Dug myself a massive hole re DS and sports day, tell me what to do!

[marioncole]

DS is in year 6. In every sports day for the last 6 years he has come last at everything and his self-esteem is always rock bottom afterwards. It breaks my heart. All of the competitions are variations on running races. I've campaigned for the school to try and bring more variety in because if you're slow at running then you're always going to come last, but nothing has changed.

So I've been dreading this one because I know DS is dreading it. Then last week I decided (without really thinking it through) that I would fabricate an appointment at the same time as sports day which has been in the diary for ages. I asked DS whether he would like me to cancel the appointment so that he could go to sports day, he was over the moon that he wouldn't have to do it.

So my plan (in retrospect not a good one) was to pick DS up from school for his appointment, then tell him it didn't exist.

I saw his teacher this morning and she asked me whether DS really had an appointment because he'd told her he wouldn't be able to do sports day. I told he that yes, the appointment had been in the diary for ages.

The thing I hadn't really properly thought through was that DS is going to have to lie when he gets back to school about said non-existent appointment. That's not fair on him. The teacher is clearly already sceptical, so she may very well ask him about it.

So what do I do?

1. Now claim the appointment has been cancelled?
2. Tell DS the truth and ask him what he wants to do?
3. Keep with the original plan?

I was only doing it to protect his feelings but I've got a horrible feeling I've made it all worse.

Don't shout at me!

It actually makes me sad that they are like this.

Our sports day is great, they have all sorts of rubbish races so different people win. One year ds won the obstacle which had to be run in an oversized pair of wellies.

One year dd and her friend won the 3 legged. Friend is disabled and uses a walking frame, dd tied her leg to the frame, they got a 50 m head start and just crossed the line ahead of the first 'runners' to huge cheers from the crowd as dds friend was very popular and they all loved the fact that he won a 'race'

Much more fun, much less competitive, and yet they did have a 100 m race for those who wanted it.
They all chose 2 races they wanted to enter, so there was no requirement to run if you didn't want to.

Mind you, apart from the famous 3 'legged' race, dd1 lost every race she ever entered, she really isn't sporty. But when she complained I'm afraid I wasn't sympathetic. She one a maths cup in a maths competition 3 years running, and the lesson that you can't be good at everything was a good one for her.

DS not DD. I don't have a DD. iPhone Typo

Haha, this is so funny, what a bunch of liars we are.

OP, my DD left school today. Last A level this morning. Thank all the Gods it's over, except, fingers crossed, Uni, which won't involve me! By the time your DS is leaving education for the last time, you both will have lied your heads off about all sorts of appointments, all sorts of illnesses, all sorts of school related problems, ie uniform, homework, books, etc.

Relax and enjoy it. I'm pretty sure my young adults think I am fab precisely because I did lie my head off about some pretty silly stuff.

For the future - best to just be very, very ill on the day - nothing can be done about that one, and much easier for DS to lie about - all he has to do is say 'yes I'm better now'.

Also, your DS is in year 6, he will have lied about several things already if you did but know it.

ENJOY!!

Why do you let him feel bad about not being the fastest? Children need to learn they'll be last sometimes and some things. They can't always just avoid them.

Get a friend to text you a couple of mins after you're due to have picked him up - 'Oh dear DS, that was the xxx cancelling your appointment. Never mind, as we're out why don't we go for ice cream etc.?' He'll be able to lie to school convincingly and you'll have done the right thing by him. Everyone's a winner!

Sports day is dreadful when you’re not sporty.

Quite a lot of the rest of school is dreadful if you’re not academic.

Unfortunately the less academic children can’t have appointments every time they’ll struggle with a maths test or go for ice cream if they don’t know their spelling words.

I agree with most here, just take him for a nice outing!

I was the most unsporting child ever and enjoyed primary sports day because it was a carousel of activities we didn't usually get to do, non-competitive, in mixed-age 'teams'. It was fun.

Secondary I skipped every one I could, with or without parental approval. I had the experience of being bad at sport/coming last in races every time in PE lessons every week, so if there was any character-building lesson to be had there about not being good at everything, I got it. No need to be embarrassed in front of an audience.

Have an ice cream instead.

Whatshallidonowpeople what makes you think I let him feel bad about not being the fastest? I'm proud of him for trying his hardest, always am, always tell him so. He's tried his hardest for 6 years.

But they're not made to stand up in front of the school and all the parents for a maths or spelling test.

Whatshallidonowpeople I don't think it is the case that he is not the fastest, I am sure the dc could live with being very average or even second to last now and then. To be last every single time, every year in front of hordes of braying parents and sniggering children is not very nice.

