Dug myself a massive hole re DS and sports day, tell me what to do!

[marioncole]

DS is in year 6. In every sports day for the last 6 years he has come last at everything and his self-esteem is always rock bottom afterwards. It breaks my heart. All of the competitions are variations on running races. I've campaigned for the school to try and bring more variety in because if you're slow at running then you're always going to come last, but nothing has changed.

So I've been dreading this one because I know DS is dreading it. Then last week I decided (without really thinking it through) that I would fabricate an appointment at the same time as sports day which has been in the diary for ages. I asked DS whether he would like me to cancel the appointment so that he could go to sports day, he was over the moon that he wouldn't have to do it.

So my plan (in retrospect not a good one) was to pick DS up from school for his appointment, then tell him it didn't exist.

I saw his teacher this morning and she asked me whether DS really had an appointment because he'd told her he wouldn't be able to do sports day. I told he that yes, the appointment had been in the diary for ages.

The thing I hadn't really properly thought through was that DS is going to have to lie when he gets back to school about said non-existent appointment. That's not fair on him. The teacher is clearly already sceptical, so she may very well ask him about it.

So what do I do?

1. Now claim the appointment has been cancelled?
2. Tell DS the truth and ask him what he wants to do?
3. Keep with the original plan?

I was only doing it to protect his feelings but I've got a horrible feeling I've made it all worse.

Don't shout at me!

I'm against inciting children to lie, so I might tell him the truth now about how wrong you'd got it, and that he has to go to the sports day ....but then tell him you understand how he feels, as do we all, and you'll give him £1/2/5/10 (whatever) for every race he come dead last in - but he must be last and he has to 'try'.
Truth, fun and reward - sounds like a good day to me

I dont like lies and it is often awkward e.g he tells a friend who tells someone and the teacher finds out. Find a lovely 'mindfullness" person and take him for an appointment, then it is not a lie and the methods they teach will help him through negative thoughts and the stresses that come with secondary. He can tell his teacher it was counseling needed due to crappy sports days

Does the school not have a Young Leaders programme? They help organise proceedings and equipment on the day. The sports day doesn't sound very inclusive.

If a child isn't good at maths or english they are given extra help and support. If they aren't good at sports, they are left to be humiliated

Completely agree. No one gets jeered in maths for finding t hard. And I say that with two dc who are very good at sports. But dd1 wasn’t and had a terrible time in PE at school.

If school sport had moved past the ghastliness of 40 years ago when I was at school then that’d be great. But it hasn’t. If you’re not sporty, PE and sports day can be absolutely hellish at school.

Team games for some are torture. Being picked for last for teams, yes that still goes on Why sports teachers can’t see the damage this does their subject is anyone’s guess.

Not all sport has to be team based or even competitive. It would be nice if people could choose how they exercise. It would be nice if sports day in its current form wasn’t compulsory.

DD had a headache and stomach ache every year on sports day. Legitimate ‘I will come last in everything in front of everyone’ stress induced illness.
WHY do we keep doing this to our children? Is it tradition? The school can’t think of anything else to do? Expense of doing sports that anybody can have a bash at? To foster competitiveness?
I can’t bear it, and even DS, who was middle of the road average at sports, but not fussed, could not see the point.

I was always incredibly slow at running and completely incapable at any sport. I was very fit at school as I cycled a lot, but I always came last by some distance at every event at sports day. It was deeply humiliating, on top of the weekly humiliation of PE class and eventually my mum agreed to write me a sick note every year (in those days you just brought a note in whenever you came back to school). I'm quite sure the school never believed I was truly sick and it did not teach me to be a liar, or a quitter, or have a dishonest attitude to work or anything else. I'm well able to deal with failure etc but those sports days are burned into my nightmares and I lost nothing by avoiding a few. I think for this year maybe you have to send him as the lie is getting complicated but if he still hates it, allow him to be 'sick' on the day next year - something vague like tummy ache.

If a child isn't good at maths or english they are given extra help and support. If they aren't good at sports, they are left to be humiliated
I agree, they are always soon careful not to make anyone feel exposed or under pressure when they are struggling a bit with an academic subject. That's right, of course, but I just don't get why it's fine for the same kids to be praised all the time for sporting ability, and the same few to be left til last in the ritual picking of teams by the most successful.
Schools seem to worry that kids would be teased for not excelling academically, but my experience was always that being academic didn't make you cool at all, it was being good at sport that gave children high status.

