To tell my PIL that it’s not their fucking business?!

[Pilcanpissoff]

Name changed for this, but, cancel the cheque, cutted up pear, etc

So,

I have a terminally ill DC, who only has at the very most a month left, DP and I have been preparing outselves and getting arrangements in place (funeral home, idea of what service etc).

Talk turned to the wake between DP and I the other day and the inlaws butted in with their opinions,

1. they want it held in a posh hotel, because and I quote “I’m not having that child’s wake in a pub/hall/ insert any other venue idea.

2. only light refreshments, tea, coffee and squash for the children, no alcohol as they don’t want any one to be drinking, (which is quite ironic, given that he pisses off to the working men’s club every fucking evening and she buries herself in a bottle of wine each and every night!

3. they plan on inviting whoever THEY want, then those invitees will be coming back to mine and DP’s house after!

Right, so AIBU I’m

1. wanting to hold it where DP and I would naturally choose given that DC is our child?

2. that on the day I might need a stiff drink and want to toast my child and how they fought the good fight before (hopefully) going peacefully to a place where they are no longer in any pain.

3. DP and I might not want any hangers on when we return to our house afterwards and might not even want them to be there and that they should go book a fucking room in that hotel if they like the place so bloody much and leave DP and I to grieve alone? There are also members of DP’s side of the family that DP does not want to be there (think the kind who would be posting loads of pics and selfies on FB and checking into the crem, venue of wake, city etc) and FIL is quite put out and keeps on saying that DP has better not start anything!

I should add, I don’t have parents or extended family to speak of as I was in care as a child, but I do have loads of friends who will have my back on the day, the inlaws have been unbearable through DC’s treatment and diagnosis and even until recently we’re claiming the doctors have got it wrong and that they were convinced that all DC needed was a blood transfusion and private health care rather than “crappy NHS care”

I really do feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall at the moment, and the whole pressure of it all is causing me severe anxiety in addition to the issue of anticipatory grief, part of me just wants to arrange the whole day on our own and set everything in stone, our wants only and to tell the inlaws that we don’t want them to help pay for anything, we don’t need them to, it’s just something they want to do so they have a say in the matter so to speak,

So in summary, AIBU?

I wish I could get shitfaced, but I have kidney problems 😞 my DC was my little miracle despite this.

I really don’t know how I’m going to get through the funeral, I’m always a second away from snapping,

I’ve already told DP our first Christmas after this needs to be alone, without them, they couldn’t even let us have DCs last Christmas to ourselves!

OP, I know your ils have been very invested in your lives, I remember your other post a while back, with them at the hospital
You must do things your way, but suggest she has whoever she wants privately at her own house, but this is how you and dh have decided to do things.
Let her invite who she wants to her house.

pilcan lovely, I too recognise you. I can’t believe they’re still at it I’m raging for you.

No words except I’m sending you love at this truly harrowing time and I wish your little one peace when the time comes 🌷

Oh lass. They need to fuck right off.

Does DP have the emotional strength right now to tell them to back off?

@letsallhaveanap has the right idea "Just plan it how you want it"

"Then dont get involved in any arguments etc.. just walk off/hang up if they start trying to get you to change things."

@Pilcanpissoff "To be honest, I’m at that point where I may have to take DC and leave if he doesn’t sort them out..." Please only do this if it will help you, you should not have to leave your home, or your partner. Do you have other children you need to consider or is it just the three of you?

You MUST do what is right for you, dp and your child in all this.

No excuse but your IL might drink to cope with the grief of losing their GC.

They’ve always been drinkers, it’s nothing new...

Is it possible that you make the arrangements privately between yourself and DP and tell them a few days beforehand as a fait accompli?

I can’t believe two people could be so devastatingly self unaware as to behave like this.

