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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

240 replies

Doingitover · 19/06/2018 09:55

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingitover · 19/06/2018 11:03

The thing is although he isn't blood FIL treats him as his own, he always has. We didn't think we could have more kids so it has always been the 3 of us traipsing up and down the moterway. We are close to them. I have bought a business by them and we've always said we will move closer once eldest leaves school.
So he has been treated like a grandchild. He can't come with us every visit but we try our best.
I guess these answers have made me realise that I just need to keep my eye on nan. As my LO is Defo the 'apple on her eye'.
She has a little form for reminding me how lucky I am. (Posts on FB about women who rely on their OH, she thinks I do play group every day). Tells everyone if he buys me a new bag etc.
I just need to make sure it's not extending to my eldest.
Thanks for comments everyone it's helped. (I don't understand paper memorials either. But it's their tradition) x

OP posts:
stayathomer · 19/06/2018 11:07

My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death.

Now I feel like telling them to f££k off.

I am so sorry but read the two quotes one after the other. It is terrible about your child being upset but it's an easy mistake, possibly even after last year where they may have thought 'must remember' and then promptly forgot. Also I'm trying to make sense of the thread, did any of your kids know Great grandfather? Because surely it's 'missed by x,y and z?' again, sorry about your ds but if he brings it up again explain to him that everyone forgets things when they're sad, and it's not anything to get upset about, he knows they love him. Flowers

Notonthestairs · 19/06/2018 11:10

I just think (regardless of blood etc) why would you want to make a small boy upset for the sake off adding a name? It would have been an open hearted thing to do and absolutely harmless, it's not like it would detract from their grief.

alreadytaken · 19/06/2018 11:10

grandad is upset already, grandma not so much. So it's grandma who needs to understand that this has upset your child. And it is your husband who needs to say this to his mother.

MadMags · 19/06/2018 11:11

But what if she says “well, because he’s not his great-grandchild”?

What then?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 19/06/2018 11:14

I’d do what FizzyGreenWater suggested...

I would ask your DH to speak to his mum alone and tell her in no uncertain terms that if he ever, ever sees anything like that again, then she will be seeing a lot less of all her grandchildren. Also to look her in the eye and say, firstly, me and my family were really hurt and secondly, do you know the moment we saw that we both thought that it would have come from you not dad. And leave that thought with her

She needs pulling up. Her openly favouring the little one differently is unacceptable. Treating them differently because they are different people & different ages is all good, treating the little one like differently because he’s ‘blood’ is shitty behaviour. He treats them like Grandparents, FIL treats him well, MIL needs telling.

I hope your DS thinks it was just a mistake, either way your MIL needs to apologise to him.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2018 11:14

Now I feel like telling them to f££k off.

That would be overreacting.

If you expect identical treatment you'll be disappointed a lot.

like a grandchild is never the same as actual grandchild. You need to bear that in mind. 5 years of knowing your DS doesn't make him their GC.

Hopefully the memorial will be fine in years to come.

Don't make a big deal about it.

Original poster
Doingitover · 19/06/2018 11:15

No none of the great grandkids knew him.
I've vented frustration here because it's a safe place. No one is aware of how upset I was (I reacted to my sons reaction).
After reading these posts. I'm angry with nan. Not grandad.
I'm not going to say anything. But I am going to speak to OH about it. (He was furious but I told him to calm down)
FIL didn't mean to hurt my son. I don't even think nan did. But I think one if her snipes has backfired x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/06/2018 11:15

I would ask your DH to speak to his mum alone and tell her in no uncertain terms that if he ever, ever sees anything like that again, then she will be seeing a lot less of all her grandchildren.

I disagree with this. It's very controlling behaviour and smacks of blackmail.

MadMags · 19/06/2018 11:16

Ffs! It’s not a snipe! He’s not his great-grandchild! It doesn’t matter that the kids didn’t know him, your eldest isn’t his relative.

I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it, but it won’t end well.

