there will be points along the line (wills etc) where he may be treated slightly differently from his sibling. Best he (and you) are prepared for that.

It really doesn't need to be what you and your boyfriend have made it into.

So you obviously have form for reactions totally out of proportion to the situation. I wonder how much of the upset was your Dd and how much was your subconscious reaction?