PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

Great advice, but what do you do when it happens again next year?

Solve next year's problems next year, if and when they arrive.

@Doingitover only mumsnet can delete posts but there's no reason to delete anything here. You posted in AIBU where people will openly tell you what they think. They are genuine views whether or not you agree with them.

If you want support rather than opinions it's best to post somewhere other than AIBU and to be careful with the wording of your OP.

Madmags. Your opinion might be valid in other situations. But your wide off the mark here.

I think @MadMags has it spot on.

I think MadMags has it spot on too.

I'm not flouncing any where. I've got a nearly 2 year old who wants to play.
I don't know how anyone has time to sit on here for so long.
I've asked for opinions I've been given great advice.
I've not reacted to anything (so I don't know why I'm being told I've over reacted).

I'm not going to say or do anything. I'm going to let the relationship evolve and hope for the best.
Thanks you everyone. Now I really do have a child to entertain/feed x

Who has been nasty?

I don't think this thread has been particularly nasty (with one or two exceptions, that no one else has supported).

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt on our son's behalf, that's perfectly natural. But in step families, situations like this will arise and saying you felt like telling your FIL to fuck off, and that your DH was livid actually makes me feel a bit sorry for your ILs. It sounds like they're doing their best, and they shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in case they unintentionally get something wrong. That's just not fair on them.

The anniversary was about your FIL remembering his father. In the midst of all that he also felt genuinely bad about your son's name being omitted and apologised.

But that wasn't enough and you then wanted to raise the issue several days later and make a thing of it. I think that's why some of us think you're over reacting.

I'm not going to say or do anything. I'm going to let the relationship evolve and hope for the best.

I think this is the right, mature thing to do and will save everyone a lot of heartache.

I don't know how anyone has time to sit on here for so long.

Miaow! You're going to get varied opinions, you're on a chat forum.

Bottom line is that a child was left out and feelings hurt - the FiL himself, whose father the memorial notice was for, was mortified by the omission. I think it needs saying to in-laws that your son was sad at not being included, but said in a matter-of-fact way, not accusatory. If nothing else it might make them a bit more considerate and thoughtful.

I don't know how anyone has time to sit on here for so long.

I'm post-op! :)

I'm going to let the relationship evolve and hope for the best.

Absolutely the best thing to do in any "step" relationships. If you let it evolve naturally chances are everyone will find a relationship that everyone's happy with and confident in. That's what I meant by keeping half-siblings and step-siblings/grandparents/aunts/et al in "compartments". Doesn't mean the relationship is any less, it's just different.

Madmags I wish you good health x

At the end of the day OP, your ds knows he has a different father from his brother and he knows he has different grandparents. If you are wise you'll not try and airbrush away this difference. He can still have a close and loving relationship with your dh's parents but there will be points along the line (wills etc) where he may be treated slightly differently from his sibling. Best he (and you) are prepared for that.

At age 13 he is the right age to be accepting this. Kids don't like being left out of things so it's sad he was upset. But let's be honest, the gt grand dad doesnt mean anything to him, they didn't know each other.

Thank you, @Doingitover

FWIW, most of the responses here haven't actually been directly to you, but to other posters debating the subject.

Ah, OP you were upset because your child was upset! The 'where am I?' comment gives me a pang!
Obviously your FIL felt this too, and hated that your DS had felt like that.

But, rationally to add a child who is not a blood relative, and who had never met the person, to a memorial, is reasonable.

To add a baby who is a relative but who hadn't met them is odd in itself, but obviously not to your MIL.

Your FIL obviously loves your boy very much, so try to let it go and make sure that this small thing doesn't spoil what sounds like a lovely positive relationship.

Don't lose them over this.
Just say to to FIL can you add him next year as it will mean a lot to you and to him.
Do not make a big deal over it.

Thanks guys. Sorry if I over reacted on here. My boy was genuinely upset and I felt like I played it down. He had a right to ask as they have always treated him like their family. My FIL adores him. (He has autism and struggles with communication but FIL has a great bond).
I think their maybe an issue with Nan. But in hindsight FIL will not allow that to happen again.
It's so bloody hard trying to balance everything all the time. I didn't mean to be rude about time spent on here. I've just genuinely not done anything all morning as my phone keeps beeping. I'm off out now though. So going to leave it at home.
Thanks again for the input. X

@MadMags

She included the great-grandchildren of the dead man in his memorial. And ds1 isn't one of them. It doesn't have to be anything more sinister or dramatic than that.

I haven't RTFT but I'm a bit gobsmacked that anyone would think that a boy who isn't any relation whatsoever to someone (presumably) long dead should be included in some memorial thing. TBF to your FIL (although he's really your partner's father, not your FIL) he must be really nice, and a bit of a pushover, to apologise. I'd have told you to sod off and stop creating a drama out of my loss. It's his father, he was feeling sad, and now all of a sudden it's all about you and your child?

Do you think it was intentional?

I got a card from my brother, signed from him, his wife and two of his three children, it was just a brain fart I thought was funny.
I think I'd leave it but make sure to contact nan next year to make sure everyone is included.

I think I'd leave it but make sure to contact nan next year to make sure everyone is included.

Seriously? You'd annoy someone to make sure they make their father's memorial all about you?

Like so many posters, I think step grandparents should treat their step grandchildren the same as their grandchildren by direct descent, ordinarily (that doesn't mean they have to feel the same about them, just that they should act as if they do!).

However, this isn't about whether your eldest is treated as their grandchild, it's about whether he is treated as a great grandchild to somebody long dead, to whom he is not related and never met! That's a straightforward enough distinction, surely?

Why is everyone suggesting that GF shouldn't treat this boy the same as his siblings in case the parents split up? What if they don't and the poor boy is excluded in various ways for years just in case?

Its the attitude here, not the memorial which needs to be addressed. Why did they even have to call him over and show him? Its very unfair and he noticed that he'd been left out.
No child should be made to feel they are somehow less important or valued than the rest of their siblings.

OP its not too late to react. I think that DH should talk to his DM as Fizzy Green suggested earlier and make it clear to her that your son was hurt and is not to be treated as less than a full-fledged family member in future. And I agree with Isadora, take them all off this advert. Good Luck!

Id try and not make a big deal out of this and ask for him to be added next year. Make out to your ds that it was a forgetful slip of the mind that will be rectified next year. I dont understand the 'only step son' thing neither op, especially after 5 years. As for all the 'oh but you could split up and your ds would be nothing to them', (a) well equally the fil and mil could split up, but im betting that mil stil included herself, even though she is not strictly a blood relative and (b) even in the event of a split, it does not guarantee that the op would cut off all ties with fil, or her partner with her ds. Personally i think it was mean and calculated of your mil to do this to get her point across at the expense of a childs feelings, and if not rectified next year, id lose a lot of respect for both fil and mil.

Guys the memorial bit isn't important. FIL didn't even post it. Nan did and she calls him every name under the sun at every opportunity. (But she is big on public displays of emotion)

I've just checked. He wasn't included on a wedding one either.

So it's fine. He just isn't included. Everyone can sleep well. And I'll just be aware xx