To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

Been thinking of you OP.

Thinking about you and your DC and family (not PIL!)

These people are horrible, they have not been in your situation and cannot possibly understand what you need or what you are going through. Tell them it is your choice, their friends can go to their house, they can go a hotel TTotal but you will do what you want! Do not give in, this is such a important time for you and you should be with your child not fighting the in-laws for the right to have a drink! Your a fully grown woman! Also you don't want to give in and regret it later? Do whatever you want and if they don't like it they can get lost... Or honestly send me their address and I will happily drive to their house and scream at them on your behalf! So angry on your behalf!

Your PIL is an arse and you have enough to be getting on with without interference from them.
I would be firm and state that "its nice of you to offer, but this time is going to be difficult enough, so we want.....( whatever). I WILL be wanting a stiff drink after the funeral, and I am NOT having anyone back at the house after the wake, as DH and I need to be on our own, as we are going to have to get through the day in the glare of other people. And I ask that you respect our wishes...
Arseholes as they are, it might be best ( for you), not to go full tonto on this, tempting as it is. I really think you are going through enough without this escalating.
Thinking about you at this difficult time OP..

You have to do it your way. Wishing you all the strength in the world

You have been nothing but dignified throughout this whole shebang, I remember your other threads. What a shower of shits they are.

Spines gladly shared.

Good luck to you all, I wish you the best. Definitely look into family respite and hospice, you might be able to get a few days together without the wankers making it all about them.

It sounds awful for you op. Sadly I know how you feel I lost my dd1 nearly 3years ago. I actually didn't attend the wake. We had to wait 3 weeks for dd's funeral and by that time everyone around me was starting to drive me to distraction. I know several family members thought it was awful I didn't go,and said as much to DH.
Do what's best for you.
Take Care of yourself.

I’m completely speechless at your in laws.

Stay strong and I send you lots of love.

Take a deep breath, spit it all out and tell them how it is going to be. These last moments should be for you, your dc and your dh. You can deal with the fallout if and when you choose to at some point in the future. Please dont waste this precious time on these idiots who are obviously bothered about how things look
If ever there was a time for you to be selfish this is it.

Thinking about you and yours lass.

Hi op
Hope your ok.
Your thread has resonated with me.
I can’t begin to imagine how your feeling. Please take it one day at a time. Make sure your eating and drinking little and often x

How are things op?

Tell your in in laws to hold their own wake.

That these people (give them a list of names) are welcome at the service but we are having our wake here, you are welcome but anyone not on the list is not welcome, there will be security on the door.

Do it your way! Planning and holding a funeral is the worst thing in the world and even worse when it’s your child. Do not be bullied into anything that they want.

I hope your DP has your back.

I was 15 when my brother died, there was no way any of my family would have demanded my parents would do something they didn’t want. Our family did what family is supposed to do and rallied around them to help them when they were heartbroken.

@Pilcanpissoff im so sorry you are going through this, i hope you are doing as well as can be expected at this difficult time & that the pil are behaving, big hugs & for you x

I am so very sorry to hear about your DC 🌷

This is your child, NOT theirs. Stick to your plan and take no more of their crap. Stop holding back and let them have both barrels. If DP doesn’t like it TOUGH.

The last thing you need right now is them FFS.

I’d tell DP that If they cause one bit of fuss at the funeral, you will not be responsible for your actions and either he goes NC with them, or you’re leaving him.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with them and their crap.

I am so sorry. I didn’t notice the date of the posts. I don’t know how the PP found your thread or thought it was a good idea to post on it.

I’m very sorry I added to it.