PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

Ok so I can take most of this on the chin. But how have I shoe horned myself into my FIL grief???
My FIL (we are due to get married next year only reason it hasn't happened sooner is baby suddenly happily happened).
I actually didn't know it was his anniversary, he is never mentioned.
The situation only happened because FIL wanted to show us the notice they put in each year off the family. It included quite a lot of family members.
My sons reaction was an honest spate of the moment reaction. He asked where am I.
FIL realised immediately I tried to cover up. Telling him he had a really big family etc. And FIL jumped in and said we are your grandparents too.
And he meant it. He has always included him. And treated him like a grandson.
I quickly moved the conversation on but my son was left a little unsure.to all the posters saying. He isn't his 'blood' grandson. You're right. But that is how he is treated. So we have almost been lulled into a sense of security.
This post has made me realise. His 'nan' 'step nan' (whatever) probably doesn't feel the same way. She is over the top emotional with him. So I think that relationship is a little forced (that's ok too).
I think who ever mentioned money is probably right. That prob is a factor. But my eldest is financially secure so it doesn't need to be an issue.
However. No one has forced themselves into someone else's grief. And that is a silly accusation. The memorial post was just the catalyst for what has turned into a wider debate.
Thanks all for your words. I hate to disappoint anyone. But I am quite rational so I won't be confronting anyone. I've just been allowed to see different perspectives which I'm grateful for xx

Are you saying Cornishclio that if OP's in laws don't treat her son from a previous relationship as a biological grandchild, then she should lessen her younger son's contact with his grandparents and their's with him? Pretty shocked, if that's the case.

what rubbish you are getting - and how mean and unpleasant it makes the posters sound.

Your child is close to and treats a man as his grandfather - good for him. The more loving relationships children have the better. FIL is clearly a lovely man who has room for a grandchild of the heart, even if there is no blood connection. MIL isnt such a lovely person and doesnt feel the same - you cant force love where you dont feel it but you can try not to upset a child unnecessarily. Who doesnt get upset when their child is upset?

How disappointing that so may people cant care for those who are not blood relatives. Personally I dont care greatly for some of my blood relatives but I treat some friends as family. If I had a child living in my home I'd have to treat them as my own, blood relative or not.

OP you clearly have a delightful FIL and a loving partner. You are lucky, so is your son and there's a bit of the green eyed monster about some posts.

I think it was deliberate, I am glad that your son spoke out, feel so sad for him. How is he generally treated by the grandparents.

It sounds like nan's doing, I think she does not see him as her grandson, even though your FIL does, as he is not blood related.

Your FIL obviously wishes to include your son because he called him to see it.
Nan may well have thought, given that none of the GGC ever met this man, that the only relevance is a blood line and that a remembrance notice is more about the deceased / remembered.

It was an upsetting oversight. Your FIL will ensure he is included next year. How they treat your DS in RL and face to face is more important.

He isn't your partners step son is he, you're not married. He's his girlfriend's son.

Aside from that it does suck that he was left off if he has stuck a strong bond with the family, 5 yrs to a 13yr old is a very, very long time, I'm sure he definitely sees them as grandparents so i bet it did jolly well upset him. They need to include him really, v odd to include his sibling and not him.

@doingitover i fully agree that you appear to have been lulled into a false sense of security. Theyve treated him like a grandchild and signed gifts as "nan and grandads" (I presume) etc. So I would be reacting just like you im afraid. Im a step child and had one lovely side and one bunch of wankers. So I know it hurts.

However, to save his feelings in the long run, I would not sweep this under the carpet. Nan has made it clear how she feels. So I would be inclined to (kindly) put the seed with your DS and let him know its not his real nan so not to expect the same treatment as his sibling etc. I would also not be putting his name on mothers day cards to her. as he isnt her real grandson. A stance chosen by her. And I would be planning your visits mainly when hes with his dad (if this is possible) so his little heart doesnt get hurt anymore with things he sees - as he will now be aware of it.

Also if its brought up (with her or grandad) again I would just explain that you were hurt but it showed you where you and your son stood and you dont have an issue with that, then leave it.

I'll add that I have an adopted child and another child who is mine biologically but not my partner's (because we are both women, but the child was conceived within our relationship). I am fully aware that individuals within our extended families feel differently about the two. For me, how they 'should' feel is a moot point - I can't control that. But I expect people to have manners and if they have a relationship with my child I expect them not to act hurtfully. So, I have aunts and uncles who made a big fuss when I had my birth child, but completely ignored the arrival of my adopted child (and ignore her to this day). Because I very rarely see them, I don't see any need to try to resolve this.

But the grandparents and my own siblings, I do expect more of because they have a relationship with my child. I know for a fact that my mum feels more love for my birth child, but she doesn't show that to the children and I know I can trust her to protect dd2's feelings. Their other grandmother has been more tricky, and for a couple of years I stopped seeing her because - while wanting to be called Granny - she was mean and excluding to my dd (asking me to leave the house when 'real family' came visiting, FGS) and treated her very differently to her biological grandchildren. Of course she has the right to her feelings, but I had the right to withdraw my child from exposure to that. Now that she is kind to my children again, we are back in contact.