AhoyDelBoy · 19/06/2018 11:21

You're upset because your 13 yo DS isn't on a memorial notice for his step-great-grandfather whose been dead 15 years?

Miserysquared · 19/06/2018 11:21

I don't think you need to be angry at anyone to be honest. It's either a genuine mistake, in which case get over it and don't compound someones grief by being rude and sulky, or they don't view him as a grandchild because he is a step, in which case shrug that's just how it is. It doesn't need to be so personal, and I can't imagine things like this very bizarre situation occurring again anyway. Your son has presumably forgotten all about it.

totalcontrol · 19/06/2018 11:23

This is about your FIL and his father,Don't make it about your DS,End of the day he didn't know him and is no relative. Howver much you wish him to be the same as the others, he just isn't and you have no right to insist

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/06/2018 11:24

MadMags it doesn't matter that he wasn't related to the man. The boy is part of the family now.

It wouldn't have hurt MIL to put the childs name on the memorial would it? And given that FIL is very close to the child it seems odd to that it wasn't.

carriemathisonshandbag · 19/06/2018 11:25

Leaving aside the merits of putting Remembrance notices in the paper, and the dynamics of step families and GPs, I think the point is that a child's feelings have been hurt.

He felt he was part of the family, just as much as his younger sibling, and by the sounds of it the Nan has made it more obvious since the sibling was born, that he is not their birth grandchild.

I can empathise with you OP and your DS; you are trying to spare his feelings.

MadMags · 19/06/2018 11:26

No, that's not how it works for a lot of people. OP's partner's mother included.

And that's ok.

What if they split next year? They'll have to take him back out.

It's a ridiculous thing to get upset about. He's NOT the man's great-grandchild. It's as simple as that.

carriemathisonshandbag · 19/06/2018 11:26

*sympathise, not empathise

MadMags · 19/06/2018 11:27

DS's feelings could be saved by managing the situation properly.

Namely, explaining that it's not a big deal (which it's not) and that just as his younger sibling gets left out of stuff because he's too young, DS will be left out of some stuff, too.

Original poster
Doingitover · 19/06/2018 11:27

I'm not making a big deal about it. I've posted on Mumsnet asking for thoughts. Isn't that the point of this site?
I've calmed my partner down, I made my FIL feel better about the situation. And I gave my son reassurance.
By the way when I reminded my son that he has lots of grandparents. FIL jumped in quickly and said and that includes us.
I've posted asked for advice. Got some balanced perspective and now I'm cracking on with my day.
Thank you for those who have been balanced, reasonable and taken time to read what I have written.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 19/06/2018 11:27

I think the only mistake that was made was starting a tradition of adding anyone to the memorial.

Cindie943811A · 19/06/2018 11:30

Madmags it is the principle of the thing. This might seem a trivial incident to you but the boy was hurt because he felt excluded plus it is a reflection of how his step grandmother regards him — as other from the family and as of less value than her blood grandson

user1485342611 · 19/06/2018 11:32

Absolutely no way should your DH be threatening his parents with less visits over this, or telling his mother that you both knew it would be her fault.

That's terrible advice and is just going to turn your son into some kind of bone of contention in the family.

It was a bit tactless of your DH's parents (or mother) but is it really that big a deal? While it is important that your SH's parents have a relationship with your eldest son, it doesn't really have to stretch back across generations of now dead people to whom he really is no relation.

AhoyDelBoy · 19/06/2018 11:34

I think that's a yes then to my question? Ridiculous. I'm with @MadMags on this one.

MadMags · 19/06/2018 11:35

But there's a perfectly valid reason that he was excluded, Cindi, and it's a good opportunity to point out that equal doesn't mean the same.

Like the way OP pointed out son's abundance of grandparents. His younger sibling doesn't have that. And won't if OP and her partner stay together.

So, if there's ever anything similar in his dad's family, his sibling won't be included in that...

Northernparent68 · 19/06/2018 11:36

Op, i think the real issue is that FIL grief is becoming unhealthy.

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