AHintOfStyle Good point, but mostly you have a whole gang of other kids that are also rubbish at maths or whatever when you come last, you come last alone along with the looks of pity. There are not usually sixty odd parents shouting at you when you get your maths wrong! Totally different situations. You can't compare them.

My DS was exactly the same - last by a long way in every race and the sports day was just as you describe it. I once asked him if he wanted to have a morning off and stay with me rather than do sports day and he said no. You might want to check your DS is happy going along with the lie.

Maybe it's too late now, but could he help at sports day? Hand out the bean bags, sacks, keep scores etc.

rabbitmat I did ask him at the start if he wanted me to cancel the appointment and he said no. He was made up that he would miss sports day.

Unfortunately the less academic children can’t have appointments every time they’ll struggle with a maths test or go for ice cream if they don’t know their spelling words.

The difference is that they don't publish the results of the maths test in large print on the school door. Or shout out which child got which spellings wrong. It's the public nature of sports day that's the problem. The non academic children aren't set up to be laughed at.

Explain to him that sometimes people lie to get out of things that they don't want to do and that this is ok.
And you don't think that will come back to bite you?

"The difference is that they don't publish the results of the maths test in large print on the school door. Or shout out which child got which spellings wrong. It's the public nature of sports day that's the problem. The non academic children aren't set up to be laughed at."

Yes, this. It's a false equivalence - OP isn't suggesting taking him out of every PE lesson because he isn't good at it. Just a public, competitive event.

Take him for any appointment like people have suggested opticians, also Boots do hearing tests or a chinese herbalist or anything you can get short notice. Then he won't have to lie and he gets out of sports day. And you also have an appointment letter.

I wish I had got to miss Sports Day!

I’m dyspraxic like a PP’s DS (forgotten their name sorry) and always came last in everything. Funny, I was reading something recently about a link between dyspraxia and low self esteem. Wonder why that is? Maybe it’s this obsession schools seem to have with perfect handwriting and sports... I enjoyed school due to the routine and structure (I’m autistic too) but hated the fact that I was often punished for my poor writing and laughed at for being rubbish at sports. I had one PE teacher who said I wasn’t paying attention when I couldn’t hold a javelin properly.

Anyway rant over, yes I’d keep him off 🙂 I second what everyone else said about opticians and ice cream!

It always makes me laugh that people ring their hands so much over their child being last at sports day. Some kids are always ‘last’ at anything academic, but we can’t just pull kids out of that can we? Avoiding what we aren’t good at isn’t very good for building resilience.

Stick with the opticians appointment idea - you told them 'it wasn't something you could book short notice' so you can just keep it simple and say 'it was important, you had concerns and pre-booked', and leave it at that. Your DS wont have to lie, or attend Sports Day, you had the 'appointment' and have a nice lunch out!

Good for you - he is year 6 so I am sure he is chill with it but yes agree that an opticians is a good idea ?

You are VASTLY over thinking this.

He’s Year 6. Give him the choice of saying ‘It was fine thank you’ (and if pushed further ‘I don’t want to talk about it thank you) or ‘It was cancelled’ it’s really NOT a big deal.

Who gives a shit what some grumpy arse teacher thinks or suspects. Any decent teacher would understand.

Your sports day sounds horrible. Ours are much nicer with a lot of variety. They have to enter a certain number of ‘events’ but can choose which ones.

The Yr 7 is gutted I’m not allowed to go and watch this year (too many students, so no parents allowed).

Go and do something nice with DS and don’t give it another thought.

Emu...it’s an idiotic comparison. The kids aren’t made to do maths or english tests on a stage in front of the whole school & their parents.

She’s taken him out for one sports day, not every PE class.

I had a family thing I needed to attend, but I knew school wouldn't authorise. I told the school/ DDs that DD1 has a routine hospital appointment for an issue they see her for (nothing serious, a watch and wait and hope nothing comes of it thing).

I picked the DDs up, drove off for half an hour in the direction of the hospital. Pulled over when my alarm phone rang and 'listened' to the message from the hospital cancelling the appointment because of staff sickness. DDs still don't know that we absconded that day.

We decided that we should continue on with our day, as returning to school would mean missing Sooooooo much of it.

Could you do something like that? Just set a timer for when you'd be at home/before leaving and fake a call? Then decide not to mess you DS around and go for ice cream/ day out/ stay at home activity of choice.

Your*
DD2 is bashing my elbow while colouring.