Its setting an example to lie when find ot convenient.

Its setting an example to lie when find ot convenient.

Yes a most excellent life lesson.

I agree with others try and book an appointment and take him for a nice lunch/I’ve-cream/cake or if there is no space then pick him up and say it got cancelled but you thought you’d go out for a treat instead. Your child’s school management sound likes d*icks! I don’t like all this mamby pamby everyone’s a winner but at the same time giving a variety of opportunities is sensible!

Not all sport has to be team based or even competitive. It would be nice if people could choose how they exercise. It would be nice if sports day in its current form wasn’t compulsory. A complete generalisation.
The different interpretations of how sports day is carried out is as varied as the number of schools in the country.

but my experience was always that being academic didn't make you cool at all, it was being good at sport that gave children high status. And the high status is conferred by the children themselves. In my experience a lot of primary school teachers don't like sport themselves and don't like teaching it. That is why in the early 2000s a lot of money was put into improving school sport.

It is just a day for sporty kids to show off, and non sporty kids to feel like failures. Well Yes, but I always think of my best friend at school who was one of the least academic, but the most sporty (I was the least sporty, but she always picked me first for her team). Sports day was a chance for her to show what she was good at. It was good for her self esteem (which would probably have been rubbish if measured entirely by academic means). She was usually first, I was generally last or thereabouts. It’s fine to be rubbish at sport, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take part. People are good at different things and that’s absolutely fine.

It is just a day for sporty kids to show off, and non sporty kids to feel like failures yes my child who severely struggles at academic subjects and is constantly bullied for it shouldn't get the chance to show that he is a fantastic runner and excellent at sportsmanship and encouraging the less able.

People are good at different things and that’s absolutely fine
Yeah, but I'm still waiting to be presented with a medal, or a cup, in front of the whole school, for getting top grades in chemistry !

Exactly Halfbindbunny. This thread pops up every year.

Kids often feel ashamed about low English & or math ability; it's a top reason why they may misbehave in class.

It's all very well for these non academic but sporty kids, but what about the kids who aren't good at anything?

There isn't a sporty-academic binary, like a lot of MNers seem to think. Some kids are very clever and also excel at sports, other kids struggle academically and in sports, and for them it's a day of particular humiliation, with their failure physically displayed by their slowness and observed by their peers and spectators.

Bless you. Stop worrying about teacher questioning him. It's fine and you are super ace.

I haven’t read the whole thread, sorry, someone else may have said this, but schools are usually quite good about sports day anxieties. My dd was awful with anxiety and lack of sport skills and they always agreed to her taking the day off.

Nobody would be expected to be tested in public for skills in English or maths. It’s all a bit sadistic really.

I’d tell them the truth . My daughter didn’t go to sports day in her last year of primary and I taught there . I didn’t lie, she’d had 6 years of coming last. She’d done her bit .

yes my child who severely struggles at academic subjects and is constantly bullied for it shouldn't get the chance to show that he is a fantastic runner and excellent at sportsmanship and encouraging the less able.

That's fine....as long as the bullied child who struggles with sports gets the chance to show that he is fantastic at maths and encouraging the less mathematically able. In a competitive task, in front of the whole school and a large chunk of the parents. You should treat all subjects in the same way.

Heh, I have actually had a cancellation from a hospital appointment that was only cancelled to me as I parked in the car park of the hospital having driven 50mins to get there! So it was a 50 min drive back again....

So ya know... last minute cancellations do happen! ;)

Could you role play the appointment - ie get his dad or someone to play the role of the doctor or physio or whatever the fabricated appointment was for? Hopefully your son will cotton on and find it funny (realising what you have done) but also won’t need to lie (or not outright) as will still be able to say he had his appointment and give quotes of what ‘he’ (being the specialist or whatever) said?

Does your son want to do better at the running races?
If so, then ask him how he could do that. Maybe run with him. Or he could join a running club.
If he doesn’t give a shit then what is he learning from the experience? Congratulating winners? Celebrating others success? Maybe he could transfer these experiences into other areas of life then the other children would learn from him. How to congratulate other types of successes.
Avoiding someonthing because you think you are rubbish doesn’t encourage children how to examine growth and improvement. It just teaches them to give up. He might not always be rubbish at running, if he wants to be better.
However it is also very hard not to try and protect them from these feelings.