PIL left my eldest (their step grandchild) out of remembrance.

[Doingitover]

Yep, so just that really.
My FIL is a lovely chap and we go to visit often. On Sat he was a bit down as it was the anniversary of his dads death. Every year they put a note in the memories section.
Anyway he called my eldest (13) over to see it. And my son (who treats them as grandparents) noticed he was missing. So he asked 'what about me'. I genuinely nearly died with sadness.
My FIL obviously hadn't noticed he was missing. Blamed nan and said they would get it amended next year.
Anyway. The thing is my other son is on it (He's 1) so he was added last year.
So my eldest was either forgot (how) or consciously left out.
I've tried to cover up their omission but I'm heartbroken. They live 200miles away and we make a huge effort to visit. At least 1 o month. But usually more. (My eldest has Autism and has a better relationship with them than his own grandparents)
Now I feel like telling them to f££k off. It's both or non.
My partner was out when it happened but I told him and he was furious. I stupidly told him not to react (obvs up there for Father's Day). But now I'm regretting not saying something.

It's almost as though it hasn't happened.
Aibu to raise it 3 days after?
What would you all do?

@Iamthedevilsavocado

I'd come at a different perspective. I wonder why people are still doing announcements in newspapers.... For memorials 15 years on.... Is it free or?
I was shocked when I had to include a death notice in local paper some years ago and it was £150.

My sentiments exactly and that is pretty much what I said earlier. Do people even READ the 'classifieds' anymore? I don't know anyone under 65 who does. I feel that many more people would see stuff if it was posted on facebook. Almost everyone I know has facebook - literally 100's of people........ Neighbours, colleagues, (and their families,) my family, (and extended family,) my friends, my friends families, my (adult) kids, (and their friends, and their families.... ) the list is endless...... Who is going to see it in the local rag? Hardly anyone.

@Isadora2007

I’m confused as to why someone who died 15 years ago is being referred to as a great grandad anyway... he didn’t know any of his great grandchildren. That’s weird enough. Just tell FIL that you’d rather they kept both kids off of the memorial thing in future given none of them knew him.

I agree. It's odd.

@Doingitover

Have to agree with the majority here OP sorry. You are being irrational and OTT. Your in-laws have really done nothing bad and nothing wrong really as it was an error. Your OTT reaction could cause lasting damage.

With family - you are either in , or you are out. There's nothing in the middle.
They travel regularly to see the PILs and take DC1 because he is supposed to be family too.
But if DC1 is not PILs family, then there is no need for him to visit and the OP and family will probably go up a lot less because they have to juggle the needs of 2 different DC at the weekend, rather than the needs of a single family .
Far better for everyone, including the PILs, if DC1 is considered to be family.

Why is putting an annual memorial unhealthy?! Good grief.

And I think OP is best placed to judge if this is a deliberate point being made by MIL rather than an genuine oversight. Sounds to me like OP knows exactly what it is.

That's just not true! There's loads in the middle.

And DS1 sometimes stays home, according to OP.

I think it's really awful to be suggesting or hinting at using the younger children as pawns. Really nasty.

OP you have handled this reasonably and are justified in feeling your DS’s hurt.
Maybe a word from DH to His DPs to consider in future affect of their actions on DS because he adores them.
How about drawing up a simple family tree to illustrate to DS just how many grandparents/ancestors he has. If he likes figures, work out together how many grandparents he must have since a given date or over a period of timlike 500 years. Don’t complicate it was cousin marriages, though Lol, of High we all nodoubt , have at least a couple. As you can guess, I’m a keen genealogist, and it’s a great family hobby and can include interesting subjects such as old time occupations, visits to places where ancestors lived, local history museums, foods etc etc.
Good luck

After reading these posts. I'm angry with nan. Not grandad.
(He was furious but I told him to calm down)

I honestly think you're both getting overwrought over something that doesn't need such a reaction. I understand it, but is it really something to cause a rift over?

northern

Why is it unhealthy to still feel very sad around the anniversary of a parent's death?

And putting a memoriam in the newspaper is a tradition in many families.

It would be unhealthy if FIL was going around in a continuous state of grief, or visiting the grave every day, or turning a room into a shrine for his father.

But feeling a bit down on the anniversary and paying a little tribute is perfectly normal.

There was a post on here not long ago from a lady who brought her family up in the way the OP of this thread is, whereas her SIL(?) kept everyone in their compartments (for want of a better word) but still treated everyone kindly.

The OP of that thread was upset that her son (who was the step) felt the SIL had done it right and thought his mother (the OP) had got it very wrong and it had had a major impact on his life.

The point I'm trying to make is that forcing relationships that aren't there naturally can have the opposite effect to what you are pushing for. For everyone.

I think it's really awful to be suggesting or hinting at using the younger children as pawns. Really nasty.
On that we agree - so why not ask MIL why she has started this? It wasn't the OP.