I fully expect that when she dies her money will be left to her biological grandchildren, not mine, and that is up to her (though a shame because her other grandchildren are already very wealthy and mine are definitely not!).

Our children don't ask to be put in blended families and I don't think it's too much to ask all the adults involved to be a bit aware and caring about their feelings. In OP's case, the grandparents could have either included her son (because live children's feelings trump all), or made sure he never saw the notice, or agreed with the parents a way of explaining the rationale, e.g. "You know you're not biologically our grandson, but you are 100% ours in the most important way - in our hearts, and because we couldn't love you any more. But x was not your great-grandfather because he wasn't related to you and he didn't know you either, so it's a bit different. When I'm dead and gone and I need a memorial written, I think it should be your job to do it and I expect to see your name in big letters - maybe even a photo!"" or something like that. My personal choice, though, would be for the grandparents to just keep the memorial as their private thing, and not involve anyone in OP's family.

alreadytaken you really are distorting and twisting what people have said.

Ketzie thank you. You have had so much more to contend with than me. You sound like a lovely mum.
I'm glad some of the posters on here aren't my family or friends. They are harsh! 😂

He gets cards labelled to our grandson every year and they introduce me as their daughter. We are pretty close. But I am wondering now if it's all been a little forced onto 'nan'.
I'm loving being called a girlfriend. Makes me sound a lot younger than I am 😂😂

It’s me that said you are hijacking your fil grief because that is exact,ynwhatntounare doing although you are doing it to prove a point. Neither child should be mentioned on the memorial.

If in years to come, my child’s partner makes an issue of my mums memorial (hypothetical as I don’t do a public one) I would see them in a completely different light.

They love your child and show that. They can’t rewrite history to include you are your child.

Gah this ipad!!!

I don't think you need to start playing silly buggers with cards etc

Honestly, some people on here love to create drama in other people's lives.

Again, Nan might have a difference of opinion on this one thing. But she has never mistreated or been cruel to ds so why would/should OP start dicking around with the good relationship that they do have?

Ds is old enough to have this explained to him, and told that his relationship with his grandparents is as good and close as ever, it's just that there will be the odd occasion that things might be a bit different.

Nicknacky I would personally prefer it if neither child were included. He died 15 years ago. However this is their decision.
If my FIL hadn't shown the post. I wouldn't have known about it.
And when it happened I moved the conversation on quite quickly. (For my sons sake more than anything).
I then took kids outside to play.
So in which part did I high jack his grief?
I honestly don't know what I could have done differently? Please advise?

So say that to them. That it’s a kind gesture to consider the kids but they don’t have to include them, then forget about it.

You are making this a big issue by asking if you should raise it an 3 days later and saying you feel like telling them to fuck off. You are making this about you and your son and forgetting that at the heart of it, your fil now feels even worse about the error when his only concern should have been on remembering his father.

My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.
It's almost as though it hasn't happened.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

If your DP kicks off with his parents about this it will sour their relationship with you and your children, because they'll think you're entitled and needy. Because they've been nice and welcoming to your DS you now think he's entitled to be included in everything. Well, he's not their grandchild, and I can't see what the big deal is about explaining that to him.

The FiL showed the memorial to your DS because it never occurred to him that anyone would be daft enough to think your DS would be on a memorial for his father.

You need to look at things from their point of view, not exclusively from yours.

Ok. This post has been going on all day. This morning I was upset because I felt I should have said something.
So I posted on here. And I got different perspectives and guess what! It is clear through the thread that I took all of those perspectives on board.
I stopped being annoyed about ummmmm 5 hours ago.
So banging your hammer here is a little out of date and it shows your ignorance not mine.
I have said on numerous occasions that I'm not doing,saying,anything. And it has been made clear that the only vent that I had was on the initial post, I've also acknowledged that the relationship may have gone a little fast for nan.
So what else do you want me to say???
In fact it doesn't matter. The rational people understand this post has moved on.

OP you haven't done anything wrong. In fact you seem to be keeping perfectly calm and acting reasonably despite various the calls for you to kick off (or criticisms of you for having done so ).

You do understand it’s perfectly normal for a thread to span over a few hours, particularly when you are actively participating?

Yes I do. My active participation clearly demonstrates that my position shifted. So I'm not sure what else you want me to say?

He isn't his 'blood' grandson. You're right. But that is how he is treated. So we have almost been lulled into a sense of security.
This post has made me realise. His 'nan' 'step nan' (whatever) probably doesn't feel the same way.

But maybe not. If you have thought that everything was good up until now maybe it is because it really is. This is just people hypothesizing, they don't know what goes on everyday and they don't know your mil. This is real for you but not for the posters so honestly maybe it truly means nothing

@Doingitover you've handled the threat really well. But you'll get loads and loads of posters who, for reasons known only to themselves, refuse to RTFT and will be commenting on the first post for hours...

MadMags - I never said mine was the same situation. I merely posted my thoughts what with this being a chat forum. I wasn't aware it was your thread

Neither of the children knew the deceased. Why are either of them being added?