Dug myself a massive hole re DS and sports day, tell me what to do!

[marioncole]

DS is in year 6. In every sports day for the last 6 years he has come last at everything and his self-esteem is always rock bottom afterwards. It breaks my heart. All of the competitions are variations on running races. I've campaigned for the school to try and bring more variety in because if you're slow at running then you're always going to come last, but nothing has changed.

So I've been dreading this one because I know DS is dreading it. Then last week I decided (without really thinking it through) that I would fabricate an appointment at the same time as sports day which has been in the diary for ages. I asked DS whether he would like me to cancel the appointment so that he could go to sports day, he was over the moon that he wouldn't have to do it.

So my plan (in retrospect not a good one) was to pick DS up from school for his appointment, then tell him it didn't exist.

I saw his teacher this morning and she asked me whether DS really had an appointment because he'd told her he wouldn't be able to do sports day. I told he that yes, the appointment had been in the diary for ages.

The thing I hadn't really properly thought through was that DS is going to have to lie when he gets back to school about said non-existent appointment. That's not fair on him. The teacher is clearly already sceptical, so she may very well ask him about it.

So what do I do?

1. Now claim the appointment has been cancelled?
2. Tell DS the truth and ask him what he wants to do?
3. Keep with the original plan?

I was only doing it to protect his feelings but I've got a horrible feeling I've made it all worse.

Don't shout at me!

"Unfortunately the less academic children can’t have appointments every time they’ll struggle with a maths test or go for ice cream if they don’t know their spelling words."

Yes but the whole school, parents and teachers are not normally watching when you don't get your spellings right are they?

FordPrefect, my DD is Dyspraxic, primary school sports days were hell for her and definitely contributed to her low self esteem as all her peers laughed at her running style and raised their eyes when she got put in their relay team. She is in year 7 now. No idea what they do at secondary school. She might be sick that day to be honest.

Annie - I agree you 'shouldn't care' about what some grumpy arse teacher thinks - but parents are getting slammed for any hint of an 'unauthorized absence' - it makes people have to lie - which is crazy as OP is only thinking of her DS.....

Yep, book him into the hygienist at the dentist and tell him that person is called an Orthodontist (who always have appointments at awkward times that you need months in advance) then he won't have to like and he can have a teeth cleaning lesson which will stand him in good stead for life, so not a waste of time. Then do something nice.

Honestly, I wouldn't even lie. I'd just say to school that you've asked for sports day to be more inclusive and they haven't listened at all and that it's necessary for him to attend. But then that's just me.

I don't have any issue with competitive races and in fact I think they are a good thing for children who want to compete and especially for children who aren't great with the academics or arts etc. However there should be other options other than speed, there should be a chance to demonstrate skills and teamwork and supporting your classmates etc. Lots of opportunities to build esteem. And they should have to select a number of options to participate in so that the competitive fast DC can opt for races and others can opt for other stuff whilst still taking part.

@Theorginalemu, makes you laugh does it. Laughing at the distress the ritual humiliation of sport day? How pleasant.

Would you put someone with Dyslexia in for a whole school spelling competition to be watched by everyone? Or someone who really struggled with Maths on stage to "do Maths" whilst the whole school community watched and then laughed when the parents of those children were not very happy about it.

I agree we can't avoid the things we aren't good at which is why my DD does PE even though she gets laughed at, teased and shouted at for being crap. But your comparison makes no sense.

This might be controversial but I think schools should have academic days where being smart is tested and celebrated publicly. Then the good kids get an experience of being the winners and the sporty ones get a healthy dose of losing at something. It's healthy to handle both.

elfycat I think that is what I'm going to do. Although I don't think I'll fake the phone call, he's 11 and will almost certainly see through it! I will pick him up though and tell him the appointment was cancelled but I thought it would be best if he missed sports day anyway because he won't have his PE kit with him. Then when he goes back to school in the afternoon I'll send him with a note explaining the cancellation in case he gets grilled by the teacher. If they don't ask then he won't need the note. That way he won't have to lie at all.

You shouldn’t have done this and shame for those advocating making a child lie to the school

You learn from failure as well as triumph
Their will be other things you child will excel in for some children not academic this may be their only moment of glory

You child annoy be the star always #snowflakleryatitsfinest

I would take my child out too but would openly say, they're not coming in because sports day makes him miserable, so we're spending the day together instead.
You've said you have an appt now though so either say it was cancelled or your appointment was a fun day out. Ice cream, lunch & a walk in the woods/park. They can put it down as an unauthorised absence, school year is nearly over. It's not the end of the world. Plus, a walk over the park could be argued as educational

The point about not being able to pull them from anything academic if they aren't great at it is a non point. Children do need to learn to read and write and do maths, even if they aren't as fast as the rest. No-one needs to learn to run races.

busybarbara

This might be controversial but I think schools should have academic days where being smart is tested and celebrated publicly. Then the good kids get an experience of being the winners and the sporty ones get a healthy dose of losing at something. It's healthy to handle both.
its academic day every day everytime your work is makred and everytime you put you had up and get the correct answer and everytime you sit a exam or quiz

I think you are doing the right thing OP.

@metoodear, when did the OP say she wanted her child to be the star? Your snowflake comment makes no sense in relation to this thread and is just plain goady. But I have a feeling that was your intention.

The academic equivalent would probably be something like the spelling bees they have in the US (I haven't seen them here, but correct me if I'm wrong) where every child has to stand up and spell words in front of an audience of parents to see who is the best (and worst) at spelling. Not an everyday in-class test or academic work being marked by a teacher.

