To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

Gosh OP, your PIL are awful!

I think the line (to be repeated ad nauseam) to them is "Thank you, we do not need any help with the arrangements." You don't need to say sorry, you don't need to explain why.

Also, of course a grief counsellor is a good idea - you're grieving now!

Thinking of you and your family

Depending how you feel about this, my final bit of advice would be to give PiL a job. Old relatives are excellent for this. Can PiL be responsible for making sure great aunt pat gets to and from the venue and has her food etc etc? Make them busy with things you really don't care about. One fantastic thing our FD's did for us was made GMiL the 'go to' person for them on the day. They just kept approaching her and asking her ridiculous questions that made her feel important like 'where would you like this particular flower arrangement to go?' "we need a designated cloakroom area GMiL, can you help us to direct guests there?". It made her feel useful and meant that MiL, DH and I could look after each other without having to deal with her as well

I like this advice

I am so very sorry to hear this. Hugs to you.

Might the simplest solution be to let them organise 'their' wake in the big hotel? Just don't tell them that you won't be there. Instead you, and the people you want there, will be going to a church hall (or wherever) and toasting with alcohol. Make sure your friends know of these plans, and to disregard anything else they hear. And don't tell the PILs.

When you get home refuse to answer the door. You don't have to let anyone in.

So sorry to hear you aregoing through this. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling

I think I would book the places you want to say goodbye to your child, and then tell the PIL what the details are. They are welcome to come, but if they don't think it's appropriate then they don't have to come

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through.

You are 100% not being unreasonable, even if it's their grief talking, they need to back the fuck off and let you and your DP make the arrangements and make the most of your time together.

I really feel for you; I too do not have any close family/grew up in a care environment (fostered then adopted) yet my DP is incredibly close with his family, I just cannot understand that dynamic and would happily be left alone by everyone - my ILs aren't even bad - yours are obviously hell. I also wouldn't want people there feeding off my grief and making the day about them, I have a particular 'family' member who checks themselves into funerals, constantly posts on sm about someone who knew someone they know dying etc.. fishing for the 'u ok hun?xoxo' type comments. I can't think of anything worse to put up and would end up flipping. This is your child, your decisions.

Just don’t tell them till it is all organised. In fact tell them as late as possible. They can mourn how they want but you get to choose your goodbye to your child.

eyy A normal close family supports each other, aren't overbearing and is helpful, rather than argumentative. Your il's maybe close, but they don't sound very nice.

These pils are just arsehats.

I'm so sorry to hear everything you're going through. I'm caring for my DF who's dying of cancer less than 2 months after my mother died of the same thing. I can't even imagine how much harder it must be to go through that process with a child. My heart breaks for you.

But I just wanted to say that, from everything you've said, you're doing remarkably well and I'm lost in admiration that you're managing to plough through, even with issues like this. Many people would've been crushed in your position so it's a testament to your strength that you're holding everything together so well.

It's such a difficult thing to lose a close family member and some of the hardest things to cope with are the things I never expected to be an issue.

Like you, I had so much interference from extended family members and friends, navigating people's "opinions" on whether they should stay at home, or eventually go to the hospice (Mum stayed at home, Dad chose the hospice - both times I've had people tell me I made the wrong choice but all I did was support their choices). Or what treatment they chose and how it was the wrong type, or how I should have pushed for more at the hospital... ad nauseum.

Not to hijack, I just wanted to say that I know how difficult family interference can be at such a raw and painful time. In my opinion, having to deal with other people who feel entitled to get aggressively involved in the process, was the hardest part because I just wanted to concentrate on my parent. I didn't want to be distracted with pandering to someone's feelings or pulled about by having to go visit and explain the same things over and over again to relatives who wouldn't bother visiting but demanded I go to theirs to deliver updates in person.

I came to the conclusion that this is just some people's way of dealing with it. They're not intimately involved so they exercise their hold when it comes to decisions they can cope with or understand.

It doesn't make dealing with it easier. What they're doing to you is unforgiveable when you need all the help and support to get through this and help the rest of your family do the same. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll realise that for a very long time.

Sorry, I just wanted to let you know that you are in no way unreasonable and you have to do whatever you need to for your own mental wellbeing throughout this. Including telling them to fuck off and mind their own business, if it buys you a little respite from the bombardment.

But, if it's at all possible, I'd try to let go of any anger at them because it'll just hurt you and they won't even realise.

I ended up categorising my family into two groups - the "reasonables" who I could talk to and get advice from or use as sounding boards, and the "snowflakes" who felt that they needed to be emotionally coddled by me because they were FEELING all the sads and I needed to respect that and help them.

Ultimately, I just avoided the snowflakes, ignored them or paid them minimal lipservice in the case of the borderline cases. Just try to shut them out as much as possible for the time being.

Can you ask your DP to get them to back off? He can tell them they're loved and they're welcome to visit but right now, you, your DP and your children need time to work through this together and cherish the moments you have left.

Your parents in law sound selfish and silly. I don't think they're intending to hurt you or cause you grief, I doubt they've even thought about it that much. Can you, in your mind, sort of write them off for now - just earmark them as silly and selfish and you wouldn't expect any more from them, so you can feel justified in ignoring their unreasonable requests but without having to feel any more anger (that'll hurt you like hell when you're this raw and exposed) just to maintain your own mental space and balance?

Have you posted about these cunts before?

This is the last thing you should be having to deal with at this moment in time.

I'd be tempted to have some very harsh words with them and tell them in no uncertain terms they are to have zero involvement in your child's fuberal (or even tell them to fuck off completley and don't invite them at all!!!)