Oh my goodness. Just unimaginable. I’m so sorry. You need to do whatever you need to do. You are entirely reasonable to do this your way. There is no other way. I hope you have the strength to be firm, don’t engage in discussion about it. Make arrangements and let them know. X

OP, do yourself and your child a favour and tell your in laws to go fuck themselves. They either butt out now or will not be part of any funeral service at all. Their attitude is appalling and at a time where you need maximum support.

I despair of my generation sometimes.

YADNBU

"The only reason I’m in counselling ..." We all understand why you are in counselling, your PIL are utterly mad if they do not know why! You do not owe anyone an explanation on anything, at all.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

we Do have other DC

I am so very very sorry. I remember your other threads - PIL were utter bastards then and utter bastards now. You on the other hand are a bloody star and I wish I could give you a massive hug.

Would it help to tell your DH that you are on the verge of walking out if PIL are not sorted out ASAP? To stiffen his resolve a bit. Either way, you should definitely do your plan for the wake, because, for the love of god, it's your child not theirs. To be honest, if they can't stop being arseholes, then I would go NC now and bar them from all and any access to you, your child and the wake. They're not helping your child, and it's not like you're going to want to stay in touch with them after all this.

I think I’d get a friend to tel them now that their behaviour is off the chart unacceptable and you’ll be doing the funeral your way with no input from them.

I’ve heard some terrible IL stories on here over the years but I don’t think I’ve heard worse than yours. Do you actually need to be in contact with them at the moment? It doesn’t seem like they are contributing a single positive thing to your lives at all

You’re doing amazingly. Just keep going, a minute at a time

in so sorry you are going through this OP. A few weeks ago we buried a child in our family and it was honestly the hardest day of my life.

YANBU this is your REAL life, not some soap opera with whoever howls loudest 'wins' (usually abetted by concealed cut onion).

Please ensure only you, DH and whoever you want comes back to YOUR home after the service.

Much empathy being sent

So awful that when you should be able to just be with your child at this hard time youre having to deal with their selflessness. Hope you can hsve some beautiful moments with your child despite this cloud.

Of course you get to do whatever you want as far as funeral and wake arrangements go... and you definitely get to decide who goes to your house or not!

But, you don’t really invite people to funerals usually, people just turn up.

I’m so sorry for your loss Snowysky,

@Pilcanpissoff 'we Do have other DC'

XX

I think you will decide how to do things that will be better for them too, whatever is right for your immediate family. You must prioritize yourselves.

Juts say "This is how we are doing it (invite them/don't invite them, your choice". Then no more discussion. If you fear they will invite people you do not want then don't reveal location or time until the day.

I know the idea of a separate 'family' event may not be your ideal plan but I just thought that maybe a special service, even a humanist one if you are not religious could be something your ILS could arrange and you could attend or not as you choose. But the funeral can be how you want and in fact it must be.

Op, cut them out now. This is distracting you from your son. Spend every last precious minute with him. Don't give them the head space.

I'm so sorry it has come to this. Look after yourself op x

Ye gods i would've smacked the shit out of him as soon as he said "posh hotel" and then told him to fuck off out of your lives for ever.

Oh Pil I am so sorry you are going through this. How is DP being, does he support you? It sounds like he is letting his parents get away with their behaviour for this to still be an issue.
You have the rest of your life to remember what happens so make sure you do it in a way that is best for you. Anything else will eat you up in time to come. Don't let them do that to you.

Could you ask someone from the hospice to talk to them when they visit? It would be better coming from someone who's experienced and who has seen other people in that situation - they can explain that your PILs have to back off.

I'd be tempted to emigrate with ILs like that.

Hope you can hsve some beautiful moments with your child despite this cloud.

Every moment is beautiful, DC smiled for the first time in weeks today, my heart melted, I’m lucky that a friend dropped in and brought me lunch, DC needed some pain relief and asked me how long it would be before they felt better (while I was drawing it up in the kitchen) my lovely lovely friend held my hand as I replied that he will feel much better soon and I promise that it won’t be too long, then took his pain relief into him for me.