PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

I don't think it'd be unreasonable to give Nan a call to say that you're not sure if she was aware what happened, but you wanted to fill her in about the accidental omission as it had upset DS. Say something like "I hope you don't mind me raising it, I just don't want DS to start to feel as though he's not as important in the family as the other GC".
You'll have peace of mind knowing that you've said and done all you can. There's no need for a row. You've got your DS's back. No offence can be taken. Then wait and see what happens next year.

Do you believe your mil doesn't consider him her family? Do you think she treats him unfairly or unkindly?

@Doingitover

I don't understand why you are angry and hurt and want to tell them to f--k off if it was not intentional.

I am sorry you're upset, (and your son also,) but it wasn't done on purpose, so your ire is misplaced and unnecessary ...

Can the remembrance thing be published again? It will only be a few days later yes?

By the way, I am surprised people still do this, as most people won't see it anyway, as many people don't read hard copy papers now, and I would be more likely to put it on facebook!

misses point of thread...

I would not rock the boat now, finish your visit and then keep an eye on how things develop.

However when you next speak to MIL, I would say that ds1 was sad for being left out (for the second year running) that next year it might be better if you and your dh will do a separate message of remembrance, from you and your 3 dcs, so that you are all included.

Did your eldest know your FIL’s father? It could be they didn’t think of including him because of this, and this year MIL added new baby off her own bat as their first grandchild from your DH.

A lot depends on the relationship and length of the relationship, I think. It takes time to build up even step-parent bonds, let alone step-grandparent ones, and insisting both your children are the same and treated identically in every way when one has another set of grandparents is not necessarily the way to help these bonds grow.

Rather than making a fuss yourself, I’d let the impact of your son’s own reaction take root. FIL saw his upset and promised to change it next year. That’s much more powerful than you steaming in and making demands on his behalf. Let their loving relationship be the driver.

Do you have three dc? And the other two were added?

So your ds was 8 when you introduced him to them?

I’m sorry, I know it sucks, but it might be a bit much to expect them to feel the same about him as they do their real grandchildren. It will very likely come over time.

They treat him well, and it sounds like FIL is very fond of him.

Gently; I think you’re expecting too much.

It depends on everything else for me. Is this just a error in judgment or a mistake or is this a sign of something else, I'm asking because your youngest one is now 1. If everything else is normally ok and both kids are being treated the same usually then I'd put it down to a mistake.
On the other hand let's hope it's not like my example below.

My lovely stepdad loves me like his own Iv been his child longer than my siblings (his biological children) some of his family on the other hand changed dramatically after he and my mother had children together. When he only had us his family treated us as his children/their family but after my siblings were born they slowly stopped taking an interest in the stepchildren to the point where eventually there was almost no interest whatsoever. By the time the (biological) children were school age (which coincided with sc becoming teens) there was no contact. Except if sc were there while they visited at which point they were polite but distant.
Nothing horrible was ever said, no bad treatment except for cards/presents stopped and contact/visits/interest stopped, no one ever mentioned why or even that it was happening and by the time the sc were old enough to understand what had happened it had gone on too long to change it.

It does happen by accident. I promise. We own a printing company so preprint all our cards. 6 kids between us. One year my husband managed to forget one of my daughters entirely. The quietest of the lot lol

To be honest it seems odd adding any of the grandchildren as they were born after great granddad died.

The youngest child wouldn't have been close to him either as he's only one!

But the youngest child is real, blood family. If OP and her DP (are you even married?) split, they might never have anything to do with ds1 again, whereas younger one will always be their grandchild!

If they split? Well that's a long shot surely. The step GC is part of the family now.

I do agree actually that the oddest thing is adding children to the memorial when they have never known them. Or is that the correct etiquette?

Can you send them message saying something like

Hi PILs
I need to mention the memorial - we did not want to bring it up on Sunday in case it upset DS1 even more, but we can't let it go without comment. We all noticed how DS1 had been left off the memorial and we know this is the second time it has happened.

We treat all of our children exactly the same and expect the rest of the family to as well. So if you exclude one of us from something, then you may as well exclude all of us.
Please do not do anything like this again - DS1 is part of our family and should be treated as such.

Well that's a long shot surely.

Probably not, statistically. Not for anyone, really.

But OP refers to her partner, not her husband. And nobody knows what will happen in the future!

Some people just don’t subscribe to the fluid, “he’s here now” train of thought.

I think if they’re good to him, treat him with kindness and respect, then that’s good and gives them time to build a real loving relationship.

I would talk to DP and ask him to speak to his mum about it. He should tell her DS1 chose and wrote the card. Two years in a row sounds deliberate to me and incredibly mean on her behalf. I also feel sorry for FIL being put in this position.

We treat all of our children exactly the same and expect the rest of the family to as well.

You can’t try to force someone to do that, can you?? I just think you’ll make things so awkward and strained instead of allowing them to develop an organic relationship!

You can’t try to force someone to do that, can you??

You can't force the feeling but you can force the practicalities. Such as not excluding children from things like this.

He's their step grandchild. They met him when he was 8. It's good they treat him kindly (as of course the should) but you cannot insist they think of him as their grandchild. The reality is, if you and his dad split, they will likely never see him again.

I think this is one of the things he can be reasonably excluded from actually.

The fact is, he’s a step who never had anything to do with the great-grandfather, and no connection through the family line.

He’s just not the man’s family!

Five years really isn’t that long in the scheme of things.

They treat him well, they are as good to him as the other children.

I don’t think this is game playing, that’s all! And I think making a big deal out of it is very selfish.

Cunning gave kind, realistic advice.

And no, breaking up is not a long shot. It's a statistical likelihood. My parents have accumulated all sorts of steps and halfs along the way, and dealt with a revolving door of sons and daughters in law. They're wonderful, and all embracing, but they cant be expected to apply military correctness to their own expression of grief, sorry.

I think it would be a seriously bad idea to say anything at all, other than to ask politely next year whether your son's name could be on the notice as he would very much like to be included.

This is about your father-in-law's bereavement. It's not appropriate to make it about anything else.

I'd come at a different perspective. I wonder why people are still doing announcements in newspapers.... For memorials 15 years on.... Is it free or?
I was shocked when I had to include a death notice in local paper some years ago and it was £150

Surely the people who want to remember will... And people that don't know really won't care.

It is shitty leaving one (step) child off though

Our local papers still do memorials, there is probably at least 20+ every week.

I’m confused as to why someone who died 15 years ago is being referred to as a great grandad anyway... he didn’t know any of his great grandchildren. That’s weird enough. Just tell FIL that you’d rather they kept both kids off of the memorial thing in future given none of them knew him.
My eldest two children have been in my in laws lives for over 10 years now. We have two younger children together. They are only the younger two’s grandparents. And I wouldn’t ever try to pretend otherwise.
I think the whole set up is a bit odd to be honest.

They are only the younger two’s grandparents. And I wouldn’t ever try to pretend otherwise.

More people need this attitude, IMO.

It just is what it is. And it allows people to develop real relationships.