To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

Sorry OP no words other than echoing the words of above in focusing completely on your dc and not giving them any headspace.

So so sorry you are going through the worst thing any parent should have to go through, and even more sorry you are going through it with this toxic pair on your backs. How dare they behave like this?!

You are damn well not being unreasonable. Don't accept any money from your vile inlaws, just tell them to piss off and stop making things more difficult than they already are, preferably during a very long and satisfying rant at them.

You need to do what is right for you, your DP and your darling child. If that means just the two of you going back home , to grieve, after the funeral, so be it. Just do it OP. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

I hope your child passes peacefully and you find the strength to get through the difficult days and weeks ahead. and I think you may need to go NC with PIL asap to protect your sanity.

The only answer to them not wanting the wake in a pub or church hall is "well don't come then."

Arseholes.

Sounds like it’s time back away from the idea of a wake altogether, for the moment. I know it’s an important tradition to some, but faaaaar more useful/appropriate when it’s an older person who’s died.

Nobody would judge you for doing only the things that make you feel better at this time, and afterwards. I’m guessing ‘party planning’ of any kind isn’t on that list.

Perhaps there will be a get together of some sort, an idea that will quietly emerge in your mind, that would really help you. Something smaller, something centred more on your dc’s friends (rather than family)? Something further down the track, in a year?

I’ve never met anyone who regretted going with their true feelings and needs, at traumatic times like these. If you feel pressured by society, family or any individuals to do (or plan) certain things, Just Say No. Or have someone else say no for you.

Your time is too prescious for this nonsense. Hugs to you.

They are arseholes; you, however, are a truly beautiful mum. Wishing you strength at this horrible, testing time 💐

Och I'm so so sorry for all you're going through, you sound like such an amazing mummy. Your in-laws don't really matter and are probably floundering in the face of this unbearable loss. Concentrate on your beautiful, brave, precious child. Love to you xxxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this and that a horrendous time is being made even harder for you.

I knew a woman who cared for her terminally ill daughter. She felt that her regular counselling sessions were essential in helping her find the strength to do this.

I'm glad you are having beautiful moments with your DC and that you have lots of friends who have your back.

You must have these last days your way. Those who don't support you, cause you additional stress or distract you from your child need to be told to stand aside. Make your arrangements and tell them it's done and interference isn't welcome.
Your husband needs to forcefully tell them that, and both of you need to be allowed to spend what time is left with your sick child, and be able to give attention to your other children.
💐

Don't put a lid on your anger. Let it out in their direction.

With any luck they'll take the hump and never talk to you again.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable OP. I have read your other threads and am in awe of the strength you have shown. Your PIL are awful.

What @Flightywoman said, & thinking of you and your DP and DC all the best at this awful time.

We lost a precious young person in our family. The most important thing for his parents was that they had the funeral that they wanted, that reflected their feelings and the personality of their child.

Nothing makes up for the loss, but it did provide comfort for them when they most needed it.

Please have the funeral that you choose. Everyone feels the loss of course. But no one as much as the parents. Everyone should support them most of all and accommodate any of their wishes.

Keep posting and trust that you are right. Your DH has to support you in this. His parents must deal with their feelings in their own way. They cannot dump them on you, least of all.

I'm so sorry about your little one. It is truly heartbreaking.
In my extended family a little 9 year old passed away from cancer and her dm said no one was to come to funeral. She said she couldnt cope with people and that was that. We were quite close as her dc were the same age as ours but of course we respected her wishes. She said she wanted no callers so that was fine. And she said she wanted no input from her childs school as she couldnt bear to see other children. Everyone knew it was her decision.
Please do whats right for you.
Could a vicar/ priest talk to them if you asked. This is so totally a time for you and your dh. Nothing will make it better but for goodness sake they don't have to make it worse.

Coukd you nominate a trusted friend/s or relative your side to take control for you and act as your nominated person to hold off your inlaws and have your back to protect you?

Does DP have siblings? Sometimes it maybe better to have them tell PIL to back off. DP may not be strong enough just now to handle the confrontation.

I can't say how sorry I am that this is happening to you.

You know you're not BU, I just hope there's some way to make them understand. They don't sound as if they're capable of seeing anything from anyone else's point of view :(

The advice of a PP, getting the other agencies involved to have your back, sounded like a possibility. Maybe they need to hear it from someone else.

All the best and lots of strength to you for this awful time!!

And keep posting love.,we are all here for you xx

So very sorry to hear your going through this
Of course it’s totally down to you and your sh what plans you make
Dh should be getting then to back off

When we lost our middle child, the funeral was very kindly paid for which I think is. Fairly common thing for children by the funeral directors charity
Perhaps you could find out about this and tell your in laws to stick their money where the sun doesn’t shine
Thinking about you

Oh OP you are so not BU. They need to seriously back off. They're putting their own pain before yours and DP.

As per pp , can one of your close friends just tell them straight? Tell them to back off, let you and DP do it your way and to give you space. I'd definitely do that for any of my friends.

I can't even imagine what you're going through. Ask a friend to be your "guard dog" for the next month to keep them in place so that you don't have to have in your mind how to deal with them.

I hope you get lovely special moments over the next few weeks xx

So very, very sorry. Tell them to fuck off. Better still, get DP to deal with them. xx

I am so sorry about your lovely DC.
Has your H told his parents to butt out? He really needs to stand up for your family unit and take no more of their nonsense.
But if he’s not laying down the law, or they’re not listening then I wouldn’t be afrsid of losing your rag with them.
You must absolutely have this time with your precious child and you do not want it to be tarnished with inlaw battles. Tell them in no uncertain terms to go away, to not contact you, to leave you alone as you do not want to be dealing with their ridiculous comments and wishes. Tell them this is your child and not theirs, that you are planning the funeral not them, and that if there is going to be any kind of wake, YOU will decide who attends and not them. And then go no contact with them.
It doesn’t matter that they think or want, or say, this is about you and your dh, and your dc. .

I do have wonderful friends, I’ve fully briefed them on the matter and each and every one of them adore my DC and will be holding me together, (and a few of them will be resisting the urge to batter the old bitch themselves!)

I’m just at that point in time when I know that the day I’m dreading is getting closer by the second and one day I’m going to have to say goodby to my baby.

You do absolutely whatever you want.

I honestly would have totally lost my shit with them.

I can't say anything other than I'm sorry.
I don't know what you want to say farewell to your darling child but do talk to nurses and support staff about what help may be available to you from funeral homes and charities and your church or wherever you want the funeral, at times like this people feel a need to do something, so let others do something
I suspect your in-laws are throwing their weight around because much of your extended family isn't about so could hou use one of your lovely friends as family, pick someone to be your "mum"/"Sister" and handle them

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Your PILs sound vile.

I'm incredibly impressed with the restraint you've shown towards your PIL, Pilcanpissoff. I recognise your story from earlier threads & I'm sorry - though I fear not surprised - your PIL haven't had an epiphany & started behaving decently.

Please don't let your PIL have anything to do with organising the funeral. Frankly I don't think they deserve to attend. (And I don't say that lightly.) You plan it. If your DC understands the situation, they might want to [help] plan it. If they don't really understand but you want to get some of their ideas, you could ask them for their help planning a party for when they feel better?

I'm very glad to hear you're getting grief counselling. Obviously I wish that your DC was fine & you'd no need for it. But in the circumstances, I think it's very wise. There's a kind of... anticipatory grief, almost, in a situation, like this.

Please be gentle with yourself