To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

Pilcan this behaviour is beyond appalling I am open-mouthed at your PIL's utterly self-centred, bullying tactics at this dreadful time.
I just wanted to add to those saying that on no account accept any money from them at all, ever -- it will come with so many strings you will forever be tied to them. If you have to, max out every credit card you have to pay for everything.
If your DC is spending their last few days in a hospice it sounds like the staff there will be ideally placed (and have the experience) to support you in doing what you want and only what you want. I'm sure they'd also keep the PILs in check or away if you ask.
I'm so sorry you're going through this unnecessary stress at this awful time purely because of these horrible people - I would find it hard to forgive them for this behaviour. I sincerely hope you and your family find the strength to get through this and have exactly the service you want for your beautiful DC.

Keep the arrangements private until as late as possible and put a note on any service sheet about photography and social media, as a PP suggested.
Your DH must step up to the plate over this and tell the PILs that when the funeral reception is over you, DH and DC are going back to your home alone, and no-one else is invited. At all.

You know you are not being unreasonable; maybe like the rest of us you cannot believe you are having to go through this and still deal with them.

Why couldn't your DH have sorted this out months ago? Now you have this precious time I know you won't want to spend a moment of it dealing with them.

I am glad your friends are there to help, personally if I was your friend I'd be taking the earliest opportunity to tell them to fuck off and tell your DH in no uncertain terms to tell them to fuck off some more.

So so sorry.

I’d second another family member to be asked to tell them to take a hike. You need a firewall.

No contact at all.

Nothing, but nothing should stress or distract you from this precious time. Totally up to you as a family unit, as parents, what this time and the wake should be. Surround yourselves with cotton wool. Delegate all updates to the one or two trusted friends or family who can then keep others informed and are not to pass any comments back to you.

OP I am so sorry you are in this situation. Your priority right now is DC and no one else. On a professional note I worked with children with life limiting illness for several years. This time is for you and supportive family and friends, no one else. Honestly you have no time or duty to any one else and will regret and resent spending time elsewhere. You mention amazing friends, get the most assertive one to talk to your PILS and point out how this is not about them. They may listen, they may not but as adults they should be able to act reasonably. If not, they are not your problem.

In regards to hospice support, it is incredible and certainly not ' respite'. They are there for the whole family and although parents I worked with were always reluctant once they walked through the doors they became their most important source of support. They are not hospitals and are amazingly life affirming places. The staff there would totally support you in your issues with PILS and offer lots of nice time with DC.

On a personal note DH died very suddenly and organising his funeral was a bit of a minefield. Like you I have very little family and had a crap childhood. DH on the other hand was from a massive family who all wanted some input. Trying to negotiate this whilst in the depths of grief was a bloody nightmare but I think I stood my ground enough so I felt it reflected him. At the end off the day my duty was to our DC then aged 8 who some wanted to exclude totally. We have been the only people waking up every day with a totally changed life so we call the shots.

Finally, very sadly, the last thing you will do for your DC, is organise their funeral. So it is very important that you do what you think is right. X

Nothing more to add apart from sending you virtual hugs at this difficult time.

Oh, and you are definantly not being unreasonable in wanting them to butt out!

I feel so sorry for your family. However, I'm honestly stunned that all the adults involved are being so vile and childish.

Does a wake really matter? It seems to be overshadowing the awful reality of a precious child leaving the earth.

Focus on the DC, nurture the DC. How can you do that while thinking thoughts like "battering the old bitch"'.

I've pretty much been on MN since it was established but feel it's time to leave. It's too depressing . It seems to have degenerated into the solution to every problem being to tell everyone who has a differing opinion to you to "Fuck Off".

Actually I'll go now before I have 10 people telling me to do just that.

My heart is actually breaking for you

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I really understand why you are having counselling just now. I am also sorry that you are about to lose DC. It is so difficult.
I would say that you have to get the PILs to understand things now because when you lose DC you will be in no fit state to cope with such pushy people. The Hospice and the Vicar/Celebrant could be very helpful also the Funeral Directors. They have experience of difficult family situations at Funerals.
DP needs to support you and other DCs just now. If he cant get his parents to understand what their position should be in this it could lead to long lived difficulties between you.