This isn't about them.

There are no words that express my sadness and sympathy for you at this awful time. Stay strong

I recognise you from your previous posts - I'm so so sorry its come to this point. I would've snapped and told them where to go a long time ago and I think your dp needs to understand they're not being reasonable. Of course he's grieving too but neither of you need someone making life harder for you.

My heart breaks for you love. :(

zivashighkick's advise seemed very wise, get the team around you to resolve this/protect you. It won't be the first time they have to deal with things like this. That way THEY can be firm and advocate on your behalf so that you don't have to.

they’re questioning everything from why the GP visits each week to why I’m attending grief counselling now “DC isn’t even dead yet and she needs therapy!”

This would be the final straw for me. No explanation is needed why you need counselling. These people wont change. Are they telling you this stuff themselves? Or is your DH telling you?

Im so sorry for what is happening to you and your DC, thoughts are with you all.

YANBU, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this at what is already such an awful time for you xx sending love xx

dead amazing post and what you have been going through as well.

Its astonishing how selfish people can be when someone like you is carrying that burden alone, astonishing and yet I have had similar myself.

Your absolutely right to draw a line under communication with some people because we are human we only have so much patience and coping reserves ourselves.

In my opinion, having to deal with other people who feel entitled to get aggressively involved in the process, was the hardest part because I just wanted to concentrate on my parent. I didn't want to be distracted with pandering to someone's feelings or pulled about by having to go visit and explain the same things over and over again to relatives who wouldn't bother visiting but demanded I go to theirs to deliver updates in person

Appalling.

Anyway op I agree with all Dead Herring post and you are doing an incredible job. Do and say whatever you have to to get through this

Go nc for time being. Don't tell them anything till afterwards, or give them the wrong date/venue. You will,regret if you don't do this how you want. It's your time, not theirs. They should be in a supporting role. If they can't, keep away. Sorry for you all.

You are well within your rights to tell them to fuck right off. What you are going through is unbearable and you and your DP have the absolute right to deal with it exactly as you wish. This is NOT a time for being polite or bending to others' will, you do it your way and if they don't like it, they can fuck right off.

My very best wishes to you and your family x

I'm heart broken for you and wish you the best of how this awful situation can be.

I have a lovely friend who lost her child 23 years ago, her sister took over and over rode my friends wishes even down to changing the clothes my friend had dressed her other two children in. My friend has come to terms with her childs death but has never been able to get over letting her sister ruin her goodbye. She says she only got to do that once and it wasn't her way.

Thanks @Summersorcherisjustsummer - I'm sorry you've had a rough time lately too. Don't you find it's astonishing what you discover about people when you're pushed to the extreme - things that you'd never have realised otherwise?

On the other hand, I've also found that other people who I hadn't really been close to before suddenly stepped up and turned into superstars who I'd have been lost without.

OP - just another thought. My friend lost her DS but it was due to a sudden illness so she didn't have time to prepare. Anyway, her husband and sister in a well-meaning but very misguided attempt to help her, got her out of the house one day on a pretext and cleared the house of every last bit of her DS's personal belongings. There was one sock they'd missed - needless to say it's one of her most precious keepsakes now. On top of that, her DM and MIL decided they wanted an open casket funeral. She couldn't face seeing him like that and couldn't face her other children having to deal with it, so she took them away for the day where they sat on the beach and talked about him and remembered the good times instead.

She's always felt resentful that this time was taken away from her and people tried to make it about what they wanted. She said it almost felt like her child was "nationalised". He wasn't hers any more, just a symbol of what everyone else wanted.

Just an idea but do you have a good mutual friend who knows you and your DP very well and is quite strong and forthright? If so, maybe you can ask them to advocate for you? Tell him/her what you want/need to happen to deal with this in your own way and let them relay the messages to your PIL's or anyone else that's interfering? Let her tell them that you just need quiet so she's relaying messages when you're able to deal with them.

I had no idea what my friend was going through at the time and I wish I'd been the person to do that for her but instead I was so worried about getting in her face, I kept in contact with messages and gave her space. In retrospect, it wasn't the right thing to do. But if you have a friend like that, they might be happy to be given something constructive they can help you with, instead of worrying that they can't help.
PS - no idea how well this might work but thought I'd offer it as a suggestion if you're looking for ideas :)

Others have offered you great advice OP.
My only contribution is that you may like to have a private funeral with minimum family and friends and suggest PIL arrange a memorial service of their choice at a later date. All their chosen hangers on, the people they want to impress with the posh hotel etc can be invited to that. You can choose whether or not to attend or to take your family away on holiday.
God bless and goodluck and may your DC pass in peace

Oh I was actually thinking about you yesterday I'm so sorry they are still pulling this heartbreaking shit at this time after everything. This is about your DC not them and no way will they call the shots now. Especially after the funeral you need to be able to get home just you DP and lo, get dp to lay this in stone now and concentrate from now on (as you always have) on DC.

for those of you saying the PiL don't intend to cause problems for the Op and her DH, saying they might be acting out of grief etc., please read the OP's previous threads.

Unless grief makes people spiteful. Over very long periods, in advance of the loved one dying.

Good idea cindie

I am so very sorry, I can't imagine what facing the loss of your child must take from you. I wish you so much strength and peace.

Yanbu in any thing you are saying. If you have a strong protective friend that wants to help you then I would appoint them to deal with your pils. To literally run interference and be a barrier between you.

There is no way you can do anything wrong in this scenario. If you must face this then you need to be able to do it your way.