To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

The said what? Fuck them! The selfish arseholes
I’m actually raging for you!
Conselling was a sensible move, don’t let them tell you otherwise xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You don't sound at all unreasonable. They sound like arseholes. I'm usually a pretty placid person but I think I would struggle not to blast them over this. Can you get your DP to tell them straight how it's going to be? I wouldn't entertain any deviations from that.

I remember you other threads I think op.
I’m so so sorry.
I would tell them to butt out and if they don’t they can’t come to the funeral. Now is not the time for their cunty shit (NEVER is the time for their cunty shit).

I have sadly been through similar. I'm so sorry you are in this position. My best advice would be to get every professional involved on side to protect you. Funeral director, vicar, pub landlord etc. They will want you to be satisfied. Don't accept any money from pil. We had absolutely nobody back after the wake and it was the right thing. We needed to collapse and regroup. Do you have a children's hospice involved? Ours were excellent at helping us plan and arrange the service. We stayed there after our loss, turned off our phones and the staff were willing to divert calls until we were ready for them. Once the funeral is over, find a way to protect yourself and your family from these horrid people, I would think nc.

I'm a pretty easy-going person, and I am not cruel, but if they didn't straighten up I'd seriously consider not telling them about the service until after the fact. Consequences be damned.

OP I can't imagine what you are going through. But please arrange the day you believe is what should happen and then tell them what is happening. You know your little one inside out and you and dp need this opportunity to make it the day it should be regardless of who is paying.
I am so sorry you are going though this. You are all in my thoughts.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. Yadnbu.

The only reason I’m in counselling is because I know that if I don’t get my feeding out somewhere, it will come out either after the funeral or when they cross yet another line and if I’ve not put a lid on my anger over it, I won’t be able to help or hold back my actions. This has been building for a long time (3 years) and I’m sick to death of it, they can’t even let my child die in peace! It’s Mother is stressed to the eye balls and is tying to keep herself together, care for DC and run a household, while resisting putting DC into a hospice for a few hours rest, I’m tired, I’m emeritus all and I can feel myself reaching breaking point

Yanbu in the slightest.
Tell them to shut up or fuck off. You and your dp get to call the shots on this one. No questions
Should you wish the wake to be held on a mountain top with circus animals and ballerinas then so be it!
I'm so so sorry to hear you are going through this. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family xxx

Firstly, I am so so sorry

Secondly, they can FUCK OFF. It is your child and they are not allowed to do this. They are NOT ALLOWED. It is your child.

I am so so very sorry. I think you need to agree with your DH what is to be done, but if he wants to fall in with his parents wishes do you have real help to offer close family and friends that you can be with for the wake on your terms?
I know that this may mean your family unit fracturing - you one way, your DH and his parents the other, but you have to do what is right for you at this terrible terrible time.

I truly wish I had a better solution. That this wasn't happening at all

So sorry your little one is going through this and you are really a incredible parent to your child. Do what is best for you 2. You are the important people in this and anyone who disagrees with your plans should know better and stop the demands as it is not being respectful to you as the parents.

I also thought I recognised you from previous threads, with a common theme about the in-laws, unfortunately. So sorry to hear your latest issue.

Certainly the in-laws shouldn't be doing any of the planning and nor would I accept any help from them (financial or otherwise).

Unless you spend their money on hiring security that would keep them in check! As for unruly guests, speak to the Funeral Directors as they can keep an eye on them during the service and take action if necessary.

I second the idea of asking funeral directors etc for help in managing family. Perhaps be slow to publish details of the service and wake. I’d be tempted to say when you do “We are grateful for you respecting our privacy. We would be very upset if photos were taken today or posts written on social media”. You can’t stop arseholes being arseholes, but you can prevent them from having the excuse that they thought it was ok/didn’t matter etc.

PIL are VU. About everything. Can you try and say to them that this is hell and their behaviour is making it worse?

Pilcan I also remember your other threads.

I’m not one for escalating an argument or swearing but sweetheart if there was ever an acceptable time for giving in to your anger and telling them to fuck off this is it.

There are not their decisions to make.

I’d be blindingly clear that these aren’t their decisions to make and ifvany family members show up st your house after the funeral they will be sent away.

Sending you big unmumsnetty

I am so very sorry you aren't going through all of this.

They can fuck off. You and your DC are at the centre of this, your coping and your grief. You need to cope and do it in your own way, and starting counselling now seems exactly the right thing to do. Everything should have you at the centre and you absolutely should not be shouldering the grief for other people and hosting them st your house.

YANBU, not even in the slightest. The day when it finally comes is about you and DH saying goodbye in the way you and only you two see fit. Fuck everyone else. Have a drink, get absolutely shitfaced if it eases your pain in any way. It's nobody else's business.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this shit on top of everything else

Oh sending my love to you OP. No excuse but your IL might drink to cope with the grief of losing their GC. However do what is in your heart and what you want, not anyone else. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Make memorys with your DC and cherish the time left. X

Oh sweetheart how bloody awful.

I think your best advice was from zivashhighkick and to you xx

Could you enlist some trusted friends to turn people away that try and come back to your home afterwards?

No sane person would question why you need counselling. Of course you need an outlet. You don't however need to keep a lid on your anger with them. Save it for later and choose to disengage. Do whatever you need to get through for now. But they deserve your anger.

I am so sorry for your terribly difficult situation.

You know you are not unreasonable at all. Please plan and have the event exactly as you want it, it will be very difficult, almost impossible, but maybe having the send off you choose will make it a tiny bit easier.

Do not under any circumstances have anyone back to your home afterwards. It will be your sanctuary and you will need space and time. You know this. You must say now clearly not one single person who is not your immediate family will come through the door or follow you back.

"FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!"

I think your DP needs to decide if he wants to use this as a time to go 'low contact' with his family.

"...part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to..."

I would agree this may be the best plan, and have a service of celebration in a few weeks which is open to all family.

I really would consider making this an invited friends only and offer family a chance to attend a service in a few weeks time. Keep venue secret from any you do not want to be there. You don't need to tell your in laws who will be there, just that there will be a service later in the month for all.

This will greatly upset them, but it sounds like they are not really thinking about you at all.

No you're not unreasonable. Have it on your terms. Not anyone elses. And don't be afraid to be assertive about that. Not that you should damn well have to be. I'm so sorry

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this. Don’t let your PILS pay for anything. Not one thing. Surround yourself with people who can help you; do what you and your DP need/want to do. If that means telling the PILS exactly what you think of them, and their interference, then so be it.