I remember when I had to arrange a funeral I was referred to as the "chief mourner". It might give the PILs the idea that they should stop interfering when they know that either you or DP are Chief Mourner. Make sure that they do not go to the funeral directors with you. They might talk over you.
Funerals are very delicate situations and there are often family strifes. You could say to Funeral Directors that they are only to take instructions from you or DP jointly and definitely not PILs
PiLs are being very stupid their interfering could lead NCs. There could be a massive split in the family which is no use at a time like this. You do have to make your point to them and in this case it may be that you will have to lay it out for them as harshly as it takes.
Sorry for all you are going through

Oh love, I remember your other threads. I'm so so sorry it's come to this. TBH, at this point I think you're entitled to say and do exactly what you want to say and do and fuck them if they don't like it. And I mean that sincerely. If they decide to get an arse on about it, too bad.

No one that knows what you're going through will think anything other than they have it coming if they know iLs, and if they don't know the iLs then all they'll think is that you're under enormous pressure and can't be held responsible for losing it at times. (Because that's the God's honest truth!)

My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace for you and your little one.

If you can bear to, and it's logistically possible where you live, you could do the Northern Irish thing and have the funeral very quickly. Dad passed away recently, on a Friday. The funeral was on Sunday. We had "house private" on the death notice and only close family to the house on Saturday night and nobody on Sunday night. The funeral itself was pretty big but we got through most of the handshakes and condolences in one go before the start and we had close family only at the grave for the interral then back to the church hall to mop up the handshakes and traybakes. We didn't have anyone round to the house on Sunday night.
I appreciate this wouldn't be possible in a busy crematorium but you could have the whole thing private and do the "celebration of life" event at a later date. If you do this, consider having something like "church/posh hotel/mountaintop/whatever the chosen venue open from X time (about an hour before the service), ceremony at Y time" in the newspaper notice/round robin email. Stand in the lobby at X time with DP +/- both sets of parents and greet eveeyone coming in. That way you can get all the handshakes out of the way before the start. Have a couple of friends or sensible family gently ushering people on in so nobody lingers- doing it before the ceremony in a lineup right by the door means most people have the wit to say their wee piece to you and move on reasonably quickly. Then after the ceremony you only have to drink tea and eat scones with/get drunk and cry with the people you really want to talk to and everyone else can chat to each other and leave when they want as they won't be hovering to talk to you as honour is already satisfied, and then you can go home to peace and quiet.

, and I hope the end is peaceful for your little one, and for you and DP.

OP I'm so sorry. You are so strong. Thinking of you and especially your DC.💐

Oh, and I agree with Stillme1. Don't meet the funeral director with PILs. I bet funeral directors have plenty of experience of gently but very firmly refusing any other family members crass and pushy enough to try to take over.

Pil have nothing to do with your ds funeral. It's you and the df business. Keep their nebs out.
You and DH make all arrangements between you with the support of your closest friends hopefully.
This is what I did, albeit dd' s death was unexpected.
Funeral service at home.
Back to home for tea.
No alcohol anywhere.
People from around the country left.
We left the house the next day and stayed with friends and family of our choice. We drank cried hugged and hurt. That went on for a couple of weeks or more at four different destinations.
We came back to face the house when we could face it. We wanted privacy. Proper people respected that.
Do the service get rid and go away. No drama just you and DH.
I am so so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

Pilcan, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I heard a quote once and it helped me a little when I lost my baby. It’s been a long time now but I still think of it...

Unable are the loved to die, for love is eternal.

Your child will never truly leave you. Please don’t let them ruin these last days. My thoughts are with your family.

🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸🌼🌸

When my son died, ExH grandfather tried to take over the arrangements at every opportunity. He took it upon himself to tell us when and where he would be buried, how many people we should "invite", what everyone should wear, what music to play...you get the picture. He then informed all of his side of the family of these "plans". At this point DS hadn't even been released to the funeral home (it took almost 2 weeks due to tests and a lengthy post mortem) so there was no confirmed date for the funeral.
Once he was released he attempted to see him on 3 seperate occasions at the funeral home. As ds was only 19 days old they prefer relatives not to visit as they don't preserve them. He was told this by us and the directors but he still persisted. They eventually threatened him with the police.
On the day of the funeral he decided to greet everyone at the door, attempted to stop a few members of my family and several of my work friends from entering as "it was too crowded" (almost 200 people showed up). My own dad had to step in and tell him to back off, which he turned into a massive sobbing scene. Afterwards he told everyone that I made it about myself and didn't care how his family felt i.e. didn't let him take over (hence why they are now exs).

In short tell them to fuck off and do what you want for your child. Speak to the funeral home and staff at your chosen venue and explain that they have to have no say whatsoever. They'll be more than happy to help you.
It's an awful thing to have to arrange but I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you and your DH x

You only get one last chance to be with your precious child. Right now you and your dh are focusing on completely the wrong things. These people don’t matter. The only people, who do are your children and your little family.

