To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

Evening everyone!

I’ve had a rather productive day,

I contacted the FD that DP and I had chosen for DC, I was reassured by the lovely lady that they only accept instructions from “the client” which in my case, is me, since I am the one signing documents, next of kin etc,

I read DP the riot act aka “it’s not a fucking wedding reception you know, and your parents social status means fuck all when you’re dead” I may --definitely did-- have called them self involved, entitled cunt badgers cross bred with twat waffles, it really was no holds barred...

So in short,

Only invited guests back to the house if and when we feel ready,

And DP and I will be selecting the venue for the wake, and DP will have free livense to exclude self involved selfie loving relatives and can do so without giving a fuck because well, fuck them and the horses they rode in on!

Thank you so much for lending me your spines yet again!

your child, your wishes. tell them to fuck off.

Nice one.

Is he up for the joint assertive effort or all wound up in people pleasing?

Well done OP. I’m cheering you on from the sidelines! You may borrow my spine any time you need it; you need it far more than I do. Courage and strength, OP. 💐

for the weeks to come.

Just a thought but would one of your friends be willing to have you back there for a bit. So have a wake (in a place of your chosing) and then towards the end your friends head off. You follow shortly after but go to theirs for an hour or so of relaxing and memories with some real friends. By the time you get home PIL and hangers on will have given up on checking in at your house and gone to the hotel of their choice.

Relaxing doesn't sound like quite the right word - I don't mean to upset you, but that is the closest to how it felt each time once the guests had gone and just close friends and family left.

I´m glad your DH is working with you in arranging this. You make the arrangements you want and ignore your PiLs. They sound truly awful.

Well done OP, glad you're doing this your way.

Op hats off to you! This is your celebration of your darling child’s life... you only get one take, so make it something you can look back on and know it was what your own family wanted. Keep any money to one side to throw back at them at the first comment and tell them you can’t be bought! Xxx

Well done op.

I recognise you op! I think of you often. I am so pleased to see your latest post. I was coming on to say that FD will only take instruction from the person who pays/named client, so make sure that's you!

You can also ask FD to bar them from funeral and from the undertakers, I believe, although that's really drastic (I discovered this on I'm an FD- AMA in classics). FD staff will be very much on your side and view their role as doing the last possible things people can do for your DC and getting it right for YOU. In the same way, this is about you respecting your DCs wishes for the last time. You do what it takes to get YOU through the day and make it yours and DCs day, not theirs. I've followed your threads and I think you're brilliant. I'd have killed those idiots by now!

OP, I've seen some of your threads, and your PIL are just, well, I have no words.

I'm so sorry for you, your DP and DC.

I would like to second shouldwestayorshouldwego's idea of not going home directly from the wake, to avoid the PIL following and trying to get in. I wouldn't be surprised if they try, even after being told you don't want them there.

Well done you!

YANBU to do this in whatever way you need to. Even if that means not telling your PIL’s the late until it’s imminent.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP and I’m disgusting that your PILs are making it all about them

Well done love

Good luck, I’m so so sorry for you xxx

yanbu, they most definitely are. You mentioned a hospice. Our local children's hospice offers respite for the whole family at times like these. You can stay there, they take on the medical part and you and your family make memories. They can also help with funeral plans and will definitely help put your ILs in their place. They can help make a horrendously sad time very slightly easier for you.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

By God, you are a hell of a woman! You don't need spine from us, you have plenty already, you know.

Can I third the suggestion to go on to someone else’s place? At our last family funeral we stopped serving food and drink when we had had enough, and people got the hint and left. This included all of the relatives who saw it as a free drink and a bit of a party. We simply said that we needed to make up beds for those who were staying. Once they had all gone, those of us that were left, sat down together for dinner (that I’d cooked and brought from Paris) and had a lovely quiet evening reminiscing. If you can do this at a close friend’s house, so much the better. We stayed put as it was a huge house and family had come from the Czech Republic and Hungary, and were tired from speaking English or German all day.

Think breathing is more the term I failed to find earlier. As MrsSchadenfreude says that quiet time but with a few friends around who you know really well gives you the space to breathe. You will go home but you don't want to step into conflict. If PIL complain then point out that you have warned them and there will be no gathering back at the house.

You are an absolute inspiration OP. Massive hugs

Sending big higs, not much to add but children's hospices are about living. They are happy places. Please go and visit which even is your nearest. A relative used to have rest bite in one and we used to go and see to visit him. You can still do all the care if you want, but each child has a nurse than can also do it. siblings and extended family can also stay when and if needed. You can have meals with everyone else or not its really up to you. It also gets your other child in the system for more support later on.

Do what suits you and your dh op mumsnet is here for you day and night fir support my love. Xxxx

Perhaps you should mention to your school that your PIL have mental health issues and are the subject of a potential court order, and that having that information and space open to the general public creates potential safety hazards and are putting your children at risk.

Oh no - sorry op - wrong post. Of all posts... I'll ask that this was removed. (Although your PIL are definitely not your full packet of biscuits!!!)