To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

I really wouldn't worry about upsetting them at this point. It might be quite therapeutic.
Broken record. We will be doing it how we want it. On repeat. Then walk away.

On and ask the vicar to mention the no social media thing.

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Just to echo PP, this is about you, your DH and your DC. Literally nobody else matters, what you all need to get through each day is all that is important.

It’s nowhere near the same, but when my Mum was having end of life care, Dad employed me (not literally like paying obviously) as a bouncer when people were overstepping the line. Because I can be blunt and he didn’t have it in him, so I would be the buffer between him and Mum and whoever was being an arse (there were a surprising amount of arses).

I hope your friends can be that for you, and that your ILs back off.

Do what you need to do to cope, whatever that is. They don’t matter.

This thread is a very hard read, heartbreaking.
Could you write them a letter, with the help of the funeral home, politely letting them know, that all arrangements have been made, and finalised. Family and friends will be notified in due course.
Don't accept their money, or have an open house afterwards.
Sending love and strength OP.🌸

I am so very sorry you're going through all of this. It's horrible, and so unfair. You're amazing for holding everything together for so long.

When you get to that horrible day, I would seriously consider telling your PILs the wrong date. So if the funeral is going to be on a Wednesday, tell them it'll be on the Friday. They'll kick up a stink when they turn up on the Friday and realise they've missed everything, but you can easily blame the mistake on your grief and it'll mean you're not confronted with them and their hangers-on when you deserve some space and compassion.

That temper you're holding in? I think they need to hear it.

It's utterly awful that they are doing this, and so very, very unfair.

You ANBU in any way whatsoever!! I’m afraid I would be telling them that if they don’t show you and your child some respect and decency by putting YOU first and not what they want, then they will not be spending any time with your DC now or attending the funeral.

YANBU in any way. Get angry and tell them to fuck right off. How fucking dare they?!
This is your child and it’s your opinions that matter, you get to say goodbye in any way you like and you do not have to explain yourself to anyone.
Make your decisions and tell them that’s the way it’s happening and it’s not up for discussion full stop.

Gosh this is one of the most awful things I have read on here. How dare they behave like that towards you. It's absolutely disgusting.
This is the time your DP needs to step up. I know he must be struggling too but he has to protect you and your DC

You have to do whats right for you and your child and sod everyone else and their opinions.

My beautiful forever 10 year old ds went into remission in October 2017 from a brain tumour. On 16th December we found out it was back and terminal. He passed only 17 days later on 2nd January at home in my bed.

We had a lightning McQueen coffin with matching casket for his ashes - My mum did not approve, it should have been white as he is a child!

The music going in to the ceremony was an Ed Sheeran song which ds found hilarious because it contained the words "with his eyebrows plucked and his arsehole bleached". His music coming out was the theme tune to the Cars movies. Again my mum did not approve. Apparently something like Celine Dione would have been much nicer!

This was the last thing I could do for ds and I wanted to do what was right and appropriate for him.

As for the GP visiting every week do your in-laws not realise that if this wasn't happening your poor dc would end up having an autopsy? Even though my ds was terminal from cancer if the GP surgery hadn't been involved he would have been subjected to an autopsy to find cause of death.

As hard as it is, tell them to keep out of it and you'll be doing what you think is right. We've had to tell my in-laws to stop buying trinkets for his grave. They didn't like it but tough shit.

Sorry you're going through this x

So sorry for your loss Muddling

I'm so sorry this is happening. You are going through the worst thing and they are making it all about them, not thinking about you and DP. They sound awful and incredibly selfish. You only get to do this once, so do it the way you want, give your child the funeral you want. Put you and your DP first and do what you have to.
Is there any way your friends could take over and try and sort things out a bit? This is the last thing you need. Spend the time with your child and try to forget them for now if you can. Sending lots of love xx

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru this OP.

It might be worth speaking very frankly to GP, hospice and funeral home to see if they can support you with PIL. They will have seen these things before and have advice, at least.

Oh darling, I have been thinking of you....
Your outlaws are utter, utter fuckers, and while they may grieve the loss of their grandchild, it is the reflective grief that does not account for the loss of the person but instead maximizes the attention it brings upon themselves. This is why they are already planning how the funeral should be carried out - in a style that properly reflects “their status” and then conveniently puts you in your place as the caterers. FUCK. THAT!!! Their complete lack of empathy is astounding. No wonder you are exhausted and resentful. Please know that although we don’t know you in person, we are trying to lend you our strength to be who you need to be for your DC and the times ahead. (And if you PIL bitchslapped, you’ve got a whole army of us at your back!)