She hasn't started anything.

She treats DS1 with kindness.

She dotes on a baby, which plenty of people do.

What has she started?

I've already asked:

What if MIL's answer is an accurate "but John isn't Jim's great-grandson"?

What then? Does everyone go no contact because she's told the truth?

It's really not fair to try and force a partner's parents to treat your child from a previous relationship as their own.
Obviously they should be kind, tactful and not deliberately exclude them from family outings, or not send them a birthday card, or spend a lot less on presents for them or overt stuff like that.

But demanding that their step grandchild be treated exactly the same, in every way, as their other grandchildren, and getting annoyed and confrontational if they occasionally slip up is unfair.

This is not directed at the OP who I don't think is behaving like this - but at some of the other posters who seem to feel that step grandparents have an absolute obligation to feel the same about step grandchildren as about their own grandchildren and who should be warned and threatened if they ever get it 'wrong'.

I don't understand the step-grandparent thing at all. For the oldest son, are his father's parents acting as step-grandparents to his younger siblings? Should they publish a remembrance notice for one of their own parents, do they need to mention that the person is missed by the children born to an ex-partner of the deceased's great-grandson in her next relationship? I'd find it weird.

What has she started?
She has made it clear to OP she does not consider DC1 to be family.
That's what she has started - a line in the sand which leaves one child on the wrong side of it alone.

I don’t see what the issue is tbh. He isn’t related to the dead relative and never met him? So why would he be included? He literally has no ties to him whatsoever, whether biologically or familial.
Your DS is being included in day to day life with your DP’s family but he also has his own biological family so it’s weird to assume he should be treated exactly the same at all times as his half sibling.
My DP and I both have two children each from previous relationships, his mum is lovely to my kids when she sees them but doesn’t treat them the same as her GC’s financially (pocket money, treats, presents are always more for DP’s kids) and my mum is similar with my SC’s.
And that’s ok, neither of us expect them to feel the same about their SGC’s as their biological GC’s... in the same way I don’t feel the same way about my SC’s as I do my own children.
They are all loved and happy so it’s a non-issue.

It sounds like it was an oversight if anything, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill

Gosh, furious about about an annual bereavement notice.
I would be a tad upset, but fil has said he'll get it changed.
You and your dh sound easily riled, is there a back story to fil behaviour?

Pressed return to soon.

...esp as it is clear that grandpa at least does truely care for him

She has made it clear that in this particular thing, it wouldn't be appropriate for him to be included. And she's well within her rights to do that.

This is a child who came into their lives at 8 years old, because her son happened to meet someone who already had a child.

He is included as one of their grandchildren but it is utterly ridiculous to suggest that he should be the exact same, always.

Having hurt feelings and raging about biology is absolutely insane and looking to cause trouble, IMO.

He's not family in regards to this. He is family in that middle ground you claim doesn't exist.

My eldest doesn't always visit because I have a normal healthy relationship with his dad. My son goes there every other week.
I still see my ex's parents. They were a huge part of my life for a long time. We send cards/gifts on birthdays etc. If you knew me your any period of time. You would quickly as I don't use my kids as pawns. If they have a relationship I encourage it. I don't put barriers in.
My eldest was visiting my FIL to give him his 'grandad day card'
Grandad was showing him something. That we quickly realised he had been missed out of.
I know for a fact that grandad was mortified.
I now see nan has a different option. That's fine as well. I'll manage it as best as I can.

Wouldn't it be great if everyone thought like kids. Because this 'they aren't his blood grandparents' theme is shocking.

- a line in the sand which leaves one child on the wrong side of it alone.

Well no, not really. It leaves one child on the other side of it with the rest of his blood relatives - his father, possibly stepmother and other siblings, his grandparents...

step grandparents have an absolute obligation to feel the same about step grandchildren
I don't think they they are obliged to feel the same, but they are obliged to treat them the same and not deliberately exclude them from family moments like this.
What did MIL gain by leaving DC1 out? Nothing at all, other than remind everyone that DC1 is not 'real' family. The kid is 13 FFS. Why play mind games like this with a 13 year old?!

She didn't gain anything, presumably. She included the great-grandchildren of the dead man in his memorial. And ds1 isn't one of them. It doesn't have to be anything more sinister or dramatic than that.

But some people really do thrive on drama and feeling victimised, I guess. Which is where problems arise.

@Doingitover out of curiosity, if you still treat ex's family the same, do you expect them to include your younger dc in family things?

Well no, not really. It leaves one child on the other side of it with the rest of his blood relatives - his father, possibly stepmother and other siblings, his grandparents...
But when he is in PILs house without the rest of his family - he is alone. He is the only one who has been singled out as not a real part of the family. On a day where he had gone to give FIL a card that shows he thinks of him as family.
Honestly - this is really is a little bit twisted.