To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

Just wanted to add a couple of things to the good advice you've had here.

Both my brother and I both lost our sons when they were small. One thing I know is that it will, as time goes on, become very, very important to you that you did the stuff you wanted for your child. The funeral/wake are the very last practical things that you will do for your child. It's going to be incredibly important to you that you make it count. I mean when you look back in 30 years. You are going to have to feel that you gave your child the send-off that you wanted to give them.

Also, be aware that you may be numb during the event. People may expect you to be an hysterical mess, but you probably won't be. Nature has a way of protecting us a little, and even though you know the end is coming, it will still send you into shock when it actually happens. I took my son off life support, so rationally I knew he was going to die, but I was still shocked when he did. I spent the wake wandering around smiling, and thanking people for coming. My brother did the same.

So this is really important. You will be in no state to try and put in boundaries on the day, because you will be floating around being terribly polite to everyone. Decide what you want before the event, and ask people to ensure that it all happens.

It's a hard road you're about to step on to. I wish you all the luck in the world.

to all you brave parents in your loss and op you are inspirational xx

Fuck. That.

Selfish fucking scumbags how dare they!!!!!!!!!!

I worry that they won't even allow you to grieve properly because they will probably make it all about them.

Send them the exact arrangements which you and DP have chosen, and tell them if they aren't satisfied then they are more than welcome not to attend.

So so sorry for what you are going through

First of all I am genuinely sorry you are going through this.
Tell your PILs to fuck off. Welcome as guests but not the wake organisers.

I am devastated for you, OP. You don’t owe your PIL anything and it’s fine to tell them to piss off. Hugs to you and your DC

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s the last thing you need at a time like this. I buried my husband six weeks ago, the kids and I were adamant that we would give him the send off that he would have wanted, and that we wanted. We also had to deal with the opinions of others, such as burying him in his home town, the one he swore he would never go back to, and inviting people he had never met. Stay strong OP, his is the last thing you will do for your child, it HAS to be what you want and need x

oh my lovely - i dont have anything to add to the previous posters, but you do what you and DH want

OP.

Please, please cut them out. I vaguely remember a previous thread of yours about them. They are utterly vile people. I'd not even let them come to the funeral. They will create a fuss and make it about them and it's so what you don't need. You don't need your last goodbye to be ruined and taken over by people who are so monumentaly dim that they have to ask why a mother who has a terminally ill child is having counselling. I mean WTAF!

I remember you too OP. Their feelings and what they want are not important. You are being entirely sensible in planning these things now (I wish I'd had the chance when my daughter died but we had no warning). It matters intensely at the time that everything is right. If they have any say at all then that's what will stay with you, not the beautiful and heartfelt send-off you planned.

I'm so sorry that this is even a thing you have to think about.

You have the whole of mumsnet behind you. Yanbu. They are being horrible horrible people. They need to stay in a hotel on the day of the funeral. You absolutely cannot have anyone back to your house. Sending much love zz

I am so sorry your dc is approaching the end. You must be all over the shop emotionally and the last thing you need is in law issues.
You could always try the direct route.
The wake will be here (X)
But we think that is not good enough
Your opinion is not what counts here. It will be at X. That is our choice.

We want to invite x people
That is not what we want so it will not be acceptable. Please DO NOT invite randoms. We want those that know dc personally to be there.

We are paying towards it
That is your choice not our request.

We want time alone after the wake and will not be hosting any visitors AT ALL.

Your choice, your child, your grief, your counselling. Their input is not required.

Here's the thing. If they want a private wake, with their friends, their venue and then hosting people afterwards in their home at their cost, let them knock themselves out.
They have overstepped big time. At this stage, I would be meeting with them to lay down the rules. If they interrupt them tell them they have been instructing you long enough, now it is your turn. Tell them how it will be. Do not Allow them to whine their way round. Your DH should help deliver this news. You guys have enough to handle without negotiating their minefield behaviour. If they want any part of this important time, they play by the rules.

You are so not being unreasonable

You are doing one of the hardest things in life, how you say goodbye to your child is totally up to you. Who attends that goodbye is totally up to you, if there are people you do not want there then tell them not to attend.

Wishing you strength for your child in their end days and for you & your DP.

I just don't know what to say, I'm so appalled at your PIL's disgusting attitude and vile behaviour. How have you not gone NC by now?

I am so sorry you're going through this, OP. I watched a dear friend of mine go through the trauma of burying her very young child. It's not the type of thing of you'd wish on anyone.

This is the time you need people around you who love and support you. Sadly your PIL are obviously not in that category.

I remember some of your other threads and am surprised you're still in contact with these vile people. I think it's beyond time, and could be very therapeutic, to go totally nuclear on them, followed by cutting them off and absolutely not telling them when the funeral is. The last thing you need on that day are their disgusting histrionics.

OP I think I remember you

I am so so sorry it’s got to this stage . Desperately sorry. I remember you PIL and they won’t change and never will

You have nothing to lose by putting your foot down .

I am so so sorry

So sorry you are going through this..
It's completely your decision how the day goes, nobody else's. Whatever you want and whatever you want to do is exactly what should be done x

OP, I am so sorry that your DC is near the end of the line. I have followed your previous threads and you have consistently acted with compassion, grace and kindness. I do wish your ILs would show you the same. At this point, DP needs to tell them to back off. Only you and DP can make the arrangements. As others have said, don’t even tell them in advance.

I shall be thinking of you & your DC.

I am so sorry op.
Yadnbu.

I’m very sorry to hear about your child.

Just tell them that it is not a fucking wedding and they have no say on your plans. they will receive details of the wake in due course like anyone else.

They shouldn’t be causing you more distress and been such bastards at the time you need to focus on being there for your child as much as you can. There is simply no responsibility to keep them happy, this is a funeral NOT a wedding.

Yanbu it is your day, your arrangements. I think you should tell them if they want all that, they arrange a separate wake, which you will not be attending.
Hope the day goes well op. At my mums funeral (wake) I drunk 3 glasses of wine. I was glad for it.

I arranged my son's funeral with help from his friends. DH supported me completely. It was the last thing I did for my child and so, so important to get right.
Do not let these evil, stupid people spoil your last goodbye.
The funeral director will help you and your dh must step up.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, wishing you all the love and strength in the world.

You are completely within your rights to plan everything as you and and DH want it. Tell them to butt out or not to bother coming.

You are a much better person than me op. I’d have told them where to shove it a long time ago.

Let your friends support you and if necessary tell a few home truths. Just because your stupid pil say people can come back to your house doesn’t mean you have to let them.

Wishing you all the best

Sending u love OP! And for all those who have lost their child. There are no words! 😥
Please recruit a friend, a fierce friend who can fight the fight for u, especially if your dh can’t!
I must admit I would be tempted to have a small send off with the people I wanted and then a separate one for the Pil to fill their boots on! 🌺xxx

Just checking in with and for you op and everyone else who has suffered a loss