(In case it's unclear, I don't think they're a good idea either, unless they're optional. Those who are weaker at spelling, or sports, or whatever, should be able to opt out of public competition. Not opt out of the ordinary curriculum).

Op is not doing anything other than being a supportive mum imo - schools tough enough- I'd do the same if I knew my child felt that uncomfortable - blah to the 'it's the only way they learn'....schools should have an opt out when it comes to sports day...they still do PE!

Just have a lovely day out OP.
I was ecstatic as sports day was cancelled last week due to the bad weather. DS hates it as it's basically just a few hours of (Gaelic) football played in various teams. Nothing else. Girls do it too. There's no other activities involved. I completely agree about the ritual humiliation in front of the school and parents. DS is Dyspraxic and so struggles to catch, throw and kick the ball. It's a small village primary and he stands out a mile compared to the other kids. He tries hard but has no ability at all. I think it's a shame that he doesn't get to show off his academic skills in front of everyone as he's amazing at reading, spelling, Maths etc.
After Sports Day, he always comes home really fed up afterwards and with massive self esteem issues so if you can prevent that happening in the first place, then that makes you a brilliant parent in my eyes.

They should change sports day so that you don’t have to do a sport but everyone has to take part. Like some people give out the medals, some people are the cheer team, others mark the finish lines, others hand out they sacks and spoons+spuds, others man the water table. Everyone can be involved with sports day without having to race.

Have some sympathy for me. I committed to go to yr5 DS sports day this week (last year missed it due to work clash).

DH just asked DS: "So what will you have a meltdown about this year? Jumping over something or throwing something or running fast something?"

DS not even upset at the questions, honest, but it's so embarrassing, every year, DS has an obvious public meltdown b/c he didn't win (nor does he ever come last).

I'm a bit surprised OP's DS can't just comfortably tell a white lie... most kids can by this age. Maybe I just come from a cynical sort of family.

ps... the taking part: this is how secondary sports day works, and I think most kids find it tolerable. Divide into houses, wear suitable colours to show your house, cheer loudly if you don't want to compete (most don't compete), everyone gets a day out of classroom in the fresh air. All good.

@twofalls same here ☹️ In hindsight it was probably a little bit easier once I got to secondary school age; taking part was still compulsory but you had to take part in 1 event at least (most people I know still did them all or most of them). It didn’t feel easier at the time though, as I was still ridiculed! I have long arms and legs and so I have a very “gangly” run (I hope nobody takes that term the wrong way, if anything I’m being self deprecating). We had a race for the SN children, but I personally felt it only contributed to divisive attitudes and bullying at my school, as the NT children would laugh at them or make patronising sounds. 😕

Tell your DD it does get easier though 🙂 you don’t have to do any competitive sports once you’ve finished Year 11! I started going to the gym recently just in order to keep fit, competitive sports have never been my thing, so I much prefer to exercise on my own. Oh, and I don’t worry about what people think of me nor do I get teased when I’m in there if I do something wrong 😆 I think exercise wise, we all find our “thing” eventually, it need not be team sports or anything competitive as such but it took me until now (just finished 6th form in case you were wondering) to find out what that was!

All the best for your DD . My final word of advice here - if you can apply to JCQ to get a laptop so she can type in her GCSEs it makes a world of difference, my writing has always been terrible and I find it painful to write. Being able to type my exam answers was so much easier.

I think the teacher will still be sceptical with the note regarding the cancellation, definitely seems very convenient. If the appointment was cancelled then he wouldn’t even need to leave school would he? As doctors/dentists should inform you the morning of, but hospital appointments would be more likely to get cancelled last minute though. I would take him to the hygienist like someone else said

My DC's primary school's sports day is pretty much just running, and a three-legged race, like yours, but the loudest cheers are for the kids who try their hardest and cross the line last. I think it helps that they are all running for their house rather than for an individual prize. All the kids seem to have a great time, and because they are all cheering for their house they are all engaged with every race not just the ones that their friends are in.

@fordprefect42, thank you so much. Yes, we are going down the laptop route and school are being supportive. It hurts her so much to write for long periods they have agreed it significantly disadvantages her. Especially as she is good at History, English, RE etc where there is lots of writing. We are also trying bounce fit, yoga and pilates together so she gets fitness without it being sport. After her last assessment her OT took one look at her ball skills test scores and said "you will never have to play ball sports again after year 11. Ever"!

A race for the SN children sounds terrible! Who thought that would be a good idea. Just let them opt out for goodness sake.

It sounds like you are doing well and have found your thing. Well done, school is hard enough without the adding stress of having a learning difference.

Sorry for thread hijack OP. Have a lovely time with your DS.

Yes, but what if the biggest cheers are the biggest jeers? It's only people who've never been last/unpopular/SN who say that.
Ironically I'm an A1 fit person who does obstacle course races and commutes by running/bike 'cause I can.

fortunately i couldnt give a hoot what others think of my parenting decisions that have literally zero impact on anyone else.
dd2 loathed and detested sports day from the age of 4. the field had banks on 3 sides and she hated the noise, being watched and in her view the pointless nature of it. she would get in a state about it, made herself ill and so on. in year 3 i told her i wouldnt make her do it again and didnt. she was reasonably able at it.
i just phoned her in sick. she has, funnily enough turned into a hard working adult with a good job and a healthy sceptism of what other people consider fun and character building.