Dug myself a massive hole re DS and sports day, tell me what to do!

[marioncole]

DS is in year 6. In every sports day for the last 6 years he has come last at everything and his self-esteem is always rock bottom afterwards. It breaks my heart. All of the competitions are variations on running races. I've campaigned for the school to try and bring more variety in because if you're slow at running then you're always going to come last, but nothing has changed.

So I've been dreading this one because I know DS is dreading it. Then last week I decided (without really thinking it through) that I would fabricate an appointment at the same time as sports day which has been in the diary for ages. I asked DS whether he would like me to cancel the appointment so that he could go to sports day, he was over the moon that he wouldn't have to do it.

So my plan (in retrospect not a good one) was to pick DS up from school for his appointment, then tell him it didn't exist.

I saw his teacher this morning and she asked me whether DS really had an appointment because he'd told her he wouldn't be able to do sports day. I told he that yes, the appointment had been in the diary for ages.

The thing I hadn't really properly thought through was that DS is going to have to lie when he gets back to school about said non-existent appointment. That's not fair on him. The teacher is clearly already sceptical, so she may very well ask him about it.

So what do I do?

1. Now claim the appointment has been cancelled?
2. Tell DS the truth and ask him what he wants to do?
3. Keep with the original plan?

I was only doing it to protect his feelings but I've got a horrible feeling I've made it all worse.

Don't shout at me!

I used to just phone my two in with tummy bugs - whooppee 2 days off!! They are both dyspraxic and had horrible times and I gave school two goes at supporting them then decided I wasn’t going to collude with torture so sick days it was.

This is the sort of conversation I have straight up with my kids. They appreciate I have their back. Never mind sports day. Stop panicking and enjoy the day - DS is old enough to not land you in it.

It always astonishes me how anti sport MN is. Some children are better at sports, some children are better at academic subjects, some are good at both. Believe me teachers are really not interested in humiliating kids on sports day. They're all too knackered to care

No one is saying that teachers deliberately go out of their way to humiliate kids.

But whether you like it or not, for many kids, coming last (by a long way) in a race watched by hundreds of parents and their peers is utterly humiliating.

And the argument that some kids are academic, some are sporty is stupid too. Because:
A) Some are neither
B) the kids who aren't academic aren't forced to take part in a spelling bee, getting all the words wrong, or fail at long division in front of a hundreds-strong audience

Tell him the appointment was for an ice cream date with mum.

I would have been honest about it, you had already campaigned for fairer and more inclusive games and been ignored, so you decided to withdraw your son for the day (maybe done something educational but fun like making the most of a quieter day to go to the Science Museum). Maybe the message would have got through a little more to them.

So tricky!

I'd explain to your DS that the appointment has actually been cancelled. Ask him what he thinks the right thing to do is and reassure him you'll support him in choice. It's sort of passing the buck, as he'll have to make the call about what's morally right but that could be enlightening for you and a good lesson for him.

If he wants you to lie to the school, he'll be asking you a favour rather than you coaching him to lie. He may surprise you and decide to go to Sports day..?

That's making the best of a bad situation.

support him in 'his' choice - I mean!

You probably won't be the only one doing it!
My son may well get a 24 hr bug around sports day as it usually ends with a few weeks of people being really mean to him, he has co-ordination problems and often ends up falling over a lot, not great for building self confidence!!

I'm a teacher and my DS stays off on sports day and has a lovely day with his grandparents. He's not sporty at all and I'm not putting him through a miserable day for no reason.

I fucking loathe sports and everything about them anyway I don't believe any child should be forced to do something they hate. It isn't fair.

the kids who aren't academic aren't forced to take part in a spelling bee, getting all the words wrong, or fail at long division in front of a hundreds-strong audience That's true but everyone in the class knows who's best in maths, English etc. despite the teacher's best efforts.

Explain to him that sometimes people lie to get out of things that they don't want to do and that this is ok.

Nope, this is not ok!

However, it is ok to help him avoid the humiliation of sports day. I HATED it as a child and was mercilessly bullied for the way I ran and for being generally shit at all sports. Luckily my children seem pretty sporty so far (they don't get it from me!!)

Sports day should be organised so that But whether you like it or not, for many kids, coming last (by a long way) in a race watched by hundreds of parents and their peers is utterly humiliating. never happens.

I am shocked that parents are supporting a lie. Is he good at maths? Reading? Art? Would you condone a child missing those classes or any other because their self esteem is knocked? This is called resilience and a life skill. I was poor at maths but was good at sport. I learned both. Stop pandering and find a way to challenge your child to come through.

Your post tea hit a nerve with me as in fact I did pretty much the same thing last week! My son also hates sports day and it’s horrid to see their self esteem take a bashing. My son is a brilliant artist but there’s never an opportunity for a whole school occasion when he can stand out and show his talent. (I know sport is important but why does it have to dominate everything???) So I changed an existing orthodontist appointment & said it was really essential. Get an opticians appointment or tell him it’s the orthodontist . Pick him up and tell him you just had a text to say it’s cancelled. Don’t worry- it’s year 6 so presumably the school won’t really care as I presume he’s leaving soon for secondary school. Schools are really busy places at this time of year so they’ll soon forget about it. Glad it’s not just me who does this kind of stuff!!😀

I love sports day and my kids used to win everything

But I'm totally with you OP. Definitely skive and get him to lie. He's about to leave anyway.

i wouldn't bring him into it at certain parts.so instead of saying you made it up.tell him on the day its been canceled.then give him the choice whether you should just stay off anyways.

For the last few years (yes me darling mummy) makes her boy pull a sickie. This year I asked DS if he wants to pull a sickie and to my disbelief he doesn't!

I once went to a hospital appointment to find they'd booked me into the wrong clinic at a different hospital...give him the day off and if the school ask, say there was an admin error. Tell your son you thought he'd prefer a day out.

In other words you would teach your child to lie when he doesn’t want to do something. Why not speak to the school if it’s such a problem?

At my secondary school, taking part in sports day was optional (thank fuck) so we all got to sit in he middle of the track and watch/cheer on our mates, whilst having no lessons! Winner

For all those posters saying it's wrong to teach children to lie: why? Don't we all lie for a variety of reasons? Isn't the important thing to teach children to assess when lying is OK and when it's not?

Go ahead with the plan but don't spoil the fun by feeling guilty. Tell your son you can't and won't always get him out of things he doesn't like but on this occasion you're both going to be a bit rebellious. I imagine it's the last year for him and secondary will hopefully be more varied! Have a lovely treat and enjoy some unsheduled time together! (I did the same one year and am proud that I showed my son some sympathy / empathy. For a while I was a totally cool Mum ...)

Go in and tell the truth - it’s not fair and DS will forget what you’ve agreed so the teacher will know anyway, Kids are rubbishing are keeping to adult created lies and secrets.

It’s important to know how and when to lie. Sometimes lying to get out of doing something you hate isn’t a bad thing.

In this case I would just tell the truth. Say son hates sports day so I’m giving him a break for it as it’s bad for his mental health.

I would talk to the teacher rather than let him take the flak.

I think you are a lovely caring mum and your intentions were for the best. But I don’t think you should involve your DS in a lie. If it’s an appointment that could feasibly be cancelled, tell him that’s what’s happened but seeing as they aren’t expecting him at sports day you are going to spend the day together.

If it isn’t, say you made a mistake about the day.

He can then truthfully say his appointment didn’t happen because of an error on your part. The school can take it up with you if they must.