Do you know why you and your dh are still giving these idiots headspace? Is it because you were brought up in care and see having parents as something you desperately want and would never push your dh into going nc with them?

Please let me be clear. These people are utter cunts. I’ve read your other threads and commented on most of them. They don’t care about anyone’s feelings but their own. Not you, not your husband or your children. They have absolutely no concept of how to react and behave in this situation. They are narcissists and I assume your dh is in the fog.

Please. Just tell these idiots to fuck off. Shut the conversation down. Tell the hospital they are not welcome to visit. Don’t answer the door to them. Don’t answer the phone. This really is all they deserve.

I am so sorry to hear this about your child, life is so unfair. I think you really should have went NC with your PIL long long before now. But now I think you really have to think about asking them not to go to the funeral service altogether. If they disrespected me and caused me so much grief while my child was dying, they would never be allowed in my house ever again. You really need to speak with you husband about this - now - before it is too late. They need to be stopped and barred from the funeral service or at the very least, the wake. You are most certainly NOT being unreasonable, not in the slightest, but you do need to act to cut them out of your lives for good for your sake and your remaining DC sake. If DH wants to see them (even after they disrespected the mother of his dying child!) then let him see them alone, far away from you and your family. You will not get any peace until they know they are not to come near you and to stay away from you on the day.

Op sorry I didn't even empathise with what you are going through. It must be hell. Please take strength from where you can.
Nobody understands what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. This is your child, and as the parents you have every say and the last say

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's heartbreaking to read.

I think any person, even if they are family, who is making your life any more difficult than it already is facing losing your child, should be ashamed of themselves. Ideally they would be involved and supportive but as that doesn't seem to be the case then you are absolutely not being unreasonable to tell them it's not there business.

In the future, I think something that will help you get through, is knowing that you did things how you wanted, the best for your child, so don't let anyone take that away from you.

My thoughts are with your family.

OzziePopPop beautifully put. X

Is there anyone that you can get to act as a sort of chaperone between you and PIL? Not sure if there are services available to you that would offer this type of support - I.e. a social worker or someone your therapist could recommend? If not, then a close friend? Someone who can tell PIL to fuck right off with their 'ideals' but doesn't mean the words have to come out of your mouth or take up as much of your head space.

The comment about you being in therapy is absolutely disgusting. They should be so ashamed of themselves.

I hope your DH is able to step up to the mark and tell them that if they don't stop, they won't be invited to the funeral at all.

Is there anything to stop you and DH from having a private funeral? Are there others that you do want to invite or are you doing it more for their sakes than yours?

I really do feel for you OP. I hope you can, one day, find some comfort.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this and I remember your other threads.

Please sit your DP down as a matter of urgency and put a stop to this.

Tell them you don't want their money.

Arrange everything without them and don't tell them. tell them the details only at the last minute or ideally not at all.

Either uninvite them or have a large group of friends around you to act as bouncers on the day.

You owe them nothing and whatever you do now will not make the relationship any worse, it is already as bad as it can get so just do what need to do to help yourselves.

IF your DP doesn't back you up then enact your idea of leaving with the DC. He needs to have your back now more than ever.

I hope you find the strength to finally tell these awful people to fuck off once and for all.

You only get one last chance to be with your precious child. Right now you and your dh are focusing on completely the wrong things. These people don’t matter. The only people, who do are your children and your little family.

This.

Who gives a shake of a rat's tail what they want or what they think? Completely ignore them.

Your dp and friends need to remove these people from your lives.

You can not be dealing with such huge emotions and have your pil on the sidelines making things even worse.

Weave a circle of care around you and dc, limiting who comes near you at this point. They should be first in the list of outsiders that are not welcome.

Your friends can be stationed at the funeral to ensure it is done your way, but for the moment you must be allowed to spend time with your child in total peace.

I am at a loss to know what to say to comfort you. Call your friends / close family show them this thread and let them help you.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I hope you and your dh,dc find some peace soon.

As for you Inlaws, is there some one they will listen too, another of your DP family who could explain that this is not the time or place to force themselves onto you.

I'm sure the funeral home will have dealt with is this in the past and can help.

My heart breaks for you and your dh and other dc

I think you need to give it to the ILs with all guns blazing. Don't hold back, what's the point? They clearly don't listen if you talk to them nicely, maybe the only way they'll listen is if you allow yourself to feel all that anger and resentment and tell them how it is. Maybe the shock of your reaction will make them realise what the hell they're doing. Maybe not, but I'll be you'll feel better having being able to finally release all the stress they've caused you.

I am wishing you lots of strength over the coming days/months and my thoughts are with you.