I can’t even imagine what you are going through. It’s heartbreaking just reading this. I don’t have much else to say that hasnt already been said by other posters, but I know that if you do not take control of this and do things the way you want, you will regret it

I know it’s not comparable, but I was raised by my grandparents. When my grandma died, all these relatives came out of the woodwork trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I was her carer at the end, she knew she was dying and told me everything she wanted. She didn’t want it to be sad, more a celebration of her life. I let her sister sway me on a few things and I regret it even now, as I know it’s not what she wanted. It still niggles and whenever I see her sister I get a rage that really isn’t even rational.

Do things exactly how you, your DH and your dc want. This is about you and sending off your beautiful boy in the way you want. I’m shocked they are even putting this kind of pressure on you at such a time.

I really will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers OP

Ensure the whole day is organised from start to finish, exactly how you want it to be. Write it all down, no matter how idiosyncratic it might seem, put it on there, much like an order of service for the day.
Include use of phones, cameras, social media etc.
Send to everyone in advance. Make it clear, anyone taking photos will be asked to leave.

As far as PIL are concerned it is all nonnegotiable, that is it. They can come should they wish to abide by your arrangements.
Your DH has to deal with his parents during the next month, and I’m sure they will wish to see their DGC. You can use that time to look after yourself, minimal contact with them.

((())) and 💐

I've followed your previous threads. I'm so sorry about your DC . Your PILs have made every stage harder, haven't they? I'd second what others have said: whenever they suggest something you just say something non-committal, do it your own way, and tell them the details at the same time as you do the funeral announcement. YANBU at all to have it the way you want.

Maybe you've seen this before but the ring theory of hurt and comfort is how I think of these things - people closer to the bereavement should be helped by people further out, and not vice versa. So you do everything you can to help your DC, who is at the centre of this, and when you need to vent about things, you talk to one of your friends, who is further out. Your PILs are grieving, and maybe that is making them act out, but you're way more affected by this than they are and it's not your job to have to manage them.

I am so sorry you are dealing with asshats at this time.
I'd be tempted to let them plan whatever the hell they want. And then just do whatever you want and need. Have any friends run interference. Have a wake where you want it and have the asshats at the asshat wake. If you return home, unplug the doorbell and draw the curtains.
I hope you get some more smiles x

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this pain.
Your in-laws are assholes, but you already know that.

When I have a certain relative cross the line, I simply tell them that it's not about them. It's usually enough of a reality check to get them to back down for a bit.

Why are you still engaging in discussions with these people?

I'm enraged on your behalf. How dare they.

How idiotic of previous posters to tell you your focus should be on your child and not on your inlaws . Ridiculous. OF COURSE your focus is on your DC, just because you posted about them here doesn't mean your entire life is consumed by them ffs.

Right. Priorities. First off, talk to your DH and make him well aware just how much this is upsetting you. HE needs to deal with his parents, not you.

"We'll be organising the funeral and wake PiL, it's extremely important to us that we say goodbye to DC in our own way and that means we'll be fully in control of the arrangements. If this upsets you that's unfortunate.". Repeat repeat repeat whenever it's brought up.

Other than that, don't engage. Don't talk about the funeral arrangements in their presence and get a funeral director on board now. Make it very very clear to the FD that only you and your husband can give them direction, and that if they haven't heard it from your mouths, it's not an instruction. They'll be well versed in this situation don't worry.

When FiL died, we had 8 weeks beforehand where it was very obvious he was going to go soon. Together FiL, MiL and DH made a ton of plans and it really helped them all process the loss that was coming. When he died, FiL's mother decided to try and instruct the funeral director but we'd pre-empted it and instructed the FD to only take plans/ instruction from MiL or DH. They shut down GMiL immediately with a simple 'It's our policy to only take direction from the next of kin I'm afraid, regardless of who is paying for what'. Really simple and it saved a family fall out.

As for people trying to come to your house afterwards: WTF. Add 'house private' to the order of service along with the details of the wake. Also utilise your excellent friends to spread it around the guests that you're both very clear that you want to be alone with your kids that evening. If you have a friend with a good stoney stare, glue her to your side and use her as a wankbadger shield all day, she'll only be too happy to help.

Depending how you feel about this, my final bit of advice would be to give PiL a job. Old relatives are excellent for this. Can PiL be responsible for making sure great aunt pat gets to and from the venue and has her food etc etc? Make them busy with things you really don't care about. One fantastic thing our FD's did for us was made GMiL the 'go to' person for them on the day. They just kept approaching her and asking her ridiculous questions that made her feel important like 'where would you like this particular flower arrangement to go?' "we need a designated cloakroom area GMiL, can you help us to direct guests there?". It made her feel useful and meant that MiL, DH and I could look after each other without having to deal with her as well.

Finally, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through

Oh op I’m so so sorry they haven’t got any better (I recognise you - I think about you and your dc quite a lot actually)

I agree with others, let rip at them. They have crossed the line so many times and so badly, is there any way you can keep them away completely from now on?

What’s your dh’s take on all this?

It sounds like your DP is not protecting the family from them. How is he coping?